Eeyoring: It's Like Having a Man Period, Bro

Because when I make memes they require long explanations...

Eeyoring: What Is It? Is It Dangerous? Does it Hurt? Is it Machine Washable? 

*Eeyoring (verb): 

1. The attitude and behavior of a man who gets their feelings hurt via some unperceived slight and proceeds to mope about but not acknowledge or confront the situation. 
2. Characterized by being gloomy, dejected, cranky, appearing uninterested, wounded, and being an all-around whiny twit for a short period of time. 
3. Dry clean only, because everybody's all frickin' sensitive up in here.

The Zen's Den Research Institute on Male Behavior & Cookie Combine (Geissler, 2013) pg. 23 

In Real Life, North of Blogland, I have a preponderance of male friends. The male to female ratio sits at about 10:1 and I prefer it that way. I do have a couple very close women friends who aren't the type that try to sleep with the guy they know you are crushing on, compliment you when look like a Pelican nested in your hair, and convince you that telling your boss he's an idiot will be a way to "open lines of communication." I appreciate them beyond measure. The rest of the women are just buds and I don't trust any of them as far as I can toss a grand piano. This is not a story about either set of my chick friends. This is about the dudes; the great loves and best buds. 

The Fastest Ego Bruiser in the West

When I'm banging up some poor man's ego it's almost always unintentional. I do something I think is of little consequence. Maybe I mentioned that his best friend's new haircut makes him look like a young Jon Hamm and he remembers I'm obsessed with Jon Hamm and ignored everything he was trying to tell me. Possibly I thought I texted him about dinner with the group but I was infected by my Forgot to Hit Send finger affliction. Most likely he thinks I blew him off to pal around with another elk and he's got his antlers in a bunch. 

Any of these things on their own may not normally bother him, but couple this with work or life stress and it's a recipe for Stage IV Eeyoring.

How Do I Know When We Are At Stage IV Eeyoring? 

Regardless of intent you are about to head on a week long reconnaissance mission to Suckistan. Just like Eeyore, the "Don't Mind Me, Nobody Else Does"attitude is everywhere. 

Suddenly the normally hilarious, funny, adorable dude is distant, He texts so infrequently compared to normal you fear he's now Buster Bluth with a hook for a hand and cannot hit the screen. When he does drop over to Suckistan for a chat he casually mentions fun he had without you, at your favorite place, with other people. If you physically meet up in the hallway of Castle Suckistan he walks around like he's kicking rocks until he realizes he's being watched. You mention what a Spadoinkle Day it is outside and he does not respond with the traditional "My Heart's As Full As A Baked Potato!" which is kinda your thing. Instead he will take that time to point out the waitress at the Breastarauntaplex he had lunch at is smoking hot and gave him her number, she reminds him of your best girl friend that he wishes were single, and how wiped he is from totally shredding his pecs all week. 

How Do You Take Eeyore and Turn Him Back to Tigger?

I don't have a frickin' clue what to do when men start Eeyoring all over the place. I know what I do. I ignore him, but that's what I do with everything. Oh, so you were hoping for answers? Yeah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura Berman, or Dr. Oz I'm not. Dr. Frankensteeeeennn maybe. But take heart, if you can see the signs of Eeyoring maybe it will irritate you far less. On the plus side you will have far more time that week to hang out with whomever is currently Tiggering. 

*Note: I generally loathe any situation in which people define a word for their audience in both speeches and writing. You are either insulting someone's intelligence or going for amateur hour. However this word I made up. As a matter of courtesy I define it since those of you that can read my mind number in the 1's and it's creepy when he does it. 

Fax Like a Champion Today

It's National Signing Day which means I sit around half working and half watching awkward interviews with barely intelligible new college football recruits. (I'm looking at you marble mouth Robert Nkemdiche)

I took some very good advice from one of my right hand men on paying much attention to this process before today, considering the notoriously flakey decision making skills of the standard recruit.

"I learned not to base my emotions on the whims of 17 year old high schoolers." 
- Jordan Ditty

Advice such as this can work on a variety of levels, not just college football. Speaking of 17 year old things being used to make decisions, how are we still using fax machines for the National Signing Day process? Yes, fax machines.

