Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Crowdsourcing Your Friends About Books


Every year I determine my goals for the New Year. About five years ago I stopped doing traditional resolutions STOP EATING! STOP SITTING! STOP FUN! and started doing things that improved my relationships with friends, family, or the world around me. 

This year one of my resolutions will be to Read Books Adored by People I Adore. In the past I've read through a large amount of the books traditionally listed in the Best of... collections. I've found some beautiful work but so often I have found it more enjoyable to read things that my friends love and will want to talk about. You discover a lot about people from reading things they enjoy. 

I will upload my goal list and also a list of the books that I would recommend to my friends tomorrow. The ones I've never stopped quoting or have left my head and heart. 

To get ideas for my final list (to be released soon) I crowdsourced my friends for ideas. Many of these books will not go on the 2013 list because I've already read them but I have new topics to discuss next time we see each other. I included their full suggestions below with their names in parenthetical in case you would like to try some new books as well. I am again reminded how lucky I have to have such intelligent company that surrounds me. 

These are their answers to the question:
"There are no rules to genre, theme, length, topic, appropriateness, maturity level or public perception. So I want to know...what are the books you can't imagine having not read. What are your favorites of all time? What were the game changers? I'd love some suggestions as I make my list."
  1. Assholes (a theory) - James Aaron (Lizzie Maldonado)
  2. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Kahled Hosseini (Jordan Ditty, Maria Cupp)
  3. Bird by Bird - Anne Lamott (Lizzie Maldonado)
  4. The Hunter - Richard Stark (Britt Schramm)
  5. Life on Planet Rock - Lonn Friend (Britt Schramm)
  6. Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie Is Not the Answer - Jen Lancaster (Melinda Massie)
  7. Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers (Melissa Ward Brock, Alyson Tidwell)
  8. Same Kind of Different Than Me - (Melissa Ward Brock)
  9. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell (Librado Lopez)
  10. 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami (Librado Lopez) 
  11. The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail - But Some Don't - Nate Silver (Jacob Siler)
  12. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (Kristina Hernandez) 
  13. Guilty Pleasures - Laurell K. Hamilton (Kristina Hernandez)
  14. The Dark Tower - Stephen King (Blake Northern, Cameron Lowry, Kelli Harrington)
  15. Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness (Kelli Harrington)
  16. The Shining - Stephen King (Katie Grimes, David Michaels) 
  17. The David Sedaris Collection (Katie Grimes, Tom Harrington)
  18. Black Coffee Blues - Henry Rollins (Katie Grimes)
  19. Small Gods - Terry Pratchett (Randi Edwards)
  20. Night Watch - Terry Pratchett (Randi Edwards)
  21. The Memoirs of Cleopatra - Margaret George (Randi Edwards)
  22. Triggerfish Twist - Tim Dorsey (Randi Edwards)
  23. A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson (Randi Edwards)
  24. Candide - Voltaire (Randi Edwards)
  25. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley (Randi Edwards)
  26. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson (Randi Edwards)
  27. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (Jody Arbuckle Ulich)
  28. Assassination Nation - Sarah Vowell (Jessica Hoover)
  29. Cheat: A Man's Guide To Infidelity - Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Joe DeRosa (Chris Guilloton)
  30. The Botany of Desire - Michael Pollan (Jessica Hoover)
  31. A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving (Mike Springer)
  32. Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry (Mike Springer)
  33. The Night Trilogy - Elie Wiesel (Mike Springer)
  34. Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, A Man Who Would Cure The World (Mike Springer)
  35. Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott (Mike Springer)
  36. The Education of Little Tree - Forrest Carter (Mike Springer)
  37. The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic and Madness In the Fair that Changed America - Erik Larson (Mike Springer, Rich Nazarro, Alyson Tidwell)
  38. The Big Rich: The Rise and Fall of the Greatest Texas Oil Fortunes - Bryan Burroughs (Mike Springer)
  39. The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein (Mike Springer, Dr. David Rocks)
  40. A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin (Lauren Martin) 
  41. Bitter Is the New Black - Jen Lancaster (Lauren Martin)
  42. The 5 People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Ablom (Debbie Thomas) 
  43. Mysteries of Pittsburgh - Michael Chabon (Mary Wiernicki) 
  44. The Prince of Tides - Pat Conroy (Mary Wiernicki)
  45. The Brothers Karamazov - Leo Tolstoy - (David Michaels)
  46. The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand (David Michaels)
  47. Naked Lunch - William S. Burroughs (David Michaels)
  48. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Woolf (David Michaels)
  49. A Perfect Day for Bananafish - J.D. Salinger (David Michaels)
  50. Women - Charles Bukowski (David Michaels)
  51. World War Z - Max Brooks (David Michaels)
  52. Confessions of an Economic Hit Man - John Perkins (Brad Sims)
  53. Redneck Manifesto: How Hillbillies, Hicks, and White Trash Have Become America's Scapegoats - Jim Goad (Brad Sims)
  54. Dry - Augusten Burroughs (Ana Sanchez-Morales)
  55. The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love - Jill Conner Browne (Ana Sanchez-Morales) 
  56. Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone To Action - Simon Sinek (Simon Salt)
  57. Amazing Things Will Happen - C.C. Chapman (Simon Salt)
  58. The Lightning Thief - Rick Riorden (Jay DiBenedetto)
  59. The Sun Also Rises - Rick Riorden (Jay DiBenedetto)
  60. The Vonnegut Collection (David Michaels, Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
  61. Darkness at Noon - Arthur Koestler (Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
  62. Middlesex - Jeffery Eugenides (Emerson Ailidh Boggs) 
  63. Dogs of Babel - Carolyn Parkhurst (Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
  64. Chariots of the Gods - Erich von Daniken (Lucas Parks)
  65. Mark of the Lion Series - Francine Rivers (Alyson Tidwell)
  66. Armed to the Teeth With Lipstick - Blag Dalia (Dan Winemiller)
  67. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig (Charles Soule)
  68. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
  69. Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
  70. The Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
  71. Prodigal Summer - Barbara Kingsolver (Maria Cupp)
  72. The Princess Bride - William Goldman (Cameron Lowry)
  73. We Were Soldiers Once...and Young - Harold Moore (Cameron Lowry)
  74. The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog - John Erikson (Cameron Lowry)
  75. The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher (Kathy Bugajsky)
  76. The End of Your Life Bookclub - Will Schwalbe (Kathy Bugajsky)
  77. Devil of Nanking - Mo Hayder (Caroline Guttery)
  78. Wind Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami (Caroline Guttery)
  79. Everything is Illuminated - Jonathan Safran Foer (Caroline Guttery)
  80. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho (Caroline Guttery) 
  81. Ellen Foster - Kaye Gibbons (Caroline Guttery) 
  82. The Secret History - Donna Tartt (Caroline Guttery) 
  83. Fool - Christopher Moore (Pete Rearden) 
  84. The Godhead Trilogy - James K. Morrow (Pete Rearden)  
  85. The Places In Between - Rory Stewart (Pete Rearden) 

