Happy 4/20, or for the rest of us... .2

All across the country people who enjoy smoking weed are forgetting that it is 4/20, the official holiday dedicated to all things Cannabis related.  I took this opportunity to refine the sandwich I intend to pitch to KFC's Stoner Product Development Group, or K.F.C.S.P.D.G. for short.  It shall be christened "The DUUUDDE!" The contents of this magical sandwich will be an egg, American cheese (or Government cheese if available) sausage and bacon omelette with crushed Dorito topping sandwiched in between two pieces of fried chicken lightly dusted with a Cheeto breading.

I am confident that with the right dedication we could debut it at Cochella next year, followed up with a special "Burning Man DUUUDDE!" that utilizes Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Doritos and may or may not contain some hallucinogenic properties.  There will need to be disclaimers on the packaging since eating "The DUUUDDE!" naked may cause injury. *See disclaimer section

Target marketing is essential for the success of "The DUUUDDE!".  I am pretty sure we could convince Jack Johnson and the Dave Matthews Band to let us sponsor their North American tours.  Hell, nobody can even name a DMB song they know from the last five years and he still convinces them to buy tickets every summer!  Besides, he owes me.  He dumped out his bus toilet on the top of the open boated architecture tour in my Chicago a few years back and I still think that's crap.  Literally.

Since there is an obvious connection to The Big Lebowski we could also have tasting parties at bowling alleys nationwide.  T-shirts will say "F#&k it DUUUDDE, let's go bowling!" with a big picture of Walter (aka John Goodman) holding the sandwich like a rifle.  That's some $hit people will buy into. No doubt.

Since development on "The DUUUDDE!" is coming to an end I've started thinking ahead.  It's nearing Cinco De Mayo, the time for my newest creation...  The Vato!  This magical Mexican masterpiece will be a regionally unspecific work of modern manufactured cuisine.  Start with over-easy eggs, re-fried beans, queso, and chorizo dusted with crushed tortilla chips and sandwiched in between two pieces of fajita marinated flank steak and garnished with salsa. Cholula and Limes served on the side.  It's the perfect accompaniment to a Modelo Especial or a Dos Equis. 

"He may not always eat food, but when he does he eats...The Vato!"

[Results may vary. Illegal in 32 states including Utah where everything is illegal so operate under that assumption from now on, may increase gambling and/or sexual urges, not for use by children under 18, talk to your doctor if you experience an erection lasting six or more hours instead of just calling all your friends to brag, some assembly required, if you, or someone you know, is suffering from addiction then the chemicals we used are working, objects in mirror may be closer than they appear so back up, use as directed, lifeguard not on duty, if you are in the Los Angeles area and would like tickets to see Dr. Phil please call (323) 461-7445, if you develop a gash, a rash, and purple bumps then put down "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and seek medical attention immediately, highly flammable, contents under pressure, proceed at your own risk.]

Paging Clark Griswold

I spent most of today going through the process of changing my old consulting business into my new venture.  I am very excited about it but need about two - three months of planning before I can really get ready to debut my new plan.  Everything is going along swimmingly.  It's good to be busy and working toward something positive and new.  I think I spent too many years working from a defensive position in Project Management.  When you have to describe your job as "all you need to know is that you are never supposed to meet me" it doesn't exactly make for a lot of positive happy days.

It was time to move into something that uses my strange skill set in a way that is emotionally and mentally sustainable for me.  I'm very excited.  Details to follow.

Random Thoughts for today:

• Anti-depressant commercials are depressing, thus making many people think they are depressed.   
• The State of Texas makes up for not having a state income tax by taxing the shit out of everything else and also arresting people for blinking wrong.  I paid $300 to the state today just for a filing fee on my LLC. 
• The State of Texas isn't as great as it thinks it is, but it's vastly better than some places.
• Randy Quaid is a "bona-fide fugitive" according to the news today.  I can't understand how anybody loses Randy Quaid.  Have we learned nothing from Christmas Vacation?  He took the RV, drove to Dennis Quaid's house and is holing up there until the shitters full.  Case closed.  I'm like mother freakin' Colombo over here.
• The show "Human Target"  has two major drawbacks. First, the main character looks like my ex-husband. Second, he falls in love with some chick in every episode.  It's implausible, much like my ex.

It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World and I'm Wearing Milkbone Underpants

Shit-tacular.  If it isn't a word it should be.  It best describes one of the worst weekends I've had in years and the cause of my subsequent epiphany.  Do you ever feel like the universe is trying really hard to tell you something and it takes a lightening bolt to finally get through to you? Do you ever feel like Lindsay Lohan has never had one of these moments?  Do you ever feel you shouldn't be having feelings about Lindsay Lohan at all but yet she remains in the back of your consciousness even though you have only ever seen one of her movies?

It all started on Friday...[Insert crap-tastic things here, add a dash of salty tears, a pinch of peppery conversations, more foolish fighting than Foo Fighting and Col. Mustard in the library with a candlestick]...and now it's Tuesday.