Here is your free productivity consulting advice from me for the year. Take $75 out of your wining, dining, recruits 69ing budget and buy a combo copier, scanner and printer. Treat yourself and buy a backup toner for next year. It will save you the trip. You're welcome NCAA.

Until then, FAX Like a Champion Today. 

Why the Real House Wives of Beverly Hills Are Good For Your Butt

The Herve Leger Red Bandage Dress
Which Will Be Mine By My Birthday

I'm coming clean. This is my love letter to The Real Housewives of Where-the-Hell-Ever. I'm so grateful for them and the entire host of women on the Bravo network that are plumped up, sucked out, tucked in, tightened and 75% composed out of a surgeon injectable super-space-age polymer.

A year ago I would have preferred listening to Yoko Ono's rendition of Gangnam Style than watch this crap. [Note, I have seen her "performance art exhibit" in the linked video above. It's at the Modern Museum of Art in New York. At the last second I elected to not jump off the third floor balcony thanks to Yoko, or as I call it, pulling a McCartney.]

My disturbing fascination with all things plastic started around November. My friend Lauren loves The RH and she elected to skip a football party with single men to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. That concept blew my mind but I make it a rule to not mock something unless I've tried it myself. I've done it with a variety of things yielding mixed results; Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, James Patterson novels, Days of Our Lives, jam band shows, and government cheese. I DVR'd a couple of RH of Beverly Hills episodes and figured they were perfect to kill some time on my treadmill. 

After the first two episodes I was sold. There is nothing better to motivate you to continue to work your butt off on the treadmill than watching women who clearly have had butt lifts and butt implants. I don't respond well to positive reinforcment in fitness. Having some chick on the screen saying "You are doing great!" when I know she can't see me does nothing. However seeing some total nutjob that is all long flowing hair and screaming poured into a Herve Leger bandage dress does. 

I found myself cuing up RH Beverly Hills and then Miami. With replays and reruns that took up a few nights per week. Then Vanderpump Rules thankfully came along to fit the coveted "Crap I Wish I Was At Happy Hour Instead" spot. Lastly The Millionaire Matchmaker finished out my workout week by providing an angry single Jewish woman to berate chicks to either get hot or they will never find love with men who have jobs. Put it all together and there was no WAY I was getting off that treadmill or stop lifting before the Hour of Disempowerment was up.

Women are competitive creatures. It's the biological imperative. Do I find it supremely irritating that these women live lavish lifestyles with fabulously wealthy husbands, wear killer clothes and only have two brain cells fighting each other out for space? Yes. Do I want their wardrobes and their abs? Yes. Heck, I can confidently say I'd take their wardrobes and abs, cut out the drama completely since I'm pretty level headed, be successful in my own right and continue to live a very happy life.  It wouldn't make for good TV but it's good for my cholesterol. 

So keep on looking fabulous you crazy cotton candy headed pleasure palaces in Christian Louboutins. You were clearly built for the entertainment of others and I, for one, applaud you with 12 reps at a 10 lb weight. 

Well She Sure Ain't No Leaf Blower

Looking to set some goals and get some outdoor work done today? Let me presumptuously recommend the Susie Geissler approach: 

1) Take out lawn cart and swear all the way across the lawn because it's colder than you thought.

2) Place one dead item in cart and start thinking about tacos. Why tacos? WHY NOT TACOS.

3) Feel a sense of accomplishment for one dead item placed so exquisitely in cart but realize there has to be a tool that does this for you.

4) Go inside and reward yourself for hard work by making a nice freshly ground cup of French Roast. Go the extra mile and froth the whipped cream with a bit of raspberry because, let's face it, you've earned it.

5) Go back outside and find the Fed Ex man left the new guest bed frame on the porch but did not have the courtesy to place a dead item in the cart for you. Fed Ex men are selfish.

6) Sit down and contemplate who you will ask for help assembling said bed frame. Most likely the one who got a power drill for Christmas. You know who you are.

7) Place an additional dead item in lawn cart, swear across the lawn as you put cart away and...

8) Call it a day.

