Crowdsourcing Your Friends About Books

Every year I determine my goals for the New Year. About five years ago I stopped doing traditional resolutions STOP EATING! STOP SITTING! STOP FUN! and started doing things that improved my relationships with friends, family, or the world around me. 

This year one of my resolutions will be to Read Books Adored by People I Adore. In the past I've read through a large amount of the books traditionally listed in the Best of... collections. I've found some beautiful work but so often I have found it more enjoyable to read things that my friends love and will want to talk about. You discover a lot about people from reading things they enjoy. 

I will upload my goal list and also a list of the books that I would recommend to my friends tomorrow. The ones I've never stopped quoting or have left my head and heart. 

To get ideas for my final list (to be released soon) I crowdsourced my friends for ideas. Many of these books will not go on the 2013 list because I've already read them but I have new topics to discuss next time we see each other. I included their full suggestions below with their names in parenthetical in case you would like to try some new books as well. I am again reminded how lucky I have to have such intelligent company that surrounds me. 

These are their answers to the question:
"There are no rules to genre, theme, length, topic, appropriateness, maturity level or public perception. So I want to know...what are the books you can't imagine having not read. What are your favorites of all time? What were the game changers? I'd love some suggestions as I make my list."

1. Assholes (a theory) - James Aaron (Lizzie Maldonado)
2. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Kahled Hosseini (Jordan Ditty, Maria Cupp)
3. Bird by Bird - Anne Lamott (Lizzie Maldonado)
4. The Hunter - Richard Stark (Britt Schramm)
5. Life on Planet Rock - Lonn Friend (Britt Schramm)
6. Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie Is Not the Answer - Jen Lancaster (Melinda Massie)
7. Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers (Melissa Ward Brock, Alyson Tidwell)
8. Same Kind of Different Than Me - (Melissa Ward Brock)
9. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell (Librado Lopez)
10. 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami (Librado Lopez) 
11. The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail - But Some Don't - Nate Silver (Jacob Siler)
12. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (Kristina Hernandez) 
13. Guilty Pleasures - Laurell K. Hamilton (Kristina Hernandez)
14. The Dark Tower - Stephen King (Blake Northern, Cameron Lowry, Kelli Harrington)
15. Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness (Kelli Harrington)
16. The Shining - Stephen King (Katie Grimes, David Michaels) 
17. The David Sedaris Collection (Katie Grimes, Tom Harrington)
18. Black Coffee Blues - Henry Rollins (Katie Grimes)
19. Small Gods - Terry Pratchett (Randi Edwards)
20. Night Watch - Terry Pratchett (Randi Edwards)
21. The Memoirs of Cleopatra - Margaret George (Randi Edwards)
22. Triggerfish Twist - Tim Dorsey (Randi Edwards)
23. A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson (Randi Edwards)
24. Candide - Voltaire (Randi Edwards)
25. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley (Randi Edwards)
26. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson (Randi Edwards)
27. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (Jody Arbuckle Ulich)
28. Assassination Nation - Sarah Vowell (Jessica Hoover)
29. Cheat: A Man's Guide To Infidelity - Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Joe DeRosa (Chris Guilloton)
30. The Botany of Desire - Michael Pollan (Jessica Hoover)
31. A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving (Mike Springer)
32. Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry (Mike Springer)
33. The Night Trilogy - Elie Wiesel (Mike Springer)
34. Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, A Man Who Would Cure The World (Mike Springer)
35. Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott (Mike Springer)
36. The Education of Little Tree - Forrest Carter (Mike Springer)
37. The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic and Madness In the Fair that Changed America - Erik Larson (Mike Springer, Rich Nazarro, Alyson Tidwell)
38. The Big Rich: The Rise and Fall of the Greatest Texas Oil Fortunes - Bryan Burroughs (Mike Springer)
39. The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein (Mike Springer, Dr. David Rocks)
40. A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin (Lauren Martin) 
41. Bitter Is the New Black - Jen Lancaster (Lauren Martin)
42. The 5 People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Ablom (Debbie Thomas) 
43. Mysteries of Pittsburgh - Michael Chabon (Mary Wiernicki) 
44. The Prince of Tides - Pat Conroy (Mary Wiernicki)
45. The Brothers Karamazov - Leo Tolstoy - (David Michaels)
46. The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand (David Michaels)
47. Naked Lunch - William S. Burroughs (David Michaels)
48. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Woolf (David Michaels)
49. A Perfect Day for Bananafish - J.D. Salinger (David Michaels)
50. Women - Charles Bukowski (David Michaels)
51. World War Z - Max Brooks (David Michaels)
52. Confessions of an Economic Hit Man - John Perkins (Brad Sims)
53. Redneck Manifesto: How Hillbillies, Hicks, and White Trash Have Become America's Scapegoats - Jim Goad (Brad Sims)
54. Dry - Augusten Burroughs (Ana Sanchez-Morales)
55. The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love - Jill Conner Browne (Ana Sanchez-Morales) 
56. Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone To Action - Simon Sinek (Simon Salt)
57. Amazing Things Will Happen - C.C. Chapman (Simon Salt)
58. The Lightning Thief - Rick Riorden (Jay DiBenedetto)
59. The Sun Also Rises - Rick Riorden (Jay DiBenedetto)
60. The Vonnegut Collection (David Michaels, Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
61. Darkness at Noon - Arthur Koestler (Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
62. Middlesex - Jeffery Eugenides (Emerson Ailidh Boggs) 
63. Dogs of Babel - Carolyn Parkhurst (Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
64. Chariots of the Gods - Erich von Daniken (Lucas Parks)
65. Mark of the Lion Series - Francine Rivers (Alyson Tidwell)
66. Armed to the Teeth With Lipstick - Blag Dalia (Dan Winemiller)
67. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig (Charles Soule)
68. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
69. Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
70. The Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
71. Prodigal Summer - Barbara Kingsolver (Maria Cupp)
72. The Princess Bride - William Goldman (Cameron Lowry)
73. We Were Soldiers Once...and Young - Harold Moore (Cameron Lowry)
74. The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog - John Erikson (Cameron Lowry)
75. The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher (Kathy Bugajsky)
76. The End of Your Life Bookclub - Will Schwalbe (Kathy Bugajsky)
77. Devil of Nanking - Mo Hayder (Caroline Guttery)
78. Wind Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami (Caroline Guttery)
79. Everything is Illuminated - Jonathan Safran Foer (Caroline Guttery)
80. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho (Caroline Guttery) 
81. Ellen Foster - Kaye Gibbons (Caroline Guttery) 
82. The Secret History - Donna Tartt (Caroline Guttery) 
83. Fool - Christopher Moore (Pete Rearden) 
84. The Godhead Trilogy - James K. Morrow (Pete Rearden)  
85. The Places In Between - Rory Stewart (Pete Rearden) 