By yesterday morning I was looking into the restorative benefits of going to bed for a week.  I kept thinking why do these weird things happen to me in spurts like this? How could I be so scatterbrained lately? Then it occurred to me that there is only one thing that changed in the last year - my socializing.  Back in those years before I didn't have time to live free and wild like the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay.  I was focused.

Part of it is how my mind works, or doesn't work.  Since I was a kid I have lived with a mind that runs 100,000 revolutions per minute.  It's as if my brain is like a water cooler sized bottle with an opening the size of a soda can. There is just so much stuff going on in there at all times it feels like I can't shut it off.  Part of why I went into Project Management was because that structure is how I have to live my life to make sure things don't slip through the cracks.  Call it ADD, call it naturally scatterbrained, call it blonde, call it what you will but that's me.  I learned how to manage it well over the years.

Anyone who spends a lot of time with me knows that when at my fullest faculties I am always checking for things. I say "Where are my keys, my cell phone, my purse...". I always inventory things I have a predisposition to misplacing.  It probably drives them nuts but then if you hang out with me you are probably a bit off yourself. I'm the one that always has us ready for the road trip, has the extra just-in-case Bendryl, Ibuprofin, the flash light, the twine, the Swiss Army Knife and anything else we need in case of a MacGuyver related incident.

However, when I am out having some cocktails it's as if my head turns to Cotton Candy.  I forget things. I stop being paranoid about where my phone and car keys are. I leave things sitting in places they are never meant to go. I will leave the door unlocked, the eggs on the kitchen counter, the lights on in the hall and the toothpaste in the silverware drawer and never realize it til later.

In the last year I have had the luxury and also the curse of being able to let my mind and life be freer. I'm not driving to Dallas every day of my life. I'm not up doing project plans at 4am with people from Barcelona.  I don't have to write To-Do lists that are five pages long so I will fit everything into the few hours I have to sleep.  I can relax, enjoy spending time with my friends and let my mind be what it wants to be.  I can go out for Happy Hour because I actually get home in time to go there.  I don't have to worry whether I should go home after only one because I will be exhausted the next day.

It's great to have this kind of freedom, but maybe freedom from all your mental faculties isn't always exactly good for people like me.  I thrive well on structure and stress.  I need a new challenge, something to get me going again.  Many of the people I socialize with have had really weird things happen to them this year also. In some ways those incidences are contagious.  It's why we are all sitting there commiserating about the same stuff.  It's also why people who like professional wrestling tend to have their four-wheelers breakdown all in the same week. 

So it's time for me to slow down just a bit, get back to my life of lists, structure and challenge. It's not that I am giving up my social life entirely or not drinking ever again. It's just time for me to add back in some good healthy things along with it.  It's time to clear out the old and start anew.  And of course, Keep Calm and Carry On.

Rockford, Where We All Wanna Be Big Rock Stars

When I was married I lived in Rockford, Illinois.  It's also the city my mother grew up in and where my grandmother lived until she passed two years ago.  Yet again Rockford wins another distinction, this time it is the 14th most miserable U.S. City to live in according to Forbes Magazine

I lived in Rockford for a total of two years and lived near there for twenty years.  When my mother and I inherited my grandmother's very lovely home in that city we both looked at each other and laughed when questioned whether we should keep it.  We were so ready to escape from that city back to Texas that we left directly after the funeral and drove all night back to Bar-B-Que & Shotgun Adventure Themepark.

In all fairness there are pros and cons to every city.  Here is my totally biased and not even remotely comprehensive list of the Forest City good and bad points.

Pro Rockford
- I have some very cool, smart, funny, talented and creative friends that still live there.  They are fighting the good fight and believe life will improve if they get involved and try to make a difference.  [Mike Loven, I'm lookin' at you babe.]

- Fabulous Italian food at Franchescos and Marias that would make any southerner think they had died and gone to pizza/pasta/red sauce/Sunday gravy heaven. 

- The inexplicably named "Beef A Roo" whose cheese fries I still dream about.

- The weather is very decent in the summer and never gets much above 85 except on my birthday in which they open the blast furnace for one weekend per year and it gets to be 99 and humid.

- There are lots of trees and it's very green.

- Since it's north of Chicago most people are Cubs fans and this makes for little arguing with Sox fans in grocery stores or at the local bar.  No one thinks it's weird when you claim that you would rather your sister be a prostitute than a Sox fan.

- There are lots of bars to get drunk in and they are cheap.  They play Bears games on Sundays. You can get drunk cheaply and talk about Mike Ditka to anyone, even the six year old girl sitting next to you who is also drunk.

- I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

- The last one is completely false but I was just seeing if you were still paying attention.

- It's easy to find parking almost anywhere you go because 3/4 of the city is paved.

- There are lots of prostitutes, so if you are an aspiring pimp this is a good area for it.