I Was Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift makes me want to melt things. In the age of digital music most of the pyromanical fun involved in melting CD's is gone so now I try to nuke her music with my mind. It's not working. If her song comes on as I'm driving I actively take my eyes off the road to stab at any button that makes it stop. This is the danger in allowing just anything to be played on Sirus' The Blend station. It isn't texting while driving. It's far more dangerous. 

I thought it was an innocent dislike of her mediocre musical abilities. She can barely carry a tune live in a rhinestone glitter encrusted bucket but it's passable, not detestable, and vastly better than Britney Spears. Tons of popular musicians suck and they don't make me want to Call the Suicide Hotline, Maybe. I also thought it may involve her pre-teen "DeaR DiaRy I ToTeS woRe pLaiD today! OMG!" writing style. It's no secret that women who insist on talking in letters and sound like a child make me want to slam my forehead into the table. If you have seen one Taylor interview she falls squarely into that category. 

I recently told a friend who loves T.S. I cracked her modus operandi for songwriting:  

1) Get a boyfriend. A totally hot boyfriend. The boyfriend your girlfriends want to get with. You are not actually all that attracted to him and would rather be home nerding out with the shy guy but you will put this out of your mind because there is work to do. 
2) Put on red lip stick, a dress, some Keds to make yourself look like a 15 year old playing dress up, and do up that curly blonde hair. Then walk all around vacation towns holding hands and standing on decks of ships looking like a Ralph Lauren ad together. Be sure to attend fabulous parties and have everyone say how adorable you are as a couple.  
3) Fall in fake love until precisely the time where it is about to round second base, require a commitment, and PANIC. 
4) Do something random, mildly crazy, and unverifiable so you have to break up.
5) Feel relief but recognize the immediate need to dispel all public knowledge that it was totally your fault in the first place. 
6) Commence Operation: "It's Not Me It's Him"
7) Get out the diary and use it to complete Mad Libs in Love while sitting at the piano.
8) Piece together the results of the diary and Mad Libs in Love into song lyrics that dispel all personal blame. Then distribute it in all appropriate media channels.
9) Meet a new guy while sitting around in coffee shops looking super fabulous and mildly damsel in distress-y. 
10) Rinse. Repeat.


