Burt Reynolds, Texagoraphobia & New Year's Resolutions

I'm a BIG fan of New Year's Resolutions and I'm coming off year 5 of always achieving my goals. So here goes 2014's in no particular order of importance. May it lead me to greater personal growth as both a professional and a woman.

Build my fine art collection.

It's time to treat myself and finally get that Fathead wall sticker of Burt Reynolds on a bear skin rug. 

Refuse to go out with any man younger than the oldest scotch in my home. Sorry 21 year old Austinite nicknamed "Blackjack" on New Year's Eve. You are simply charming to offer to pour pure Deep Eddy vodka from your table bottle service directly down our throat and skip the glass entirely. But the house always wins. Now scamper away. Don't you have a unsolicited Snap Chat dick pic to send out or something? 

Travel

Travel only in the State of Texas. Tell everyone how excited I am for my 6 day, 7 night adventure vacation at the Hampton Inn of Amarillo, TX. Must purchase a Texas flag bikini the size of a postage stamp to lay by the pool in and tell the other patrons that I couldn't leave Texas because I only travel domestically. Claim to be suffering from #TexAgoraphobia, the fear of leaving the State of Texas. 

Philanthropic Events

Coming off a year of wild success throwing legitimate philanthropic events I vow to only accept for profit events that benefit things like a jersey & tiny shorts sponsorship drive for my impending Powder Puff Football league. 

Emotional Development

To ensure I do not fully descend into madness I vow to make the great Jay Cutler my Emotional Sherpa this year. Every time things start sliding downhill I will develop a debilitating issue like a hangnail or Taco Tuesday, put myself on the Injured Reserve list, and think about my hair. Even though I'm secretly dying inside I will emulate my new Emotional Sherpa, throw back my head and exclaim...DONNNN'T CARE.

Photography

Take ONLY selfies and refuse to be in any pictures that include other humans. Book gallery space for next January 1st and call the exhibition Photographic Masturbation: A Retrospective. Then encourage all my friends to wander around carrying Champagne and gasp things like "Simply Seminal!" "Brilliant Juxtaposition of the Artificial and Organic!" "Dangerously Curvaceous!" "It's a Brave Confessional Reminiscent of the Deconstruction of Human Beauty in Ivan Albright's early works." and "That Bitch Can Really Use a iPhone Filter.". First one to sell a 24x17 wins being my plus one for Save the Squirrels or whatever philanthropy requires the least emotional investment for me but has open bar.

2014 is gonna be MAD REALZ. Peace Out, Bros