- My ex-husband still lives there, which means he doesn't live here, and that is the exact amount of distance that keeps us both very happy and friendly.

- Rockford is so devoid of culture and interesting things to do that my friends still living there come down to visit me a lot.

- If you have children there are plenty of sports to get them involved in. Soon it's all you do and begin to believe you know more than the coaches. Then spend every Friday night getting in fist-fights with the other parents who think they know everything there is to know about sports.

- If you really love Nickelback...  If you really love to sing Rockstar on karaoke... If you secretly want to go to the falling down ruins of an empty factory and make love to a girl who dances in a thong at The Bigfoot then this is heaven.  Embrace it "because we all wanna be big Rockstars..."

- Speaking of rockin', The Rock River is a fun way to spend an afternoon cruising around in the sunshine.  It is pretty out there.  Hopefully your friends who owned boats still have jobs and their boats.  No sane person swims in that water.

- When I got married I lived in a beautiful loft downtown that was actually in the building my parents met in.  It was within walking distance to Davis Park, on the river, and had a great view.  It also had a security system that prevented my in-laws from showing up unannounced to check whether my kitchen was clean or my sheets had been freshly laundered.

- Scoring drugs is easy if that is your thing.  It's pretty much the only burgeoning business in the town now. [Note - refer to prostitution earlier]

- They have lots of golf courses if you like to golf.

- To quote the immortal Skank Marden in the film Mystery, Alaksa "I play hockey and I fornicate, 'cause those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather."

Con Rockford
- Many of my very cool friends have run like hell from there and live in Chicago and all over the country.  The ones that are left are generally miserable and are dying to escape (ahem, Toby).

- If you go to Maria's to get amazing Italian food your car will be stolen before you've even ordered the cannolis. You will get mugged on the way to your now-non-existant car.  Then you will repeat the phrase from The Godfather, "Leave the gun, take the cannolis" and call your insurance company.

- The weather in the winter is twenty six degrees below the temperature the statement "When Hell Freezes Over" refers to. 

- Have you ever been in -20 degrees below zero at 6:30am digging your car out from the 12in. of snow that fell overnight only to realize that the heater in your car isn't working and your dog just disappeared in a drift and he might be lost for good?  No?  Then move to Rockford.  You can experience this from Halloween to Spring Break in normal years.

- Because once decades back the school district did something to discriminate and got sued your taxes are so high you might as well live in Chicago where it's fun and there is actually cool shit to do.

- With a 16.9% unemployement rate most people you know are broke and don't have enough money to go out and get drunk at the bars on every corner.  Thus leaving you drinking alone...again.

- If you don't like Nickelback you are pretty much screwed at most of the bars because you will hear it. EVERY. NIGHT.

- If you enjoy art museums there is one. But you are going to have to buy stuff for it unless you like looking at exhibitions from the local high school students 98% of the year.

- While prostitution/drug dealing and crime are on the rise we know well that "Pimpin' Ain't Easy" so your job could still be stressful.

- They have lots of golf courses that you can only use in the few months of the year that it isn't raining or so cold your golf balls fall off.

- My ex-husband and the inlaws still live there and I don't want to run into them during a Bocce Ball game at the Lombardi Club if you catch my drift. [See "Getting Fitted for Concrete Shoes"]


Sigh, this list could go on forever.  Dear Rockford, I will see you for approximately the ten minutes it takes to drive through you on my way to my 15 year class reunion in the gorgeous Rock River Valley this June.  I'll wave.  Look for the blue Range Rover with Texas plates and the girl behind the wheel never looking in the rear view mirror.

That Chicks the size of Moby Dick!

It's Easter and I am sitting here in Texas thinking about the Easter day I spent with my dear friends Karma and Fangirl in California.  It was the day after Denyse and Fran got married.  We drove up to Point Dume Beach in Malibu, which is famed for being the rock used in the end of Planet of the Apes.  While we didn't see a yelling Charleton Heston on the beach we did watch the dolphins jump and the whales too.  It was so beautiful that I often thought it was like going to church.  Great memories of some wonderful friends.

So on a day in which I'm thinking about past whale watching I come along an article confirming that the new KFC sandwich to be released is called "The Double Down."  It's a bacon and cheese sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken as the bun. Yeah you heard me, THE BUN IS MADE OF FRIED CHICKEN!  Remember when KFC came out with those bowls that were basically all the foods they make piled into one mashed potato based concoction?  It has occurred to me that whoever is in charge of new product development for KFC is actually a huge stoner.  All these new food ideas are precisely the same things that stoners decide would be good combinations when their wasted.  What is next for KFC?  I bet you anything it will be smashed Doritos and Cheetos with melted cheese on mashed potatoes with crumbled bacon in between two pieces of fried chicken. It's name?  The "DUUUUDE".  You laugh, but I give it a year before it's on the market.

And Ain't that America, for you and me...