How prepared are you for the Rise of the Machines? Have you been neglecting your Skynet preparedness testing? If so, I recommend employing my simple process that occurred at 5am this morning.*
[See Disclaimer]
1. Fall asleep with the laptop open in the room farthest away from you as possible.
2. Train your pet cat/dog/boa constrictor/turtle dove to find the obscure accessibility settings on your laptop. Let them turn on the "Dictation" feature using whatever set of random commands makes that happen when using a laptop as a place to take a siesta.
3. Insure that the laptop is bluetooth connected for sound to your wireless Bose system that has the volume turned all the way up from your party the previous evening.
4. At the least advantageous moment, in the deepest part of your sleep, have your pet figure out the longest work item every written. Let them arrange it so the dictation feature will begin to read it, in creepy male robot voice, with the amp turned all the way up to 11. Between the multiple different locations of sound it appears your ENTIRE HOME IS SPEAKING TO YOU ABOUT SOME REALLY WEIRD SHIT BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT STOP BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S COMING FROM.
5. When you process that you are under attack do the logical thing. Begin to cry and believe you are about to be stabby rape murdered.
6. Run out of the house but DO NOT turn off your house alarm, thus setting that off as well, adding to even greater levels of sound violence.
7. Stand in your yard, in the freezing cold, in lingerie, and look at your home with a combination of fear and a face that says "How could you betray me like this house?"
8. At this point you are finally awake enough to realize there may be other reasons why this is happening and there may not be stabby rapey murder in your future afterall.
9. Say hi to your next door neighbor, who is now unwittingly in on the preparedness drill, thanks to your house alarm.
10. Begin to think logically about how to make this stop. Think "I should just flip the breaker since that would shut everything down." Yes, this is an excellent idea about how to shut down things that run on battery life when they are unplugged!
10.5 Make a mental note to reset every clock in the house. Way to go, genius.
11. Yell F*CK!!! very loudly because that this point if there isn't going to be a stabby rapey murdering then this whole thing has really been a waste of valuable sleeping time.
12. Finally do the variety of steps it takes to shut this whole mess down. Go to Torchy's to reward yourself for your complete lack of calm or critical thinking skills with a breakfast taco. Why is a taco the reward? Who are you that you would ask such a disrespectful question? Tacos are always a reward. Sheesh people...
13. Repeat process at precisely the time in which you have forgotten everything you have learned here and must start over.
[*Disclaimer: Void where prohibited. Use as directed, but only if it's directed by David Fincher. Linda Hamilton's ripped upper body not included except in the Sarah Connor expansion pack. Illegal in the lower 48 states except Idaho where you can pretty much do any damn thing you want up in No, U Da Ho. Do not consume delicious Torchy's Breakfast Tacos until after consulting your physician to determine if you are healthy enough for sexual activity. In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. If you find you have increased gambling and sexual urges consult your doctor on how to improve your Rocking the Fuck Out skills and quit looking the gift horse in the mouth you selfish windbag. And most importantly let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with Steve.]
Do you have a holiday gathering with people you would enjoy annoying? May I suggest you make Susie's Spectacular 7 Layer dip. 