I Was Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift makes me want to melt things. In the age of digital music most of the pyromanical fun involved in melting CD's is gone so now I try to nuke her music with my mind. It's not working. If her song comes on as I'm driving I actively take my eyes off the road to stab at any button that makes it stop. This is the danger in allowing just anything to be played on Sirus' The Blend station. It isn't texting while driving. It's far more dangerous. 

I thought it was an innocent dislike of her mediocre musical abilities. She can barely carry a tune live in a rhinestone glitter encrusted bucket but it's passable, not detestable, and vastly better than Britney Spears. Tons of popular musicians suck and they don't make me want to Call the Suicide Hotline, Maybe. I also thought it may involve her pre-teen "DeaR DiaRy I ToTeS woRe pLaiD today! OMG!" writing style. It's no secret that women who insist on talking in letters and sound like a child make me want to slam my forehead into the table. If you have seen one Taylor interview she falls squarely into that category. 

I recently told a friend who loves T.S. I cracked her modus operandi for songwriting:  

1) Get a boyfriend. A totally hot boyfriend. The boyfriend your girlfriends want to get with. You are not actually all that attracted to him and would rather be home nerding out with the shy guy but you will put this out of your mind because there is work to do. 

2) Put on red lip stick, a dress, some Keds to make yourself look like a 15 year old playing dress up, and do up that curly blonde hair. Then walk all around vacation towns holding hands and standing on decks of ships looking like a Ralph Lauren ad together. Be sure to attend fabulous parties and have everyone say how adorable you are as a couple.  

3) Fall in fake love until precisely the time where it is about to round second base, require a commitment, and PANIC. 

4) Do something random, mildly crazy, and unverifiable so you have to break up.

5) Feel relief but recognize the immediate need to dispel all public knowledge that it was totally your fault in the first place. 

6) Commence Operation: "It's Not Me It's Him"

7) Get out the diary and use it to complete Mad Libs in Love while sitting at the piano.

8) Piece together the results of the diary and Mad Libs in Love into song lyrics that dispel all personal blame. Then distribute it in all appropriate media channels.

9) Meet a new guy while sitting around in coffee shops looking super fabulous and mildly damsel in distress-y. 

10) Rinse. Repeat.

Susan's Ex-Husband "Chicago Ken". All 6' Eleventy".
Comes complete with appropriate glassware and suits. 

So here's the thing...that 10 step process of Taylor Swift? It's essentially the 10 step dating process of moi from the ages of 16-25. No wonder I don't like her. I wouldn't have liked me either at that age. 

At Taylor Swift's age I was kind of a jerk to men but you never would have heard me admit it. I think I figured that since I wasn't sleeping with them that I could keep at least a six-pack around waiting in the wings to take me out if my #1 choice was busy. I did have one serious boyfriend in college (He reads this blog. Dear, this doesn't apply to us, but you already know that.)  Other than him I followed the 10 step plan effectively.

What ended my reign of terror? I got married. One man managed to settle me down using a combination of witchcraft and my complete inability to pay attention to anything after my father passed away.  He also walked me around vacation towns holding hands looking like a Ralph Lauren ad. This will happen to Taylor Swift eventually. And when it ends in divorce she will enter a new stage of life; making snarky comments on the Internet.  I have a feeling that portion of Taylor Swift's catalogue may be something I can get behind.

Lest We Forget...

In dark times when even the sages are uncertain, declarations of love always do. 
- Stephen King 11/22/63

SKYNET Says: 404 Date Not Found

I was Brunching As a Sport on Sunday with my girlfriend who recently signed up for the internet dating service OKCupid. She was relating the difficulty of putting together a profile that conveyed who she was without making her seem like she does nothing but read. Considering she is one fine piece of lady hotness I can see where she would get a lot of responses even if she suggested that she hadn't left the house in two years and enjoyed knitting tiny sweaters for stray birds.

I realized at this juncture in life I would be terrible at filling out any questionaire about what kind of man would be a good partner for me. I took a sampling of a few questions people are required to answer via either Match.com, e-Harmony, or Plenty of Fish. I think after this it's clear that I'm not cut out for Internet Dating anymore.

Welcome to our community! 
Let's address your usage of "community". Communities are places people want to stay. Everyone in your community is hoping to get out. It's like North Korea. Everybody knows they have to be there and pretend they love it but all they want to do is escape with a partner before getting murdered or disappearing.

What brings you here today?
I was about three deep into the Cabernet and a Terminator marathon when I thought "Love is really important. I think I will hand over the responsibility for a lifetime of my happiness to a machine."

What is your greatest fear?
SKYNET

Which ethnicity best describes you?
I would like to believe it is the Eskimo. They have so many words for snow I figure they could come up with some good adjectives to describe me as well.

Where should we search?
You are the internet. Shouldn't you be searching everywhere through those series of tubes? If I wanted to narrow it down I'd just meet people the old fashioned way. Drunk. In a bar. 

What do you like in a man?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. Wait. What was the question again?

What best describes your body type?
All evidence in the previous question to the contrary, as bodies go I like em' alive. If you are interested in the opposite of alive I think that's a totally different site. I'd recommend checking out some German dating sites first. They seem to be into some weird stuff over there.

What kinds of books do you enjoy reading? 
I read the kinds of books that other people say "That made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. In fact, it actually made me very uncomfortable about you since you recommended it."

What are your Exercise Habits?
I spend a minimum of 30 min 5 times per week rushing to judgement and jumping to conclusions. I've recently added making mountains out of molehills for some cross training.