My Top 100 Favorite Books - In No Particular Order

In the fifteen places I have lived in the last nineteen years of my life these are the books I have lovingly packed from house to house.  They have been read facing the very mountain range Steinbeck was describing in the town where he grew up, on the floor of a completely empty Atlanta airport at 3am, on a depressing roadtrip using Sedaris to combat an otherwise miserable drive with miserable people, in times of love Neruda and in times of heartbreak Ovid or Cohen.  

While I have read the majority of what most consider classics this is not that list, though there are a few in here. They are not in order of importance or genre, or alphabetical. Maybe you will enjoy some of them as well. They are all linked to their Goodread's Information Page. If you would like to follow me on Goodread's my page is here: Susan Geissler On Goodreads

1. The Night Circus - Erin Morganstern
2. Jitterbug Perfume - Tom Robbins
3. Stranger Music: Selected Poems & Songs - Leonard Cohen
4. Winter's Tale - Mark Helprin
5. The Book of Illusions - Paul Auster
6. The Secret History - Donna Tartt 
7. The Natural - Bernard Malamud
8. Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
9. Birds of America - Lorrie Moore
10. The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
11. Bust: The Guide To the New Girl Order - Debbie Stoller
12. The Ground Beneath Her Feet - Salman Rushdie
13. The Collected Poems - W.B. Yeats 
14. The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
15. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby 
16. Less Than Zero - Bret Easton Ellis
17. East of Eden - John Steinbeck 
18. The Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood
19. An American Journey - Colin Powell 
20. Catcher in the Wry - Bob Uecker 
21. The Shipping News - E. Annie Proulx
22. Empire Falls - Richard Russo
23. Bel Canto - Ann Patchett 
24. The World According To Garp - John Irving
25. Phantom of the Opera - Gaston Laroux
26. The Risk Pool - Richard Russo
27. Lady Chatterly's Lover - D.H. Lawrence
28. Ball Four - Jim Bouton 
29. This Side of Paradise - F. Scott Fitzgerald
30. Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
31. The Martian Chronicles - Ray Bradbury 
32. On the Road - Jack Kerouac
33. The Sociopath Next Door - Martha Stout, ph.d.
34. Drinking, Smoking & Screwing: Great Writers on Good Times - Various Authors
35. Blonde - Joyce Carol Oates
36. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail - Cheryl Strayed
37. The Pacific and Other Stories - Mark Helprin
38. The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
39. The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
40. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
41. The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein
42. 11/22/63 - Stephen King
43. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
44. Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
45. The Road - Cormac McCarthy
46. Lullaby - Chuck Palaniuk 
47. Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling
48. The Hitchkiders Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
49. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens 
50. Glamourama - Bret Easton Ellis
51. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand
52. Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen
53. Friday Night Lights - H.G. Bissinger
54. The Tender Bar - J.R. Moehringer
55. Selected Poems - Pablo Neruda 
56. The Ice Storm - Rick Moody
57. V for Vendetta - Alan Moore
58. Dry - Augusten Burroughs
59. American Gods - Neil Gaiman
60. The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion
61. Wicked - Gregory Maguire
62. 1 Dead in Attic - Chris Rose
63. Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris
64. Carter Beats the Devil - Glen David Gold
65. Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
66. Choke - Chuck Palaniuk 
67. House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
68. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
69. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil - John Berendt
70. Persuasion - Jane Austen
71. The Girl's Guide to Hunting & Fishing - Melissa Bank
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker 
73. Blankets - Craig Thompson
74. A Place of Execution - Val McDermid
75. The Postman Always Rings Twice - James M. Cain
76. The Hours - Michael Cunningham
77. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
78. The Curious Incidence of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
79. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
80. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
81. Cat's Eye - Margaret Atwood
82. Delta of Venus - Anais Nin
83. The Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
84. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn
85. The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success - Deepak Chopra
86. The English Patient - Michael Ondaatje
87. Where the Sidewalk Ends - Shel Silverstein
88. The Devil In the White City - Erik Larson
89. One Day - David Nicolls
90. Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
91. Thus Spoke Zarathustra - Friedrich Nietzsche
92. The Virgin Suicides - Jeffery Eugenides 
93. A Streetcar Named Desire - Tennessee Williams
94. The Color Purple - Alice Walker 
95. It - Stephen King
96. Happy Birthday To You! - Dr. Seuss
97. Generation X - Douglas Coupland
98. Love Poems, Letters, and Remedies of OVID - Ovid
99. The Night Listener - Armistead Maupin
100. Why Architecture Matters: Lessons in Chicago - Blair Kamin