Susan's Ex-Husband "Chicago Ken". All 6' Eleventy".
Comes complete with appropriate glassware and suits. 
So here's the thing...that 10 step process of Taylor Swift? It's essentially the 10 step dating process of moi from the ages of 16-25. No wonder I don't like her. I wouldn't have liked me either at that age. 

At Taylor Swift's age I was kind of a jerk to men but you never would have heard me admit it. I think I figured that since I wasn't sleeping with them that I could keep at least a six-pack around waiting in the wings to take me out if my #1 choice was busy. I did have one serious boyfriend in college (He reads this blog. Dear, this doesn't apply to us, but you already know that.)  Other than him I followed the 10 step plan effectively.

What ended my reign of terror? I got married. One man managed to settle me down using a combination of witchcraft and my complete inability to pay attention to anything after my father passed away.  He also walked me around vacation towns holding hands looking like a Ralph Lauren ad. This will happen to Taylor Swift eventually. And when it ends in divorce she will enter a new stage of life; making snarky comments on the Internet.  I have a feeling that portion of Taylor Swift's catalogue may be something I can get behind.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Lest We Forget...

In dark times when even the sages are uncertain, declarations of love always do. 
- Stephen King 11/22/63

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

SKYNET Says: 404 Date Not Found

I was Brunching As a Sport on Sunday with my girlfriend who recently signed up for the internet dating service OKCupid. She was relating the difficulty of putting together a profile that conveyed who she was without making her seem like she does nothing but read. Considering she is one fine piece of lady hotness I can see where she would get a lot of responses even if she suggested that she hadn't left the house in two years and enjoyed knitting tiny sweaters for stray birds.

I realized at this juncture in life I would be terrible at filling out any questionaire about what kind of man would be a good partner for me. I took a sampling of a few questions people are required to answer via either Match.com, e-Harmony, or Plenty of Fish. I think after this it's clear that I'm not cut out for Internet Dating anymore.

Welcome to our community! 
Let's address your usage of "community". Communities are places people want to stay. Everyone in your community is hoping to get out. It's like North Korea. Everybody knows they have to be there and pretend they love it but all they want to do is escape with a partner before getting murdered or disappearing.

What brings you here today?
I was about three deep into the Cabernet and a Terminator marathon when I thought "Love is really important. I think I will hand over the responsibility for a lifetime of my happiness to a machine."

What is your greatest fear?
SKYNET

Which ethnicity best describes you?
I would like to believe it is the Eskimo. They have so many words for snow I figure they could come up with some good adjectives to describe me as well.

Where should we search?
You are the internet. Shouldn't you be searching everywhere through those series of tubes? If I wanted to narrow it down I'd just meet people the old fashioned way. Drunk. In a bar. 

What do you like in a man?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. Wait. What was the question again?

What best describes your body type?
All evidence in the previous question to the contrary, as bodies go I like em' alive. If you are interested in the opposite of alive I think that's a totally different site. I'd recommend checking out some German dating sites first. They seem to be into some weird stuff over there.

What kinds of books do you enjoy reading? 
I read the kinds of books that other people say "That made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. In fact, it actually made me very uncomfortable about you since you recommended it."

What are your Exercise Habits?
I spend a minimum of 30 min 5 times per week rushing to judgement and jumping to conclusions. I've recently added making mountains out of molehills for some cross training.

The perfect date?
A darkly lit steakhouse, some Manhattans, and then hanging out on the couch listening to the duration of Led Zeppelin IV on vinyl.

Whose couch?
Who cares? You really seem to ask a lot of personal questions.  I thought you were supposed to be fixing me up, not trying to date me SKYNET.

What is vinyl? 
I'm too old for this place.

Favorite Hot Spots
Dimly lit cocktail lounges where it is perfectly acceptable to call me Doll Face. Section 136 of Solider Field in late October or anywhere in the Wrigley bleachers in May. The area directly in front of the grill when you are cooking dinner. My side of your vehicle. The seat you now occupy at brunch with our friends. The space between the cooler and the pool deck before you hand me a drink. That place where you put your sentimental stuff. The spot between your arm and your shoulder where my head rests during Sunday afternoon naps. The back of your neck right after you get a fresh haircut.

Does He Drink?
If you are dating me you are probably going to need it or be driven to it.

What's Your Sign?













About My Date:
Height?
We are currently not interviewing for anyone classified as "man starter kit" in the height department. You also need to be tall enough to reach the top shelf of the paper products aisle at Target. I conduct open auditions for this feature at random in large retail locations throughout the metroplex.

Have kids?
Your mentally challenged and emotionally crippled buddy who is always borrowing money counts as a kid and needs to be disclosed along with any biological children you may have fathered. 

