Honestly?

It's National Honesty Day. In the spirit of that I have a few things I would like to clear up.

1) You are hotter than I have led you to believe.  You are actually disturbingly hot. You are almost so hot you are hard to look at.

2) You thought your dog broke it and I didn't bother to tell you differently.

3) I did make out with your best friend but I had the courtesy to wait 30 minutes after breaking up with you to do it.

4) You own a pair of pants that are so hideous everyone talks about them when you are not around.  When you asked me if I liked them I said they were "fine". No, no they are not. They look like an explosion at a mattress factory.

5) Yes, we never went out again because you didn't pick up the check and you invited me out. Way to go cheapskate.

6) I wasn't too busy to go out. I was too busy to go out with you.

7) Everytime I wore my ex's shirt it was not for sentimental reasons. It was 100% to irritate you because you still wore that stupid tie your ex-girlfriend gave you.

8) Your new haircut looked like you stuck your head in a wood chipper.

9) I didn't tell your wife about seeing you out with that other chick. I anonomously wrote her about it like a descent respectable lady.

10) You are a really, really, REALLY bad kisser.   I'm worried about the quantity of makeup products you have consumed over the years since you apparently like to clean a person's entire face.

11) I only watched Gray's Anatomy, WWE, and The Notebook because it made you happy. Gray's Anatomy sucks donkey balls.

12) When you got dumped I totally thought you deserved it. I also high fived your ex at the bar the same night and gave him my phone number when he asked for it.

13) What has happened to your football team makes me very very happy. Football Karma is a bitch. So am I.

14) You have terrible taste in music. I am starting to believe you actually can't hear sounds like normal people. Whenever you say you have found a great new band I instantly know I'm about to hear what it would sound like if you put a frog in the blender and turned it on high.

15) I'm smarter than you.

16) You are better looking than me.

17) 15 trumps 16 because 16 gets boring and 15 does not. And that is why your boyfriend broke up
with you.

18) The sex dream was not about you. It was about Jason Batemen. I nearly told the truth on that one because it was almost too late to have a cover story for whatever noise you caught me making while I was asleep.

19) I wanted to break-up with you but your seats to the playoffs were just way too good.

20) You are really bad at buying gifts for me. But I thank you anyway because you try so hard that it's the thought really does count.

So that covers it. Slates clean. All identities have been witheld to protect me. Cause it's all about me.

And by the way...those pants really do make your butt look big.