László Bartók Hops'burg of The House of Geissler: Concerned Citizen
I have a bone to pick with you. Recently you sold my human something with a terrifying nickname of "Weed Wacker". It says "20V Lithium" right on the box. (Yeah mofos, I can READ). Clearly this is code for the first gen of Terminators and you aren't fooling anyone with those stock photography pictures on the box of fancy bathrooms, or "lawns", as you American humans call them.
When my human removed it from its box and placed it near the wall I fear-peed and determined that barking uncontrollably from across the living room for an hour was the only way to communicate we had gone all Defcon 1 up in here. Up in where? UP IN HERE.
Eventually, she deduced it was this unpowered piece of equipment bent for nefarious plots and world domination that was the culprit. After attempting to bring it nearer to me, unsuccessfully, she took it into my private bathroom out back where now it sits up against the fence. Watching. Waiting. Judging.
I want you to know that I will be communicating your role in the Skynet takeover when Weed Wacker Transformer achieves technological singularity and eats Boston. And really, "Black & Decker"? That even sounds like you are bad guys in an cheesy Michael Bay movie. We know how those all end. Love triangles, screaming of NOOOOOO!!! and the best friend side kick dies. No one wants that Black & Decker. NO ONE.
Sincerely,
László Bartók Hops'burg of The House of Geissler
P.S. I'd enclose a photo of me with the black and orange talisman of the end of days, but you aren't getting me within 10 feet of that thing. My human already tried.
------------ UPDATE:
Black & Decker responded to my concerns immediately via Twitter, where I normally just go to read Chicago Bears stats and check out the feeds of the single Lady Vizslas out there. (Bark at me, yo)
I have determined that Black & Decker is not the enemy, and instead wants me to be able to appreciate the benefits of this machine from approximately 10 feet away and ear protected. Plus I look like a stud in black and orange. Good show B&D. Good show.
In news disturbing for healthy red blooded American males today, some chick invented an app called "Lulu" to rate them as harshly as the East German judge used to go after early 80's US Gymnasts. Lulu's purpose is essentiallyto be a Trip Advisor for Tramps, or as it says "Facebook Meets Sex In the City". It finds every male in your Facebook friend list first and pulls their profile pictures. Women answer some questions about the guys they have hooked up with or dated, and then lets them rate his physical and sexual skills. Then it generates a bunch of hashtags about their positive and negative qualities.
I'm really glad men don't have a equivalent of Lulu right now. I can already hear my exes hashtagging away about all those qualities they found less than endearing, or downright infuriating. Susan, Lulu'd, I fear would look something like this:
"Every woman I've dated is crazy. You aren't crazy, are you?" - Pretty Much Every Single Dude I Know
Hey bud, I'm on to you. Unless statistically you are the unluckiest male on earth it's unlikely every woman you date is certifiably nuts. I'm talking boil your bunny, stab you with scissors, drive to Florida in astronaut diapers to kill your other hookup crazy. Unless I can open up the DSM-5 and see a selfie of her next to a list of criteria she meets then I'm not buying it anymore.
They are most likely women you have:
a) driven to act nuts by random acts of ambiguity, douchebaggery, or tomfoolery*
b) labeled as crazy to save face because you weren't her jam, yo, and she broke it off **
c) consistently rewarded their negative behavior with positive reinforcement ***
Survey says, most likely C. How is this your fault, you ask? (It's not because I'm a woman and I think everything is your fault. And stop talking to the screen, it's weird, dude.) Pick up any behavioral psychology text book, crack a tallboy PBR, and read the details of how you are screwing this up for yourself and everyone else. It started right about the time your special lady friend first acted up. It was different, kind of sexy and validating to have a woman not on her best behavior. Inadvertently you begin to egg it on.
I get it, a woman acting crazy is really awesome for your ego at times. All people crave validation of some form or another. The first time she shows up 37 unanswered texts deep on guy's night to be sure you aren't in the mythological "ditch" you secretly love it. It makes you look like you are giving it to her so good she's been rendered insane. No one is giving it to anyone so good they actually develop a mental disorder, except maybe Jon Hamm. But I digress...
Any behavior that yields a positive result (ahem, we ladies lovvvve attention, guilty!) is destined to repeat itself. You don't call her out on the pseudo-stalkage or blow her off for a few days. You go home with her. Months later, when she's all hair, anger and vodka, breaking into your email, and showing up beating on your apartment door at 3am with a broken off stiletto you are mad, bro. But you trained her, bro.