The one thing I am most passionate about in my partner:
Honestly, obviously. Kindness, obviously. But I'd like to see a solid commitment to a collegiate or professional sports team that includes the dry years. If you can stay behind your team on a 1-15 season you probably will have my back each time I have The Bronchitis.

One of my best life-skills is:
Being so good at sarcasm that people often think I'm incredibly dumb. Also wearing really shorts skirts and a looooooooong jacket. 



Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Black Christmas Trees for Shiny Happy People

Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room
It was Black. Black like 75% of my dresses. Black like my favorite Gucci platform pumps. Black like my favorite Metallica album. It was a Christmas Tree and I was obsessed.

While I loved the color I couldn't justify spending $250 at mega-store-a-plex-o-rama for this anemic version when I had a perfectly good looking tree at home. I went on Pinterest, home of my favorite "Wow, That's Really Weird and I'm Super Proud Of You Sister" home decor pics. Black Christmas Tree inspiration was in short supply. There were two pictures that did not look like I play The Cure 24/7, my love for Letters To Elise not withstanding. 

I polled my friends for feedback. Usually when I share my ideas for decorating something they look at me with a combination of worry and confusion. This was the case on this round as well. 

Sparkly Mantles are Happy Mantels 
I think they suspected that I'd devolved into *THAT* Christmas a few years back. The one where I had on near constant rotation Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas, Joni Mitchell's River, and Brandi Carlile's The Heartache Can Wait.  Yeah, I was a bit cheerful.  Someday, when we are older, I'll tell you about when my now ex-husband refused to come get me from O'Hare on Dec. 23rd because I was unable to control the airlines. And my mom drove 2 1/2 hours and found me crying in a Chicago bus station with a bag of gifts for his family and a heart that had finally shrunk to two sizes too small. Maybe when we are older.  But not now. 

Now is great. Now is happy, merry, and bright. It's already been a blessed season. It is way more Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town this year for this house and that's the way I like it.  The tree turned out exactly as I wanted it, very shiny and the light refracts off it it so much more than when it was matte green. I made it myself with the 3 P's: Paint, Prosecco, & Patience.  So I've included the DIY directions below.

My Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room
Merry Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years! 
----------------------------------------------
Do It Yourself Black Christmas Tree Directions by Susie E. Geissler
Note: There are other ways to achieve this but they are ill advised

1 fake christmas tree of any color, shape, size or country of origin
7-10 Cans of Rustoleum Gloss Black Spray Paint depending on tree size
3 cans of Rustoleum Universal Metallic Spray Paint in Silver Nickel (to "Flock" the tree for color highlight) 
Rubber Gloves you don't intend on using to do dishes or to cut jalapenos again
1 bottle of Champagne, Prosecco or Cava
Orange Sherbet
My recipe for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (sold separately) 

1. Open a bottle of Prosecco and put a spoonful of Orange Sherbet in the flute. Consume. Follow up with application of Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie. 

2. Find a well-ventilated space outdoors or a low-ventilated space indoors if you want to see dragons.

3. Put on rubber gloves in as creepy a manner as humanly possible. Bonus points if you can give weird looks at your neighbors and then quickly close your gate so they can't see what you are doing.

4. Set the tree up as normal and start spraying the Glossy Black Rustoleum from the inside of the tree out.  Spray under and over the branches one at a time at a distance of about 10 in. 

5. If you are losing feeling in your index finger take a drink of Prosecco and you won't care anymore. 

6. Spray the whole tree with the black and let dry for a few hours until it's not tacky anymore. Do not wait until you aren't tacky anymore because that could take a while depending on who you are. I'm lookin' at you Honey Boo Boo. 

7. You still can't feel your index finger? Quit whining sissy. You will get feeling back in about a week. 

8. Once dry take the Rustoleum Metallic Spray in Silver Nickel and "flock" the outside of the tree branches, concentrating the spray on the tips to reflect the light. Be proud of yourself because even the store bought black trees do not have this feature and you are now an Artist. 

8.5 Pronounce it Ar-TEEST, not Ar-TEST unless you like to beat up fans at NBA games.

9. Let the tree dry until you think it's done, wrap your arms around it and carry it into your house, and then realize the tree wasn't actually dry but after all that Prosecco who cares. 

10. Decorate accordingly. Avoid all usage of gold ornamentation unless you are a big fan of the New Orleans Saints. 

11. Rinse. Repeat.

Design Note: My home is a combination of Aubergine, Pewter Cast, Silver, Peppercorn, Dusty Grape, Tuxedo Black, and White so it seemed I could easily pull off a black tree without making it look like a big ol' bummer. [Note: For my remaining male readers my house is Purple, Black, and Gray. Gift accordingly.]