Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Happy 4/20, or for the rest of us... .2

All across the country people who enjoy smoking weed are forgetting that it is 4/20, the official holiday dedicated to all things Cannabis related.  I took this opportunity to refine the sandwich I intend to pitch to KFC's Stoner Product Development Group, or K.F.C.S.P.D.G. for short.  It shall be christened "The DUUUDDE!" The contents of this magical sandwich will be an egg, American cheese (or Government cheese if available) sausage and bacon omelette with crushed Dorito topping sandwiched in between two pieces of fried chicken lightly dusted with a Cheeto breading.

I am confident that with the right dedication we could debut it at Cochella next year, followed up with a special "Burning Man DUUUDDE!" that utilizes Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Doritos and may or may not contain some hallucinogenic properties.  There will need to be disclaimers on the packaging since eating "The DUUUDDE!" naked may cause injury. *See disclaimer section

Target marketing is essential for the success of "The DUUUDDE!".  I am pretty sure we could convince Jack Johnson and the Dave Matthews Band to let us sponsor their North American tours.  Hell, nobody can even name a DMB song they know from the last five years and he still convinces them to buy tickets every summer!  Besides, he owes me.  He dumped out his bus toilet on the top of the open boated architecture tour in my Chicago a few years back and I still think that's crap.  Literally.

Since there is an obvious connection to The Big Lebowski we could also have tasting parties at bowling alleys nationwide.  T-shirts will say "F#&k it DUUUDDE, let's go bowling!" with a big picture of Walter (aka John Goodman) holding the sandwich like a rifle.  That's some $hit people will buy into. No doubt.

Since development on "The DUUUDDE!" is coming to an end I've started thinking ahead.  It's nearing Cinco De Mayo, the time for my newest creation...  The Vato!  This magical Mexican masterpiece will be a regionally unspecific work of modern manufactured cuisine.  Start with over-easy eggs, re-fried beans, queso, and chorizo dusted with crushed tortilla chips and sandwiched in between two pieces of fajita marinated flank steak and garnished with salsa. Cholula and Limes served on the side.  It's the perfect accompaniment to a Modelo Especial or a Dos Equis. 

"He may not always eat food, but when he does he eats...The Vato!"

[Results may vary. Illegal in 32 states including Utah where everything is illegal so operate under that assumption from now on, may increase gambling and/or sexual urges, not for use by children under 18, talk to your doctor if you experience an erection lasting six or more hours instead of just calling all your friends to brag, some assembly required, if you, or someone you know, is suffering from addiction then the chemicals we used are working, objects in mirror may be closer than they appear so back up, use as directed, lifeguard not on duty, if you are in the Los Angeles area and would like tickets to see Dr. Phil please call (323) 461-7445, if you develop a gash, a rash, and purple bumps then put down "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and seek medical attention immediately, highly flammable, contents under pressure, proceed at your own risk.]


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