Directing the Oil Spill Fix: James Cameron vs. Jerry Bruckheimer

James Cameron thinks he can fix this oil spill better than BP.  Hell, I can fix this oil spill better than BP using some boiled ham, Jack Daniels and some twine and have time left over to make us shrimp salad.  Oil covered hermit crabs have better ideas than BP also.  Their only ideas are about money, fake Public Relations Twitter Accounts and "wanting their lives back".  You know who else wants their lives back?  Pelicans, dude.  Pelicans. 

However James Cameron isn't the guy for the job.  Sure, he does have super cool mini submarines and knows where to find the Titanic.  He could use the Titanic to plug the hole, or at least all the VHS copies of Titanic sitting in garages and basements nationwide.  I'm afraid his answer is probably going to involve waiting 10 years until technology catches up with his harebrained scheme.  I'm fundamentally pre-opposing this plan.  I couldn't even make it through Avatar but I'm sure the answer isn't in there.  Plus I don't look good blue and 9 feet tall.

We are calling in the wrong director.  What about Jerry Bruckheimer with Michael Bay?  He will hire Bruce Willis as the Disaster Recovery Specialist for Project P90X. Bruce gets a quirky team of retired astronauts/convicts/fighter pilots/strippers with a heart of gold/sexy scientists/race car drivers/pirates together.  All team members had a difficult childhood or their family was taken by a tribe of worthless thugs.  Their stories will be told when the first slow Diane Warren penned song plays.  This gives them special sensitivity when they go and meet with the real fisherman who did lose their livelihood thanks to a tribe of worthless corporate thugs.

Then? Love Triangles! Hopefully Bruce remembers to hire in sets of three.  While out swimming in inexplicably clear water with each other they see an adorable baby sea otter covered in oil.  He will be brought back to the ship they all live on, nursed back to super cute health, and be spotted rarely until the end of the project when something bad ALMOST happens to him. 

Next?  A kick ass training montage!  A new [insert cheesy currently popular rock band here] song will play over the pull ups.  Then the team inspects tubes of oil in a laboratory so dark and sexy no science could EVER take place in there.  After the montage the group will try their first go at plugging the hole.  The best buddy of Bruce Willis (the funny happy one) will get tragically sucked into the hole and killed.  His oil coated body will float to the surface and Bruce will close his eyes, shout NOOO!!!! and WHHHYYY!!! towards the sky and then he will temporarily quit the team. Soul searching begins for approximately five minutes.

Then there is a big explosion.  Why?  Who knows.  There is always a big explosion.  There are also cars flipping over.  Why? Who knows. There are always cars flipping over.  There are no civilians harmed when the oil rig they are on suddenly comes crashing into town.  Why is the oil rig in town?  Who knows. You see where this 30 minutes of film is going.

Bruce and the team are able to escape the explosions, flipping cars and oil rig riddled city and make it just in time to use one of the astronaut's magic space rocks to plug the hole. How does the magic space rock work you ask?  Who knows.  There's lots of cheering, the stripper and the pirate kiss, Bruce and his arch nemesis race car driver resolve their differences and embrace.

Roll Credits.  Coming soon to a CNN near you: DEEPWATER HORIZON