Monday, April 5, 2010

Rockford, Where We All Wanna Be Big Rock Stars

When I was married I lived in Rockford, Illinois.  It's also the city my mother grew up in and where my grandmother lived until she passed two years ago.  Yet again Rockford wins another distinction, this time it is the 14th most miserable U.S. City to live in according to Forbes Magazine

I lived in Rockford for a total of two years and lived near there for twenty years.  When my mother and I inherited my grandmother's very lovely home in that city we both looked at each other and laughed when questioned whether we should keep it.  We were so ready to escape from that city back to Texas that we left directly after the funeral and drove all night back to Bar-B-Que & Shotgun Adventure Themepark.

In all fairness there are pros and cons to every city.  Here is my totally biased and not even remotely comprehensive list of the Forest City good and bad points.

Pro Rockford
- I have some very cool, smart, funny, talented and creative friends that still live there.  They are fighting the good fight and believe life will improve if they get involved and try to make a difference.  [Mike Loven, I'm lookin' at you babe.]

- Fabulous Italian food at Franchescos and Marias that would make any southerner think they had died and gone to pizza/pasta/red sauce/Sunday gravy heaven. 

- The inexplicably named "Beef A Roo" whose cheese fries I still dream about.

- The weather is very decent in the summer and never gets much above 85 except on my birthday in which they open the blast furnace for one weekend per year and it gets to be 99 and humid.

- There are lots of trees and it's very green.

- Since it's north of Chicago most people are Cubs fans and this makes for little arguing with Sox fans in grocery stores or at the local bar.  No one thinks it's weird when you claim that you would rather your sister be a prostitute than a Sox fan.

- There are lots of bars to get drunk in and they are cheap.  They play Bears games on Sundays. You can get drunk cheaply and talk about Mike Ditka to anyone, even the six year old girl sitting next to you who is also drunk.

- I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

- The last one is completely false but I was just seeing if you were still paying attention.

- It's easy to find parking almost anywhere you go because 3/4 of the city is paved.

- There are lots of prostitutes, so if you are an aspiring pimp this is a good area for it.

- My ex-husband still lives there, which means he doesn't live here, and that is the exact amount of distance that keeps us both very happy and friendly.

- Rockford is so devoid of culture and interesting things to do that my friends still living there come down to visit me a lot.

- If you have children there are plenty of sports to get them involved in. Soon it's all you do and begin to believe you know more than the coaches. Then spend every Friday night getting in fist-fights with the other parents who think they know everything there is to know about sports.

- If you really love Nickelback...  If you really love to sing Rockstar on karaoke... If you secretly want to go to the falling down ruins of an empty factory and make love to a girl who dances in a thong at The Bigfoot then this is heaven.  Embrace it "because we all wanna be big Rockstars..."

- Speaking of rockin', The Rock River is a fun way to spend an afternoon cruising around in the sunshine.  It is pretty out there.  Hopefully your friends who owned boats still have jobs and their boats.  No sane person swims in that water.

- When I got married I lived in a beautiful loft downtown that was actually in the building my parents met in.  It was within walking distance to Davis Park, on the river, and had a great view.  It also had a security system that prevented my in-laws from showing up unannounced to check whether my kitchen was clean or my sheets had been freshly laundered.

- Scoring drugs is easy if that is your thing.  It's pretty much the only burgeoning business in the town now. [Note - refer to prostitution earlier]

- They have lots of golf courses if you like to golf.

- To quote the immortal Skank Marden in the film Mystery, Alaksa "I play hockey and I fornicate, 'cause those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather."

Con Rockford
- Many of my very cool friends have run like hell from there and live in Chicago and all over the country.  The ones that are left are generally miserable and are dying to escape (ahem, Toby).

- If you go to Maria's to get amazing Italian food your car will be stolen before you've even ordered the cannolis. You will get mugged on the way to your now-non-existant car.  Then you will repeat the phrase from The Godfather, "Leave the gun, take the cannolis" and call your insurance company.

- The weather in the winter is twenty six degrees below the temperature the statement "When Hell Freezes Over" refers to. 

- Have you ever been in -20 degrees below zero at 6:30am digging your car out from the 12in. of snow that fell overnight only to realize that the heater in your car isn't working and your dog just disappeared in a drift and he might be lost for good?  No?  Then move to Rockford.  You can experience this from Halloween to Spring Break in normal years.

- Because once decades back the school district did something to discriminate and got sued your taxes are so high you might as well live in Chicago where it's fun and there is actually cool shit to do.

- With a 16.9% unemployement rate most people you know are broke and don't have enough money to go out and get drunk at the bars on every corner.  Thus leaving you drinking alone...again.

- If you don't like Nickelback you are pretty much screwed at most of the bars because you will hear it. EVERY. NIGHT.

- If you enjoy art museums there is one. But you are going to have to buy stuff for it unless you like looking at exhibitions from the local high school students 98% of the year.

- While prostitution/drug dealing and crime are on the rise we know well that "Pimpin' Ain't Easy" so your job could still be stressful.

- They have lots of golf courses that you can only use in the few months of the year that it isn't raining or so cold your golf balls fall off.

- My ex-husband and the inlaws still live there and I don't want to run into them during a Bocce Ball game at the Lombardi Club if you catch my drift. [See "Getting Fitted for Concrete Shoes"]


Sigh, this list could go on forever.  Dear Rockford, I will see you for approximately the ten minutes it takes to drive through you on my way to my 15 year class reunion in the gorgeous Rock River Valley this June.  I'll wave.  Look for the blue Range Rover with Texas plates and the girl behind the wheel never looking in the rear view mirror.

3 comments:

  1. I once bought a 1971 Chevelle from a dude in Rockford.

    I miss that car.

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  2. just stumbled upon your blog by complete random chance. been in the Rockford area for 29 of my 31 years, and every ounce of what you said is true. brilliant lil piece, and thanx for making laugh! ..and them grimace that i still live in Loves Park, IL.

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  3. Hi Bob, I am glad I could give you a laugh. I went to High School in Byron so I was always close enough to feel like I was raised mostly in Rockford. Every year I have to invent new and more creative reasons why I can't make it back up there for weddings and funerals and anything else I should be showing up for. :0)

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