It is perfectly fine for you to find this attractive, but own your role. If you insist on buzzing around pollenating the Venus Fly Trap because it looks good, don't come crying to your stable friends when you get devoured. If you are doing it because you don't want to settle down with someone and want to have an easy rip cord to pull then I get that too. Don't be in a relationship with it. Hit it and don't let her know your full name or where you live before you quit it.
I'm the proud non-owner of a semi-professional team of great guy friends. Friends know you and how it all went sideways. We also see every time you Friendzone Level: 11.5 a stable girl because she isn't as good for your ego. It's a bummer.
Word around the secret girl clubhouse is well adjusted, successful, intelligent women are over being hit on by guys who claim all their exes are crazy. It's serious red flag territory. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies, me more so that most. But a woman who isn't certifiable won't go out with you if that's what you lead with. She's either thinking that you won't like her because she's too busy to hide in your bushes every night, or that you will drive her to being the very person she dreads. If your ex is listed in the DSM V more times than a criminal defense attorney in the Yellow Pages then just hold off for a bit divulging this info.
Hopefully this PSA will yield positive results because I really want my guy friends to meet nice, normal women to put up with their tomfoolery*. Seriously, y'all are drinking me out of beer and home over here. And no, you can't have another. It's one PBR per therapy session.
Love you, mean it.
S
[Stay tuned for my next rant/pet peeve/PSA entitled "Women, quit letting men turn you into crazy ass bitches"]
* Yeah, I'm bringing it back.
** The reason behind the only man who has ever referred to me as crazy
*** I think things in sets of three, so You're Once, Tice, Fee Times a Mady
I'm a BIG fan of New Year's Resolutions and I'm coming off year 5 of always achieving my goals. So here goes 2014's in no particular order of importance. May it lead me to greater personal growth as both a professional and a woman.
Build my fine art collection.
It's time to treat myself and finally get that Fathead wall sticker of Burt Reynolds on a bear skin rug.
Refuse to go out with any man younger than the oldest scotch in my home. Sorry 21 year old Austinite nicknamed "Blackjack" on New Year's Eve. You are simply charming to offer to pour pure Deep Eddy vodka from your table bottle service directly down our throat and skip the glass entirely. But the house always wins. Now scamper away. Don't you have a unsolicited Snap Chat dick pic to send out or something?
Travel
Travel only in the State of Texas. Tell everyone how excited I am for my 6 day, 7 night adventure vacation at the Hampton Inn of Amarillo, TX. Must purchase a Texas flag bikini the size of a postage stamp to lay by the pool in and tell the other patrons that I couldn't leave Texas because I only travel domestically. Claim to be suffering from #TexAgoraphobia, the fear of leaving the State of Texas.
Philanthropic Events
Coming off a year of wild success throwing legitimate philanthropic events I vow to only accept for profit events that benefit things like a jersey & tiny shorts sponsorship drive for my impending Powder Puff Football league.
Emotional Development
To ensure I do not fully descend into madness I vow to make the great Jay Cutler my Emotional Sherpa this year. Every time things start sliding downhill I will develop a debilitating issue like a hangnail or Taco Tuesday, put myself on the Injured Reserve list, and think about my hair. Even though I'm secretly dying inside I will emulate my new Emotional Sherpa, throw back my head and exclaim...DONNNN'T CARE.
Photography
Take ONLY selfies and refuse to be in any pictures that include other humans. Book gallery space for next January 1st and call the exhibition Photographic Masturbation: A Retrospective. Then encourage all my friends to wander around carrying Champagne and gasp things like "Simply Seminal!" "Brilliant Juxtaposition of the Artificial and Organic!" "Dangerously Curvaceous!" "It's a Brave Confessional Reminiscent of the Deconstruction of Human Beauty in Ivan Albright's early works." and "That Bitch Can Really Use a iPhone Filter.". First one to sell a 24x17 wins being my plus one for Save the Squirrels or whatever philanthropy requires the least emotional investment for me but has open bar.
I have determined that Black & Decker is not the enemy, and instead wants me to be able to appreciate the benefits of this machine from approximately 10 feet away and ear protected. Plus I look like a stud in black and orange. Good show B&D. Good show.