The perfect date?
A darkly lit steakhouse, some Manhattans, and then hanging out on the couch listening to the duration of Led Zeppelin IV on vinyl.

Whose couch?
Who cares? You really seem to ask a lot of personal questions.  I thought you were supposed to be fixing me up, not trying to date me SKYNET.

What is vinyl? 
I'm too old for this place.

Favorite Hot Spots
Dimly lit cocktail lounges where it is perfectly acceptable to call me Doll Face. Section 136 of Solider Field in late October or anywhere in the Wrigley bleachers in May. The area directly in front of the grill when you are cooking dinner. My side of your vehicle. The seat you now occupy at brunch with our friends. The space between the cooler and the pool deck before you hand me a drink. That place where you put your sentimental stuff. The spot between your arm and your shoulder where my head rests during Sunday afternoon naps. The back of your neck right after you get a fresh haircut.

Does He Drink?
If you are dating me you are probably going to need it or be driven to it.

What's Your Sign?

About My Date:
Height?
We are currently not interviewing for anyone classified as "man starter kit" in the height department. You also need to be tall enough to reach the top shelf of the paper products aisle at Target. I conduct open auditions for this feature at random in large retail locations throughout the metroplex.

Have kids?
Your mentally challenged and emotionally crippled buddy who is always borrowing money counts as a kid and needs to be disclosed along with any biological children you may have fathered. 

The one thing I am most passionate about in my partner:
Honestly, obviously. Kindness, obviously. But I'd like to see a solid commitment to a collegiate or professional sports team that includes the dry years. If you can stay behind your team on a 1-15 season you probably will have my back each time I have The Bronchitis.

One of my best life-skills is:
Being so good at sarcasm that people often think I'm incredibly dumb. Also wearing really shorts skirts and a looooooooong jacket. 

Black Christmas Trees for Shiny Happy People

Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room

It was Black. Black like 75% of my dresses. Black like my favorite Gucci platform pumps. Black like my favorite Metallica album. It was a Christmas Tree and I was obsessed.

While I loved the color I couldn't justify spending $250 at mega-store-a-plex-o-rama for this anemic version when I had a perfectly good looking tree at home. I went on Pinterest, home of my favorite "Wow, That's Really Weird and I'm Super Proud Of You Sister" home decor pics. Black Christmas Tree inspiration was in short supply. There were two pictures that did not look like I play The Cure 24/7, my love for Letters To Elise not withstanding. 

I polled my friends for feedback. Usually when I share my ideas for decorating something they look at me with a combination of worry and confusion. This was the case on this round as well. 

Sparkly Mantles are Happy Mantels 

I think they suspected that I'd devolved into *THAT* Christmas a few years back. The one where I had on near constant rotation Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas, Joni Mitchell's River, and Brandi Carlile's The Heartache Can Wait.  Yeah, I was a bit cheerful.  Someday, when we are older, I'll tell you about when my now ex-husband refused to come get me from O'Hare on Dec. 23rd because I was unable to control the airlines. And my mom drove 2 1/2 hours and found me crying in a Chicago bus station with a bag of gifts for his family and a heart that had finally shrunk to two sizes too small. Maybe when we are older.  But not now. 

Now is great. Now is happy, merry, and bright. It's already been a blessed season. It is way more Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town this year for this house and that's the way I like it.  The tree turned out exactly as I wanted it, very shiny and the light refracts off it it so much more than when it was matte green. I made it myself with the 3 P's: Paint, Prosecco, & Patience.  So I've included the DIY directions below.

My Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room

Merry Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years! 

----------------------------------------------

Do It Yourself Black Christmas Tree Directions by Susie E. Geissler
Note: There are other ways to achieve this but they are ill advised

1 fake christmas tree of any color, shape, size or country of origin

7-10 Cans of Rustoleum Gloss Black Spray Paint depending on tree size

3 cans of Rustoleum Universal Metallic Spray Paint in Silver Nickel (to "Flock" the tree for color highlight) 

Rubber Gloves you don't intend on using to do dishes or to cut jalapenos again

1 bottle of Champagne, Prosecco or Cava

Orange Sherbet

My recipe for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (sold separately) 

1. Open a bottle of Prosecco and put a spoonful of Orange Sherbet in the flute. Consume. Follow up with application of Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie. 

2. Find a well-ventilated space outdoors or a low-ventilated space indoors if you want to see dragons.

3. Put on rubber gloves in as creepy a manner as humanly possible. Bonus points if you can give weird looks at your neighbors and then quickly close your gate so they can't see what you are doing.

4. Set the tree up as normal and start spraying the Glossy Black Rustoleum from the inside of the tree out.  Spray under and over the branches one at a time at a distance of about 10 in. 

5. If you are losing feeling in your index finger take a drink of Prosecco and you won't care anymore. 

6. Spray the whole tree with the black and let dry for a few hours until it's not tacky anymore. Do not wait until you aren't tacky anymore because that could take a while depending on who you are. I'm lookin' at you Honey Boo Boo. 

7. You still can't feel your index finger? Quit whining sissy. You will get feeling back in about a week. 

8. Once dry take the Rustoleum Metallic Spray in Silver Nickel and "flock" the outside of the tree branches, concentrating the spray on the tips to reflect the light. Be proud of yourself because even the store bought black trees do not have this feature and you are now an Artist. 

8.5 Pronounce it Ar-TEEST, not Ar-TEST unless you like to beat up fans at NBA games.

9. Let the tree dry until you think it's done, wrap your arms around it and carry it into your house, and then realize the tree wasn't actually dry but after all that Prosecco who cares. 

10. Decorate accordingly. Avoid all usage of gold ornamentation unless you are a big fan of the New Orleans Saints. 

11. Rinse. Repeat.

Design Note: My home is a combination of Aubergine, Pewter Cast, Silver, Peppercorn, Dusty Grape, Tuxedo Black, and White so it seemed I could easily pull off a black tree without making it look like a big ol' bummer. [Note: For my remaining male readers my house is Purple, Black, and Gray. Gift accordingly.]