Rockford Icehogs Yard Sale the Hell Out of that Rink

Oh Rockford, Illinois. The town I spent 2 years of marital misery in and most of my life living near. FINALLY you do something interesting.  In this situation it is a bench clearing hockey brawl that results in 230 penalty minutes and 13 player ejections.

Every time you think they are done fighting in this video another player launches a piece of equipment. It looks like a yard sale out there. Good show Rockford IceHogs! Descend into the last rung of chaos before the whole town disintegrates. 

CBS Chicago - Rockford Icehogs Ignite Bench Clearing Brawl

Butterscotch Pudding & Tebowing Out Your Face

Just a few thoughts barely related to actual football on this playoff evening:

I once wished for a situation where I could watch Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh face off in athletic competition. I hope this one also includes butterscotch pudding like that weird dream I once had during a nap.

If Ray Lewis celebrates winning the Super Bowl by getting all stabby it should be interesting to see what he does if they win the Super Bowl. ...lock up yo' children...lock up yo' wives...

What is the real reason Bill Belichick cuts the sleeves off his sweatshirts? Will his wrists overheat and cause his robotics to malfunction?

How many times today when y'all watched Jim Harbaugh did you lip-read him saying "I WANT CAKE NOW!"

The official Aerosmith "Anthem" is terrible and I think that could be .002% of their problem. I've heard more anthemic things out of Death Cab for Cutie.

Ray Lewis gets the bad overacting award for whatever-that-was during the National Anthem. I think he was Tebowing out his face.

Tom Brady...you have always represented to me the Law of Diminishing Returns. This applies to both his attractiveness and prowess on the field.

Fake an Orgasm? He Faked An Entire Relationship Once

The big news in college football this week is Manti T'eo, linebacker for my own Notre Dame Fighting Irish, had a fake girlfriend who fake died.  Everyone seems very shocked by this information. I am shocked they are shocked.

The majority of society believes sports figures and celebrities are smarter, more experienced, and better equipped than normal folk to navigate this strange interconnected world. In reality sports figures and celebrities often operate life in a vacuum, sheltered from the very experiences that teach common sense.  Sports figures in particular are surrounded by their teammates, coaching staff, and a few exclusive people deemed appropriate by the handlers. All these circumstances collide to make a guy like T'eo a perfect mark for deception.

So you are Manti T'eo, 20 years old, isolated from meaningful connection outside of your sport, come from the Mormon religion, under extreme personal pressure to physically perform at a National Championship level and make your way into the NFL. You grew up in a era where people all over the world can talk to you without having to physically be in your presence. When the stress gets too great and you find a willing ear to listen it's so easy to slide down that slippery path of believing a real connection has been fostered without an actual physical meeting.

T'eo's Mormon upbringing could certainly explain the very thing we struggle with the most on this story. How could he have a girlfriend he had never been in a physical situation with? The Mormon faith puts one thing under the sin of murder and that is violating The Law Of Chastity. To him it is highly likely that there could have been a perceived deep spiritual connection between two people that did not require a physical exchange to make her his definition of a "girlfriend". He simply needed to exchange highly personal conversations and declarations of love. To those of us outside those religious  lines it seems ridiculous. To him, maybe not so.

He is not the only one to have been allegedly duped into relationships such as this. In fact, he comes from a long line of distinguished suckers.

[ ******************** SPOILER ALERT - If you intend on reading Armistead Maupin's "The Night Listener", and I highly recommend you do, then stop reading now. I'm about to give away some major plot points.]

