Dear Men, it's mostly your fault women in your life are crazy #PetPeeveDay

Red Flags Unfurled

"Every woman I've dated is crazy. You aren't crazy, are you?" 
- Pretty Much Every Single Dude I Know

Hey bud, I'm on to you. Unless statistically you are the unluckiest male on earth it's unlikely every woman you date is certifiably nuts. I'm talking boil your bunny, stab you with scissors, drive to Florida in astronaut diapers to kill your other hookup crazy. Unless I can open up the DSM-5 and see a selfie of her next to a list of criteria she meets then I'm not buying it anymore.

They are most likely women you have:

a) driven to act nuts by random acts of ambiguity, douchebaggery, or tomfoolery*
b) labeled as crazy to save face because you weren't her jam, yo, and she broke it off **
c) consistently rewarded their negative behavior with positive reinforcement ***

Survey says, most likely C. How is this your fault, you ask? (It's not because I'm a woman and I think everything is your fault. And stop talking to the screen, it's weird, dude.) Pick up any behavioral psychology text book, crack a tallboy PBR, and read the details of how you are screwing this up for yourself and everyone else. It started right about the time your special lady friend first acted up. It was different, kind of sexy and validating to have a woman not on her best behavior. Inadvertently you begin to egg it on.

I get it, a woman acting crazy is really awesome for your ego at times. All people crave validation of some form or another. The first time she shows up 37 unanswered texts deep on guy's night to be sure you aren't in the mythological "ditch" you secretly love it. It makes you look like you are giving it to her so good she's been rendered insane. No one is giving it to anyone so good they actually develop a mental disorder, except maybe Jon Hamm. But I digress...

Any behavior that yields a positive result (ahem, we ladies lovvvve attention, guilty!) is destined to repeat itself. You don't call her out on the pseudo-stalkage or blow her off for a few days. You go home with her. Months later, when she's all hair, anger and vodka, breaking into your email, and showing up beating on your apartment door at 3am with a broken off stiletto you are mad, bro. But you trained her, bro.

It is perfectly fine for you to find this attractive, but own your role. If you insist on buzzing around pollenating the Venus Fly Trap because it looks good, don't come crying to your stable friends when you get devoured. If you are doing it because you don't want to settle down with someone and want to have an easy rip cord to pull then I get that too. Don't be in a relationship with it. Hit it and don't let her know your full name or where you live before you quit it.

I'm the proud non-owner of a semi-professional team of great guy friends. Friends know you and how it all went sideways. We also see every time you Friendzone Level: 11.5 a stable girl because she isn't as good for your ego. It's a bummer.

Word around the secret girl clubhouse is well adjusted, successful, intelligent women are over being hit on by guys who claim all their exes are crazy. It's serious red flag territory. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies, me more so that most. But a woman who isn't certifiable won't go out with you if that's what you lead with. She's either thinking that you won't like her because she's too busy to hide in your bushes every night, or that you will drive her to being the very person she dreads. If your ex is listed in the DSM V more times than a criminal defense attorney in the Yellow Pages then just hold off for a bit divulging this info.

Hopefully this PSA will yield positive results because I really want my guy friends to meet nice, normal women to put up with their tomfoolery*. Seriously, y'all are drinking me out of beer and home over here. And no, you can't have another. It's one PBR per therapy session. 

Love you, mean it.

S

[Stay tuned for my next rant/pet peeve/PSA entitled "Women, quit letting men turn you into crazy ass bitches"]

* Yeah, I'm bringing it back.

** The reason behind the only man who has ever referred to me as crazy

*** I think things in sets of three, so You're Once, Tice, Fee Times a Mady