For heaven's sake, who does a gal have to go out with to see a guy shoot another guy in the face around here?
Take tonight for example. I know it's mostly my fault because I selected Zero Dark Thirty, thinking that the mildly sociopathic title would ensure we would see an emotion free onslaught of carnage. Not so. It turns out the plot of Zero Dark Thirty revolves around a single red head with crazy eyes. She gets obsessed with tracking down a guy who will do virtually anything to avoid her finding him. And OF COURSE she's a "CIA Operative". Yeah right, like they let women have that job.
The dude needs some space and moves in with his bros in a house out in the desert to get some me time. She can't rest until she catches him. [Insert longing looks, tears, and stress drinking at work here during their separation] They both lead parallel lives until one of his bros borrows the car and causes a whole lot of problems. Hijinks ensues but in the end, she finally gets her man...in bed. It's not like I was paying very close attention to most of this. I was checking my Pinterest Boards on my phone looking for new ways to incorporate gun racks into the laundry room at the house. I'm pretty sure I nailed the high points of the plot though.
I'm sure you are wondering if there was male nudity? Yes. Not the kind I was especially excited about but it was there. I'm not 100% sure. This is when I went for Raisinettes. I'm also confused since this rom-com had hyped up the scenes involving "water boarding" and I didn't see one single hottie in a wet suit or carrying anything that looked like it was ready to tackle the waves. Point Break II this is not, and he really was an F.B.I. Agent.
Last weekend was rom-com-tastic with Jack Reacher. The plot was so my life in my early twenties. An blonde chick with a good job falls for a misunderstood unemployed bad boy drifter guy with a questionable past. He's also shorter than her, has lifts in his shoes, fights with guys in bars, and drives a cool car (that he stole of course). But under that tough exterior he's really Grant Theft Auto with a Heart of Gold. She puts herself into Damsel in Distress mode to test his devotion and he shows up as planned. But her level of maintenance causes him to head off into the sunset until Jack Reacher II: Romancing the Sig Sauer. I swear I paid attention to 65% of this movie except for the parts where I stepped out to call my bookie mid movie and pull a Pete Rose. What's pulling a Pete Rose you ask? If you have to ask then it's not for you.
Male Nudity? Yes, Topless Cruise...which might be referring to the actor shirtless or one of the many reasons I have yet to think going on a cruise is a good idea.
Shortly before Jack Reacher was Skyfall. From all I can glean this movie was about a "secret agent" guy passing the time hooking up in boat showers with random chicks he meets while gambling. (I'm on a boat!) This is all a way to pass the time so he can get his cougar boss lady M out to his country estate. It ends in a church with him holding her...so predictable. This one gets extra points since the improbably blonde Javier Bardem also tries to hook up with him because Daniel Craig is such a fine piece of man meat not even the dudes are immune. This movie I am sure I got the full effect because I distinctly heard over my texting an Adele song and you know that's a guaranteed clue that somebody is getting or will get their heart broken within five minutes.
Male Nudity? Not enough. But they had British accents and given the sliding scale of stuffiness they were shockingly nude for most of the film.
I think I'm going to have to simply request that the next film I go to with the guys must include gun violence, obsession, stalking, paranormal activity, James Garner trying to run down Gena Rowlands with his car, and late night threatening phone calls. Seriously, this movie in the trailer below looks scary as hell. It's also been a while since I saw Les Mis in the theater but I recall that everyone dies in that one. Like everyone. Even their pets and possibly random members of the orchestra on a good night. That seems more my speed.
Love & Rockets,
Susie G.
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