One of my favorite books is Armistead Maupin's "The Night Listener". The Night Listener is a roman à clef for an experience the famed and beloved San Francisco author went through in his own life. He and many other respected members of the literary community were duped into believing the "true" life story of a young boy horribly abused as a child and dying of AIDS.  This ruse lasted 6 YEARS. The entire truth is stranger than the fictionalized account can be read here: The Bizarre True Story Behind the Plot of 'The Night Listener'  In the article we also read where Rosie O'Donnell confessed to having been duped by a 13 year old girl that was really a grown woman, comics being scammed by a woman using a child with an illness, and other cases.

Where it would be quick to blame the Internet for allowing such non-relationships to get built this type of situation goes back before the World Wide Hookup Web. Then there was the story of "Miranda" (See Miranda - The Woman Who Fooled Hollywood's Leading Men). I caught a fascinating 48 Hours on this story last year. Over the phone a woman claiming to be a beautiful blonde woman named Miranda captured the hearts and deepest secrets of men like Robert DeNiro, Eric Clapton, Peter Gabriel, Ted Kennedy, Rush Limbaugh and Bono. Billy Joel believed so strongly in "Miranda" that he called her his muse and played pieces of Uptown Girl as they were created onto her message machine tape. How in the world could this woman, who turned out to be neither young, or attractive, or rich, or anything she claimed to be, gain access to these celebrities? She prayed on the feelings of isolation and intense insecurity that come along with fame. In Miranda's case she actually did these men no harm at all. She merely "listened", but to them the relationship with her was as real as if she stood in their living rooms.

Manti T'eo could simply join Armistead Maupin, Billy Joel and many other famous people that have been fooled into believing the lie. As normal people we believe the lie all the time also. Especially in this world where we don't interact with people in the physical space as often as we do through the technological one. In my younger years I had some odd experiences where I received emails and had conversations with people who were not the person I actually knew. It's so easy for a woman to jump on the Facebook account of a man who logged in using her computer and start fishing around his personal connections.  It instilled mistrust and fear into me and I look to all associations with a very wary eye.

It's easy for people to mistake a connection via technology to be equal to one created in the online sphere. I have a guy friend who lived for over a year with a girl he met via playing World of Warcraft. She was certifiably crazy and he eventually got rid of her, but that wasn't evident in their online relationship life. Was this guy a huge nerd who couldn't get girls in the real world? Not even close. Probably one of the most awesome and attractive guy friends I have.

Maybe T'eo knew. Maybe his handlers figured it out a long time ago and decided it wasn't a good idea to announce their player was an idiot during a Heisman Campaign. In the end it doesn't really matter. He's humiliated either way. The people that perpetrated these scams are awful human beings. Most important is the lesson that we must be more vigilant in the people and connections we have in our lives, online and offline.

Less Rom-Com More Bomb-Com

Dear Men in My Life,

For heaven's sake, who does a gal have to go out with to see a guy shoot another guy in the face around here?

Take tonight for example. I know it's mostly my fault because I selected Zero Dark Thirty, thinking that the mildly sociopathic title would ensure we would see an emotion free onslaught of carnage. Not so. It turns out the plot of Zero Dark Thirty revolves around a single red head with crazy eyes. She  gets obsessed with tracking down a guy who will do virtually anything to avoid her finding him. And OF COURSE she's a "CIA Operative". Yeah right, like they let women have that job.

The dude needs some space and moves in with his bros in a house out in the desert to get some me time.  She can't rest until she catches him. [Insert longing looks, tears, and stress drinking at work here during their separation]  They both lead parallel lives until one of his bros borrows the car and causes a whole lot of problems. Hijinks ensues but in the end, she finally gets her man...in bed.  It's not like I was paying very close attention to most of this. I was checking my Pinterest Boards on my phone looking for new ways to incorporate gun racks into the laundry room at the house. I'm pretty sure I nailed the high points of the plot though.

I'm sure you are wondering if there was male nudity? Yes. Not the kind I was especially excited about but it was there. I'm not 100% sure. This is when I went for Raisinettes. I'm also confused since this rom-com had hyped up the scenes involving "water boarding" and I didn't see one single hottie in a wet suit or carrying anything that looked like it was ready to tackle the waves. Point Break II this is not, and he really was an F.B.I. Agent.