Red Beans & Rice Time, Fo Sho

Dirty Coast Shirt - Believe in the Trinity

Somehow I always seem to end up around Louisiana people. Maybe it's leftovers from part of my mom's family marrying one of those crazy french named people and moving off to Baton Rouge. Maybe it's the transplants who ended up in the north just long enough to teach me how a cook a few things like their families used to do it. Either way I appreciate the lifestyle and the food. With plenty of cocktails around, plenty of family and friends clogging up the kitchen, and plenty of food on the table.

My first real meal in the kitchen of my new house was Red Beans & Rice. I had been craving it since I had a terrible bland version of it at Pappadeaux recently. I think their recipe was 1) make white rice 2) open can of red beans 3) dump beans into rice and stir. It was depressing.

So here's the recipe I use that I told my childhood friend Emily I would give her. The recipe has lasted a generation or so with only slight variations to accessibility in certain regions. So hopefully you enjoy and tell your mama n' dem I said hello. 

* Note: This includes the same amount of heat as the original version I learned and how I like to eat it...and I like HOT food. Please, if you have a palate that needs less heat, do a Yankee Adjustment and half the cayenne. You can always add more in if you need it. 

Red Beans & Rice

Not a great pic from my kitchen,
but you get the idea.

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

1 cup chopped onions

1/2 cup chopped celery 

1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper

sea salt 

freshly ground black pepper

1/2 tsp cayenne pepper* 

1tsp dried thyme

4 fresh bay leaves

1 lb boiled ham cut into small cubes (Tasso ham if you can find it. If not then go for a good quality ham  that is not flavored)

2 links of Andouille Sausage cut into cubes/slices (if you cannot find Andouille, use a classic smoked sausage of high quality)

1 lb bag of red beans, soaked, rinsed and picked over (you can use canned but the flavor isn't as good)

3 tbsp fresh minced garlic

water

steamed rice (I like Texmati long-grain made with butter and a pinch of salt) 

1) In a heavy coated dutch oven heat the oil over medium heat.  Saute the onions, celery and green pepper together for 2 minutes. Then add the salt, pepper, cayenne* and thyme and saute for around 5 minutes. 

2) Add the bay leaves, ham, and sausage to the pot and saute for another 5 minutes. 

3) Add the beans and garlic to the pot and then add water enough to cover over the top of the ingredients. Bring the pot to a boil. 

4) Reduce heat to medium-low, leave uncovered, and simmer for 2-3 hours. Stir the pot occasionally and ensure that the contents remain moist in the pot and slightly soupy. If the water cooks down too far add more to prevent dryness. 

5) As the beans become soft after a few hours use a wooden spoon to mash half the mixture up against the sides of the pot. Continue to cook for another 1-2 hours until the mixture becomes creamy in consistency.  [I like mine together to have the consistency of risotto but you can leave it a bit more soupy if you please. Just not too watery or thin. - S]

6) Remove bay leaves.

7) Serve ladled over steamed rice with french bread.

Cancer - It's Not Just Our Astrological Sign

I'm tired. In fact I am exhausted. Maybe I didn't realize it until this morning, after the good news we never thought we would get. On my standard morning commute post a morning of no hot water in the shower, Starbucks getting my order wrong, traffic and totally normal living stuff I finally realized I was wiped out for a totally different reason.  And I should be the opposite. What the hell was wrong with me?

Summer 2011 back in Illinois

Two years ago, the week before Christmas, I was told I had about 6 months left with my mother.  The cancer she fought off when I was 16 was inexplicably back with a vengeance. Yesterday we found out that she was having her status changed from "Terminal" into "Remission". A thing they never really do in the medical establishment. Once it metastasized into her hip, she was a "get your affairs in order" goner. And now...a survivor. Why did I feel so overwhelmed? Why did I not know what to say to my happy friends last night? Why wasn't I screaming from the rafters now that I got everything I had spent all my breaths asking God for over the last few years? Why did I feel sad and guilty that not everyone gets this break? Why did I want to do nothing but cry? Not just sort of cry, but uncontrollable crying. The kind that not even Christian Dior's Waterproof Black Out Mascara can handle so it heads to the safety of the corners of my face.

Then it occurred to me what might be the problem. When you love people who are sick, or you lose people who are sick, it fundamentally changes the fabric of everything in your life. Small ordinary moments take on a gravity that is hard to describe. You don't plan for Thanksgiving. You plan for your last Thanksgiving with that person. Every conversation could be the last. Every phone call could be the same call you got when your dad was dead. And Steve was dead. If I had known it would be the last time I would have paid so much more attention. And because you can't possibly live with thinking that way on a daily basis without going mad with pressure you find a thousand coping strategies to survive.

There was a part I never talked about that made it the most difficult for me. It wasn't the being alone part. I'm not alone. I have an amazing family of friends that love me and care for me. It was the feeling I couldn't shake that it was my job to be the one that took care of the end, swept the floors, and shut off the lights for that which I love.

The last 15 years of my life has been concerned, in one way or another, with finding out how to live around cancer while it tried to take everything I loved from me. I am an only child and lost my father to cancer in my early twenties. I buried one of my closest friends last year. I have friends who are currently fighting for their lives. I wasn't ready to be an orphan or say goodbye to anyone else but I had been preparing myself for it for so long. What do you do when you don't need to live that way anymore? When you don't feel like you are quietly drowning? When you actually start actually feeling again? Dammit. It hurts.

I realize again how I functioned. My friends are amazing. They kept me going and picked my head up when I hadn't been able to sleep in days.  They poured me into and pulled me out of a glass of Scotch when I needed it. When I threw myself into my career they were my cheerleaders. We shot guns, slept on couches, played music, went to California with an achin' in our hearts, watched football, sat together in hospitals, wrote F*ck Cancer in permanent marker on our arms, dropped off supplies on doorsteps, and reminded me that being destructive wasn't my best look.

When I needed someone else to help be positive and support my loved ones in ways I could not they stepped up. EVERY. TIME. I don't have friends who ask me "Is there anything I can doooo?" with that weepy make-themselves-feel-like-they-are-doing-something-by-talking thing. They just do it. I can never thank them enough for the strength and patience they have shown me these last 15 years. Surround yourself with people of good character and you will never feel alone.

In the ensuing years I learned a few things.

