Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I'd Like A McChystal with Extra Catch-Up Please

"Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off."  - Gen. Colin Powell

So General McChystal talked badly about his boss and his bosses people.  Groundbreaking. 

I cancelled my subscription to Rolling Stone years ago because they represent the bubble headed sector of pop culture that makes a thinking girl squirm, much like anytime Kim Kardashian speaks.  At what point did they think "Hey, we should give Rolling Stone unprecedented access to the commander when he's in the war zone!  Later we can comment on his feelings about Lindsay Lohan and talk Tomahawks!"  I can see Newsweek there.  I can see Time there.  Hell, Playboy makes sense given they still have some of the best writers around and all men can claim temporary titty-insanity. (seriously, I think it's Number 11 in the Bill of Rights)  But Rolling Stone? 

Put me in a room with a reporter during an extremely stressful time in my job. Then give me a boss who has never worked in my field and knows nothing of what I endure to get my job done. I'd probably lob a few shots at him too.  Then later I'd remember someone not in the trenches of the job is listening. 

This country has gotten too sensitive and soft.  Many people believe they are entitled to do anything and no one has the right to criticize their performance.  If someone does criticize their performance then the critic is called on the carpet for what they "said".  But the sensitive one isn't called out for the mediocre performance that caused the critic to make those statements in the first place.

We must stop glossing over mediocrity. It allows everything to continue in precisely the same avenue it was before - mediocre.  This is especially true in the face of war.  A war that is 9 years long and can hardly be described as successful.  To expect soliders in the war zone to not make a critical comment is dangerous.  If they are thinking about the words that are coming out of their mouths then they are not thinking about the more important things, like how to survive and the reasons they are there in the first place.

If the adminstration doesn't want to hear negative comments and take them for the truth they may reveal then the armed forces need to stop letting their soliders be shadowed while on the front lines.  When I worked on intense projects for my company you didn't see me letting the in-house newsletter writer sit around recording  every time I said someone was being an idiot at 3am.  Get real, get a thicker skin, and get over it.

On to more important topics, when is McDonalds going to come out with the McChystal that features extra Catch-Up and comes between two slice of shoe leather?

Friday, June 4, 2010

Directing the Oil Spill Fix: James Cameron vs. Jerry Bruckheimer

James Cameron thinks he can fix this oil spill better than BP.  Hell, I can fix this oil spill better than BP using some boiled ham, Jack Daniels and some twine and have time left over to make us shrimp salad.  Oil covered hermit crabs have better ideas than BP also.  Their only ideas are about money, fake Public Relations Twitter Accounts and "wanting their lives back".  You know who else wants their lives back?  Pelicans, dude.  Pelicans. 

However James Cameron isn't the guy for the job.  Sure, he does have super cool mini submarines and knows where to find the Titanic.  He could use the Titanic to plug the hole, or at least all the VHS copies of Titanic sitting in garages and basements nationwide.  I'm afraid his answer is probably going to involve waiting 10 years until technology catches up with his harebrained scheme.  I'm fundamentally pre-opposing this plan.  I couldn't even make it through Avatar but I'm sure the answer isn't in there.  Plus I don't look good blue and 9 feet tall.

We are calling in the wrong director.  What about Jerry Bruckheimer with Michael Bay?  He will hire Bruce Willis as the Disaster Recovery Specialist for Project P90X. Bruce gets a quirky team of retired astronauts/convicts/fighter pilots/strippers with a heart of gold/sexy scientists/race car drivers/pirates together.  All team members had a difficult childhood or their family was taken by a tribe of worthless thugs.  Their stories will be told when the first slow Diane Warren penned song plays.  This gives them special sensitivity when they go and meet with the real fisherman who did lose their livelihood thanks to a tribe of worthless corporate thugs.

Then? Love Triangles! Hopefully Bruce remembers to hire in sets of three.  While out swimming in inexplicably clear water with each other they see an adorable baby sea otter covered in oil.  He will be brought back to the ship they all live on, nursed back to super cute health, and be spotted rarely until the end of the project when something bad ALMOST happens to him. 

Next?  A kick ass training montage!  A new [insert cheesy currently popular rock band here] song will play over the pull ups.  Then the team inspects tubes of oil in a laboratory so dark and sexy no science could EVER take place in there.  After the montage the group will try their first go at plugging the hole.  The best buddy of Bruce Willis (the funny happy one) will get tragically sucked into the hole and killed.  His oil coated body will float to the surface and Bruce will close his eyes, shout NOOO!!!! and WHHHYYY!!! towards the sky and then he will temporarily quit the team. Soul searching begins for approximately five minutes.

Then there is a big explosion.  Why?  Who knows.  There is always a big explosion.  There are also cars flipping over.  Why? Who knows. There are always cars flipping over.  There are no civilians harmed when the oil rig they are on suddenly comes crashing into town.  Why is the oil rig in town?  Who knows. You see where this 30 minutes of film is going.

Bruce and the team are able to escape the explosions, flipping cars and oil rig riddled city and make it just in time to use one of the astronaut's magic space rocks to plug the hole. How does the magic space rock work you ask?  Who knows.  There's lots of cheering, the stripper and the pirate kiss, Bruce and his arch nemesis race car driver resolve their differences and embrace.

Roll Credits.  Coming soon to a CNN near you: DEEPWATER HORIZON