Last weekend was rom-com-tastic with Jack Reacher. The plot was so my life in my early twenties. An blonde chick with a good job falls for a misunderstood unemployed bad boy drifter guy with a questionable past. He's also shorter than her, has lifts in his shoes, fights with guys in bars, and drives a cool car (that he stole of course). But under that tough exterior he's really Grant Theft Auto with a Heart of Gold. She puts herself into Damsel in Distress mode to test his devotion and he shows up as planned. But her level of maintenance causes him to head off into the sunset until Jack Reacher II: Romancing the Sig Sauer.  I swear I paid attention to 65% of this movie except for the parts where I stepped out to call my bookie mid movie and pull a Pete Rose. What's pulling a Pete Rose you ask? If you have to ask then it's not for you.

Male Nudity? Yes, Topless Cruise...which might be referring to the actor shirtless or one of the many reasons I have yet to think going on a cruise is a good idea.

Shortly before Jack Reacher was Skyfall. From all I can glean this movie was about a "secret agent" guy passing the time hooking up in boat showers with random chicks he meets while gambling. (I'm on a boat!) This is all a way to pass the time so he can get his cougar boss lady M out to his country estate. It ends in a church with him holding her...so predictable. This one gets extra points since the improbably blonde Javier Bardem also tries to hook up with him because Daniel Craig is such a fine piece of man meat not even the dudes are immune.  This movie I am sure I got the full effect because I distinctly heard over my texting an Adele song and you know that's a guaranteed clue that somebody is getting or will get their heart broken within five minutes.

Male Nudity? Not enough. But they had British accents and given the sliding scale of stuffiness they were shockingly nude for most of the film.

I think I'm going to have to simply request that the next film I go to with the guys must include gun violence, obsession, stalking, paranormal activity, James Garner trying to run down Gena Rowlands with his car, and late night threatening phone calls. Seriously, this movie in the trailer below looks scary as hell. It's also been a while since I saw Les Mis in the theater but I recall that everyone dies in that one. Like everyone. Even their pets and possibly random members of the orchestra on a good night. That seems more my speed.

Love & Rockets,
Susie G.

Reading Books Adored By People I Adore

Breakfast of Champions III - January 2013 | Susan Geissler

One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2013 was to Read Books Adored By People I Adore. I talked in a previous blog post (Crowdsourcing Your Friends About Books) how this list evolved. The full list is included in the post and I removed all the works I previously read except for two that need revisiting (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes). 

Thank you to all my friends who helped put this list together for me via Facebook, text message, phone call, slips of paper, napkins, the back of your business card, mailing me the book, slipping the book into my home undetected, physically hitting me in the forehead with the book after you had too many cocktails, informing me that the main character is a total disaster and you suspected I wrote the book under a pseudonym, or that this may be the book to help me make sense of senseless things that have happened in life thus far.

I will think of each of you as I read all 52 of them, one for each week of 2013. And if you are looking for inspiration from me, here are my 100 favorite books ever: Susie's Top 100