• There is so little I understand about the nature of the universe...but I'm listening. 
• They are called miracles because we have to find a way to explain the unquantifiable. Call it whatever you want, I'll take it.
• I am grateful to God for tolerating the incessant singularly focused barrage of my thoughts and questions. I am sure he would enjoy some diversification and I'm looking to get into that now. He may give you what you ask for simply so he can get some new topics to work with. Try it. 
• I am grateful to those of you who have been here for me. Karma is a very real very powerful force and you all certainly have some good things coming your way. This one's for you...

Candy Corn: Old Enough to Buy a Red Corvette

Working Theory

New Candy Corn has not been manufactured since the late 70's. It is simply held in surplus and redistributed on a yearly basis. Currently undergoing appropriation into a variety of uses; including Oreo Stuffing, Martini flavors, and sealing the leaks in the grout of mid 80's tract home bathtubs.

Candy Corn Martini: Contents May Be As Old As You Are

This is the first in a series of postings that will be dedicated to my working theories of the world. Results may vary after intense study and application of empirical data.

So Many Names, There Is Barely Room On the Walls Of The Heart

"So many names, there is barely room on the walls of the heart." 

- Billy Collins, Poet Laureate of the United States of America

His voice was barely audible. If it were not for the microphone stubbornly stuck too high for a man of his diminutive stature he may never have been heard at all. The first few sentences finally floated from the podium over the clink of empty champagne flutes on silver trays. Quiet soaked into the cavernous corners of Manhattan's Cipriani.  

There is a difference in the sound when people speak about that which causes them great grief, and the recognition of that difference gives pause to everything else around it. Grief seeps through an under amplified microphone, through a language barrier, past economic dividing lines, political persuasions, generations and educations. The joys of life are vast and unique. They may be celebrations of birth, life, love, success or hundreds of other causes. Grief is nothing more than one simple catalyst. Loss.

Robert Peraza kneeling before his son's name.

His name is Robert Peraza. He spoke of his son Rob, a handsome 30 year old commodities trader for Cantor Fitzgerald on the 104th floor of the North Tower. Rob's picture fades into a photograph of Robert Sr. that was captured unbeknownst to him when he found his son's name at the memorial.

Through a thick accent heavy with sadness he cried "I LOVE THIS COUNTRY." Then he explained how he left Cuba for the United States and built a quintessentially good American life for his family. But it was so important for him to help us understand that we all as Americans share in his grief and that profound sense of loss that unites us. We may not have directly lost someone we loved on 9/11 but we lost something we loved. Maybe it was security we lost, or the illusion of invincibility, or the knowledge that another person lost their son, daughter, sibling, or spouse. But we all lost that day.

Robert was the first speaker of the evening at the 9/11 Memorial Fund gala I attended on September 4th of 2012. Since I have returned home I haven't fully answered people about what the event was like to attend. I have found it difficult to relate the experience into words that were appropriate for the situations in which they were asked. It is easy to relate the fun parts, which there were many. Conversations and cocktails with celebrities, icons of industries and politicians made for easy fodder to talk around the real reason we all gathered there.

Photo: Susan Geissler | 9/11 Memorial Site

I kept being brought back to the same feeling I had on that morning 11 years ago. I had trouble eating my amazing dinner. I cried more than I wanted to but no more than the strong New Yorkers around me (and a Fort Worthian or two). We left into the night having been united, albeit in collective grief, as Americans ready to rebuild and fight for that which we hold so dear.

On Wednesday morning Amy, a wonderful member of The National September 11 Memorial & Museum at the World Trade Center Foundation, gave us a private tour of the grounds of the memorial and also the impending museum that will be located there. It was raining heavily as we walked out of the family center, and it seemed so fitting to watch the water wash over the names of the lost.

She and I talked about being in New York after 9/11. We both worked in the city and therefore were surrounded by the scores of the walking wounded, the broken-hearted, the fearful, and the brave. She said the thing that struck her most of those moments were "that we started talking to each other again." I saw that too in those times and it has lasted. When the Twin Towers were cracked apart that morning the fabric of American life was torn with it. But we have proven with every hand that etches over a name that we were not irrevocably torn asunder. It is that which continues to give me hope.

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." 

- John Donne

[Special big wonderful thank you to Mr. Jimmy Jenkins for letting me be his guest for this event. Jimmy, you are one of a kind and a dear, dear friend.]

An Open Love Letter to Prince Harry

Dear Prince Harry,

I feel like this is partially my fault. I should have warned you about Vegas. I'm a respectable member of society and there are only three pictures of me in Vegas my publicist will allow me to post. All were taken at breakfast.

Love, Me

P.S. You are now officially my only crush in any of the reigning monarchies. Call me, maybe.

U.S. Olympic Skeet Surfin' Team

Dear International Olympic Committee and Esteemed Members of the Athletic Community: 

If Ping Pong and Curling are Olympic caliber events then I respectfully submit my suggestion for the next best event. That that event is Skeet Surfin'. The East Germans won't stand a chance. 

Why? Because it's totally bitchin', Ridin waves and blasting pigeons. And its neat shootin' skeet when you're ridin' on the heavies all day.

I Wish They All Could Be Double Barrel Girls

I will have no problem fielding a U.S. Dream Team and finding sponsors. Currently thinking that Becker  and Winchester are the natural providers for team apparel and equipment. 

I will be expecting your call.

Sincerely, 

Susan E. Geissler
Captain, Olympic Hopeful, Cheese Eater
U.S. Skeet Surfin' Team

I Don't Drink My Coffee, I Chew It

Some days you wake up early feeling inspired, ready to tackle any challenge that comes before you, knowing that nothing, NOTHING! can stand between you and the best. day. ever. 


...Then there are mornings when you take your freshly ground coffee and dump it directly into the top of the coffee pot forgetting that the filter is still on the counter, hit brew, and don't realize it until you take a big long drink and it appears you have been chewing potting soil. I win at life.

Fahrenheit 6712

One of my favorite authors, Ray Bradbury, has passed away at 91 years old.  I cannot name just one of his works to reference, because there are so many that hold a special bookmark in the chapters of my life preceding today.

I collect passages from other writer's work that inspires me or reflects the state of my existence in that moment. In June of 1999 I was in San Francisco for the first of countless adventures running away to the Northern California coast. I bought a journal at City Lights Bookstore in the North Beach section and started writing down the greatness of others. I had the Martian Chronicles with me on that trip and this passage I cited was the first that came to mind today when I saw he had passed.

"It was like those days when you heard a thunderstorm coming and there was the waiting silence and then the faintest pressure of the atmosphere as the climate blew over the land in shifts and shadows and vapors. And the change pressured at your ears and you were suspended in the waiting time of the coming storm. You began to tremble. The sky was stained and coloured; the clouds were thickened, the mountains took on an iron taint...
 
Somewhere in the house the voice-clock sang, 'Time, time, time, time...' ever so gently, no more than water tapping on velvet." 
-Ray Bradbury "The Martian Chronicles" 

That passage always brought me to think of one of my favorite songs by Tom Waits. It's time, time, time that you love...and it's time, time, time... To whatever plain of existence Ray Bradbury moved to, I hope it was a fantastic/fantastical one.

 

TRUTH

“All your life you have been hearing about how your lives will be changed on this occasion as you enter the real world. I have a news bulletin for you tonight. You’ve already been there. Turns out, junior high was the real world … The same petty jealousies, the insecurities, the snobs, the cliques, the dorks, the egos, the tantrums, and the dopes that you met in junior high, you’re going to encounter for the rest of your lives.”
Tom Brokaw
Excerpted from his Commencement Address to the University of Arizona Class of 2012

Things My Mother Taught Me

Mother's Day 2012

Don't ever be someone's punching bag, doormat, whipping girl, or scapegoat.

Own your own brand of bad behavior.

Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.

When things are really rough you just get up in the morning, put both feet on the floor and start from there.

In a battle for who reigns supreme Prince kicks Michael Jackson's ass every time.

People that love you show it in their actions and not in their words.

Don't be a sissy. Nobody ever said life was going to be easy.

The roadtrip is the best way to get to know the places around you and the people you bring with you.

All summer plans should factor in baseball first.

Being a Chicago Cubs fan tells you a great deal about a person's character.

People who are White Sox fans should be interacted with using extreme caution and possibly a chain for your wallet.

The Little Black Dress is nice, but not nearly as important as the all occasion perfectly tailored Little Black Suit.

Sports cars are perfectly acceptable vehicles to raise children in if you don't have too many children.

Spend your first saved allowance money on Bruce Springsteen's 1975-1985 Box Set because you will love it forever.

Just because someone is family in the biological sense does not mean they have your best interests at heart. Toxic is toxic, even if you look alike.

Men are not the enemy. They are an essential ally. 

Woman's basketball is never going to be your sport. It's time to move on to something you can be successful doing. 

If you are looking for sympathy you can find it between "shit" and "syphilis" in the dictionary.

Pick a man to marry that will be a good dad first and the other parts will fall into place.

Surround yourself with good positive people and your life will be the better for it. Surround yourself with negative people and watch the results.

If it's a matter of owning a TV or having a library in your house go for the library because you can learn virtually anything from sitting down and reading the instructions.

Being a city girl and a country girl at the same time is entirely possible.

Cancer isn't a death sentence, no matter what the doctor says. Make your own reality.

Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone so squeeze as much out of life as possible in whatever amount of time you have on this earth. 

The hardware store and Nordstrom should be visited with equal frequency. Home and personal style are both essential to one's well being.

Never wear your clothes too tight. It instantly makes you look like a hooker.

Breakfast is THE most important and best meal of the day and can be eaten anytime during the 24 hour time period.

It is important to share dinner with your family no matter how important your job or how busy you may get.

Accept what you cannot change.

And most importantly...

You may not have a big family, or any more than two of you left anymore, but home is where you make it. Family is who you surround yourself with. And as The Beatles once said...

 Happy Mother's Day Mom!!!

Honestly?

It's National Honesty Day. In the spirit of that I have a few things I would like to clear up.

1) You are hotter than I have led you to believe.  You are actually disturbingly hot. You are almost so hot you are hard to look at.

2) You thought your dog broke it and I didn't bother to tell you differently.

3) I did make out with your best friend but I had the courtesy to wait 30 minutes after breaking up with you to do it.

4) You own a pair of pants that are so hideous everyone talks about them when you are not around.  When you asked me if I liked them I said they were "fine". No, no they are not. They look like an explosion at a mattress factory.

5) Yes, we never went out again because you didn't pick up the check and you invited me out. Way to go cheapskate.

6) I wasn't too busy to go out. I was too busy to go out with you.

7) Everytime I wore my ex's shirt it was not for sentimental reasons. It was 100% to irritate you because you still wore that stupid tie your ex-girlfriend gave you.

8) Your new haircut looked like you stuck your head in a wood chipper.

9) I didn't tell your wife about seeing you out with that other chick. I anonomously wrote her about it like a descent respectable lady.

10) You are a really, really, REALLY bad kisser.   I'm worried about the quantity of makeup products you have consumed over the years since you apparently like to clean a person's entire face.

11) I only watched Gray's Anatomy, WWE, and The Notebook because it made you happy. Gray's Anatomy sucks donkey balls.

12) When you got dumped I totally thought you deserved it. I also high fived your ex at the bar the same night and gave him my phone number when he asked for it.

13) What has happened to your football team makes me very very happy. Football Karma is a bitch. So am I.

14) You have terrible taste in music. I am starting to believe you actually can't hear sounds like normal people. Whenever you say you have found a great new band I instantly know I'm about to hear what it would sound like if you put a frog in the blender and turned it on high.

15) I'm smarter than you.

16) You are better looking than me.

17) 15 trumps 16 because 16 gets boring and 15 does not. And that is why your boyfriend broke up
with you.

18) The sex dream was not about you. It was about Jason Batemen. I nearly told the truth on that one because it was almost too late to have a cover story for whatever noise you caught me making while I was asleep.

19) I wanted to break-up with you but your seats to the playoffs were just way too good.

20) You are really bad at buying gifts for me. But I thank you anyway because you try so hard that it's the thought really does count.

So that covers it. Slates clean. All identities have been witheld to protect me. Cause it's all about me.

And by the way...those pants really do make your butt look big.

The Greatest Craigslist Ad EVER

Is this the greatest Craigslist ad ever? Yes. Yes It Is. 

 

I Still Lack a Serious Approach to 8th Grade Drama

 

My mom brought over boxes of my stuff that I saved from my childhood and college years. I think this progress report from one of my teachers showed exactly what my adult life was going to be like. 

I Am Capable of Commitment. Just ask the Cubs.

A quick shot with my camera standing outside of
Wrigley in 2007 10 min. after we clinched it.

Any person who has spent more than 20 minutes around me will find out I'm a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. There are a lot of us ex-pats wandering around this nation now. We see each other in airports, bars in Austin, Texas and tiny Southern California beach towns. There's one thing that bands us all together: this is gonna be our year.

We fly across the country to see friends we grew up with to catch a game. We start aruguments or defuse uncomfortable topics by referencing "How Bout Them Cubs?" Some of us may have elected to get divorced on a particularly frustrating day at Wrigley Field when they realized they had nothing in common with their partner (sheepish look).

Lately there have been some pretty amazing media pieces that signify what it's like to love the Cubs. For a girl with commitment issues I have always managed to stand by the Cubs for better or the end of the NLCS, for richer or the Tribune years, on the Injured Reserve and at the Hall of Fame. It's never been an easy relationship and 2003 sent me straight into couselling, but I'm willing to put in the work because 'Someday We'll Go All the Way..."

So here's my favorites in Cubs related media right now. The old standby ones and the new big crushes. 

Cubs Win: So Real, It's Unreal

When I first saw this commercial for the Sony Playstation game "MLB 12: The Show" I didn't know what it was for. By the end I was in tears. When the screenwriter from A League of Their Own said "There's no crying in baseball" this person was clearly not a Cub fan. Certainly not one that lived through 2003 and 1984. Certainly not one whose father, grandfather and great-grandfather passed without ever seeing a Cub World Series victory.

If we ever do win I expect the city to look just like this. Right before the south side sets themselves on fire. Again.

And speaking of the Northside vs. the Southside that brings us to...

Chicago vs. Chicago

As my friend Matt said when he posted this on my Facebook wall "This video contains so many of your favorite things your head might explode".  It has everything. Seriously? The Cubs, mustaches, beer, dark dive bars, baseball arguments with White Sox fans, and a fight over pizza WITH Ron Swanson!?!


And when Ron Ulysses Swanson (ahem, I mean Nick Offerman) informs the Sox fan that "Even our handsome well-coiffed Governor won't sell a seat to the White Sox" my love of him is forever sealed. 

Chicago Cubs: The Heart and Soul of Chicago Trailer

The premise behind this film is the love of the Cubs reflects the city and the people as a whole. I couldn't agree more.
"It seems like in Chicago, no matter what, they always have your back...whether you have won 10 in a row or lost 10 in a row...it goes beyond the city into the texture of family life."

Eddie Vedder "Someday We'll Go All The Way"

Eddie Vedder wrote this song about our beloved Cubs. I think he sums it up well:

...and when the day comes with that last winning run
And I'm crying and covered in beer
I'll look to the sky and know I was right
To think someday we'll go all the way

Believe

It's self-evident.

Go Cubs Go!!!

There You Go, Dressing Your City Up Like a Two Dollar Whore

"...consumerist heaven, design netherworld. The new Marriott sums it up: look-at-me architecture, glitz rather than good taste, and the extinction of the regional differences that gave American cities their special sense of place. Won't somebody move this building to Dallas?" 

- Blair Kamin | Pulitzer Prize winning architecture critic 
Excerpted from: "Why Architecture Matters: Lessons From Chicago"

Last week I was returning home after an evening in Dallas and was visually assaulted by yet another hilarious example of Dallas architecture. For my non-Texan friends, I know you think I live in Dallas. I don't. I live in Fort Worth. Thirty suburban choked miles in between separate cities that could not be more different in attitude and culture.

The Omni Hotel - Dallas, TX
[Photo: Dallas South News]

I worked in uptown Dallas for five years and became accustomed to seeing a new building being erected on a weekly basis. It would then be adorned with something to make it stand out from every other new building, generally utilizing some crazy Vegas style lighting scheme.  The new Omni has taken that look to a whole new level. The entire frame is covered in multi-colored LED lights and looks like someone got drunk, ate a bunch of Skittles, and then barfed on a wall. Even better, this rainbow colored barf changes color and can display logos of various kinds. Yay! Branded Skittle barf! Genius manuver.

According to this NBC 5 article "Dallas Lights: Distraction or Attraction?"  there are certain people in Dallas who think things have gotten a bit out of hand and the lighting is just too much. I, on the other hand, think it is perfect. Dallas needs its own architectural identity. There is an oft used phrase here in Texas that you can "put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig."  Downtown Dallas was ripe for even more lipstick. It was time to add obnoxious, non-sensical usage of color, light, and flash to create attention for a downtown area where absolutely nothing interesting is going on under the hood. Nothing. Downtown Big D is about as exciting underneath the visual glamour as a Community College campus at 11pm on a Monday night.

In its defense Big D's style works for them. You can tell so much about the personal style of the residents of a city by looking at their architectural styles. Maybe it is that we psychologically gravitate toward cities that reflect our personal tastes and ideals. Maybe it is that subsequent design is created to appeal toward the target market in that area. Either way, Dallas fits many Dallasites. You know that super-hot chick with the awesome fake party pontoons, collagen plumped lips, and hair extensions dressed up in a hot pink and purple tube dress? Yes, she is here and you would not think twice seeing her out for the evening. But that same woman walking around in the Pacific Heights district of San Francisco? Foolish. Or a person visiting from the Castro.

Three of the Twenty "Most Eligible Chicago Singles of 2011"
[Photo: Chicago Magazine]

I hail from Chicago, where the thought of outlining one of our tallest buildings in green neon like Dallas would make most of the population feel faint.  We also tend to look like our city and we dress up like it as well. Just a simple scan of Chicago's social scene yields a sea of people coated in cashmere, covered in razor sharp tailored black on black, with vintage diamonds and wristwatches adorning their cocktail laden hands. What Chicagoans are not is flashy and neither is our architecture. The lipstick on our pig is generally more of Bobbi Brown's Rose Brown than MAC's Viva Glam.  The architectural beauty of the city doesn't need neon. It's pleasant and engaging to walk around and be human in that space. When you are in Chicago you have a feel for not just the city itself but for the people that reside within it. I so often hear from people who travel to my hometown how beautiful they find it and how much they love the attitude and culture. Architectural design is no small part of that feeling.  People don't live in Vegas, they visit it. People live in Chicago AND visit it.

The cast of "Most Eligible Dallas"
[Photo: Bravo TV Official Site]

Dallas, on the other hand, tends to be the exact opposite of the great urban spaces of the world and a significant portion of its social scene reflects that. A scan of the Big D social scene yields bright splashes of color on barely there frocks, diamonds the size of small foreign countries, a preponderance of plastic after-market body parts, and the kind of overall look that makes you say "WOW" without even realizing you said it out loud. It's bright, flashy, often very sexy, exciting, and generally is characterized by total sensory overload.

The new Omni, in all of its flash, fits in well with the overabundance of brightly coated things in Dallas. The downside is I hardly ever hear how much people love Dallas, its attitude, or its beauty. Dallas doesn't inspire, even if the buildings are fighting so hard for attention it is like Nikki Minaj was a design consultant. But not everybody wants to be inspired. Some people just like to be entertained, and for that Dallas is winning. Well, Dallas' football team isn't winning, but that is another great example of a building unparallelled in excess and grandeur and nothing inside seems to be working as a cohesive unit.

As for people getting upset about how bright Dallas has become I recommend they do one of two things:

1. Embrace the fact that they have an identity now that doesn't just say "Welcome to Dallas" it SCREAMS it in your face and then punches you in the eyes. Then it tries to hump your leg. Why is it humping your leg? Because the Botox has seeped too far into the frontal cortex and Big D doesn't know why it feels sexy but it does. So sexy! Oops, nip slip. Let's go to VEGAS!!! What's your name again?
   
2. If it's too bright at night for any normal person coming to Dallas to handle and convention tourism dollars are declining then take a page from Fort Worth's book. During the late night the downtown buildings scale back all their lighting to minimal so the residents can sleep. Yes, downtown Fort Worth has residents. Lots of them. They live, work, shop and play without ever moving their cars. I was one. People living in an urban environment? Weird, isn't it?

Facebook Stalker-gories

It seems as if Facebook "upgrades" weekly to something that proves to be more irritating than useful. As a woman who spent her last two relationships with men more irritating than useful I would love to be able to filter out my online social life into some easy-to-follow corralling. Google+ gets it. Too bad nobody actually uses Google+. He's like the nice guy you know you should be dating but keep sticking with the bad boy because he's going to change.

I recently accepted a friend request from one of those "Monday Morning Motivators". MMM's are people that regurgitate cliche advice, always before 10am, to movtivate you. In reality it's probably an attempt to motivate themselves and you are just stuck there as an unwilling accomplice.

While I respect the fact that you want to "Dance like no one is watching" I don't recommend spreading that advice to the Facebook world. I can 95% guarantee that if you walk into your place of business on Monday before 10am and start dancing with abandon it will not be a career enhancing move. The only exception to this rule is if you work at an Interpretive Dance Studio, and even they have rules. If it takes your Facebook post to get me to "Seize the Day" I probably have a job so uncomplicated it will soon be done by robots or a college intern.

So Facebook, let's steal something from Twitter and Google+. There we are able to sort the people we are following into Lists. Practical lists that say "I do want to hear you, just not all of the time" <---Also a good tag line for love relationships on a Monday morning.

Proposed Initial Categories:
1) Monday Morning Motivators who are out there ensuring that today is going to be the best day since the concept of days were invented.

2) Friends from High School who you accepted to find out what they were doing, only to remember you didn't really like them very much.

3) Friends from High School that you didn't like at all back then but for some reason could totally hang around now which makes you both happy and feel very weird about who you have become.

4) People who are so sexually attractive you would show up if they invited you to a dramatic reading of a pamphlet on Fire Safety.

5) People who are so sexually attracted to you they will show up if you host a pamphlet reading.

6) People you dated who now try to use passive agressive tactics via Facebook to make you jealous you left them. You haven't defriended them because that would be admitting it's actually working and you can't handle any more.

7) People you dated that you like to use passive aggressive tactics via Facebook to make them jealous.

8) People who post super cute animal pics. {Note: This category is AWESOME}

9) People who post things that are actually funny. {Note: This category needs more people}

10) People who post everything they do professionally, confusing a personal page with a Fan Page or their work account. It's so much fun going to work with someone ALL DAY LONG.

11) People who use Facebook as their religious pulpit  even when they are not ordained in any organized religion (or even some disorganized ones) outside of the Church of Aberrant Spellers.

12) People who are opposed to almost everything you stand for politically and can be hidden completely during election year.

13) People who agree with you on almost everything you stand for polically and should also be hidden during election year since you will spend all your time defending their honor against the idiots who post on their pages.

14) People you don't actually know In Real Life but wish you did.

15) People you do actually know In Real Life and wish you didn't.

16) People who invite you to every single thing they do via Facebook invite so that your Inbox looks like an event planner had too much Champagne at the pre-party and threw up in there.

17) Last minute dates when people in Category 5 are not available and people from Category 6 will be at the event that people from Category 16 invited you to and announced you are attending.

18) Bipolar Posters who from post to post either love or hate something/someone with so much fervor that you have to check their account every day to know what you can say when you see them in real life.

19) People that are clearly insane and you must keep them on your Facebook to ensure that you will never EVER be in the same place at the same time.

20) People who Check In at places you would never want to go join them, like their bathroom.

21) People who Check you into places without your permission and then have to apologize all night when that creepy guy you have blocked from your personal posts shows up for Happy Hour.

22) People who have children that are so amazing they must be made out of a Super Space Aged Polymer and they aren't even made of little bits of real children at all. 

23) And the most important category...
People who are so important to you in your life that if they do any of the aforementioned 22 things it doesn't matter because you love them so much you would read anything they post. Even posts that make you sick to your stomach, give you a headache, make you cry, make you laugh, or make you shake your head and contemplate day drinking.

For the record, I fall squarely into a few of these as well. But you already know this, don't you?