1. Breakfast of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut*
2. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Kahled Hosseini 
3. The Devil of Nanking - Mo Hayder
4. Armed to the Teeth With Lipstick - Blag Dalia
5. The End of Your Life Bookclub - Will Schwalbe*
6. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig
7. John Dies At the End - David Wong*
8. Assholes (a theory) - James Aaron
9. Kiss Me Judas - Will Christopher Baer
10. Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis
11. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle*
12. Life on Planet Rock: From Guns n' Roses to Nirvana, a Backstage Journey Through Rocks Most Debauched Decade - Lonn Friend
13. Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie Is Not the Answer - Jen Lancaster
14. The Contortionist's Handbook - Craig Clevenger 
15. Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers 
16. Same Kind of Different As Me - Ron Hall
17. 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami
18. You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death and Other Humiliations - Michael Ian Black
19. The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail - But Some Don't - Nate Silver
20. Guilty Pleasures - Laurell K. Hamilton*
21. The Gunslinger (The Dark Tower #1) - Stephen King*
22. Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness
23. The Color of Magic - Terry Pratchett*
24. The Memoirs of Cleopatra - Margaret George
25. Triggerfish Twist - Tim Dorsey
26. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller*
27. Assassination Nation - Sarah Vowell
28. Cheat: A Man's Guide To Infidelity - Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Joe DeRosa
29. Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott
30. A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin*
31. The Demolished Man - Alfred Bester*
32. Definitive H.P. Lovecraft - H.P. Lovecraft*
33. The Prince of Tides - Pat Conroy
34. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Woolf
35. Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman*
36. A Perfect Day for Bananafish - J.D. Salinger
37. Women - Charles Bukowski
38. World War Z - Max Brooks*
39. Confessions of an Economic Hit Man - John Perkins 
40. Amazing Things Will Happen - C.C. Chapman
41. Lit: A Memoir - Mary Karr
42. The Lightning Thief - Rick Riorden*
43. Middlesex - Jeffery Eugenides*
44. Outlander (Outlander #1) - Diana Gabaldon
45. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver*
46. We Were Soldiers Once...and Young - Harold Moore
47. Storm Front - Jim Butcher*
48. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho*
49. Ellen Foster - Kaye Gibbons
50. Towing Jehovah - James K. Morrow  
51. The Places In Between - Rory Stewart
52. The Art of Happiness - The Dalai Lama XIV*

* Denotes books I already own. 

Breakfast of Champions I - January 2013

Crowdsourcing Your Friends About Books

Every year I determine my goals for the New Year. About five years ago I stopped doing traditional resolutions STOP EATING! STOP SITTING! STOP FUN! and started doing things that improved my relationships with friends, family, or the world around me. 

This year one of my resolutions will be to Read Books Adored by People I Adore. In the past I've read through a large amount of the books traditionally listed in the Best of... collections. I've found some beautiful work but so often I have found it more enjoyable to read things that my friends love and will want to talk about. You discover a lot about people from reading things they enjoy. 

I will upload my goal list and also a list of the books that I would recommend to my friends tomorrow. The ones I've never stopped quoting or have left my head and heart. 

To get ideas for my final list (to be released soon) I crowdsourced my friends for ideas. Many of these books will not go on the 2013 list because I've already read them but I have new topics to discuss next time we see each other. I included their full suggestions below with their names in parenthetical in case you would like to try some new books as well. I am again reminded how lucky I have to have such intelligent company that surrounds me. 

These are their answers to the question:
"There are no rules to genre, theme, length, topic, appropriateness, maturity level or public perception. So I want to know...what are the books you can't imagine having not read. What are your favorites of all time? What were the game changers? I'd love some suggestions as I make my list."

1. Assholes (a theory) - James Aaron (Lizzie Maldonado)
2. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Kahled Hosseini (Jordan Ditty, Maria Cupp)
3. Bird by Bird - Anne Lamott (Lizzie Maldonado)
4. The Hunter - Richard Stark (Britt Schramm)
5. Life on Planet Rock - Lonn Friend (Britt Schramm)
6. Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie Is Not the Answer - Jen Lancaster (Melinda Massie)
7. Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers (Melissa Ward Brock, Alyson Tidwell)
8. Same Kind of Different Than Me - (Melissa Ward Brock)
9. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell (Librado Lopez)
10. 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami (Librado Lopez) 
11. The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail - But Some Don't - Nate Silver (Jacob Siler)
12. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott (Kristina Hernandez) 
13. Guilty Pleasures - Laurell K. Hamilton (Kristina Hernandez)
14. The Dark Tower - Stephen King (Blake Northern, Cameron Lowry, Kelli Harrington)
15. Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness (Kelli Harrington)
16. The Shining - Stephen King (Katie Grimes, David Michaels) 
17. The David Sedaris Collection (Katie Grimes, Tom Harrington)
18. Black Coffee Blues - Henry Rollins (Katie Grimes)
19. Small Gods - Terry Pratchett (Randi Edwards)
20. Night Watch - Terry Pratchett (Randi Edwards)
21. The Memoirs of Cleopatra - Margaret George (Randi Edwards)
22. Triggerfish Twist - Tim Dorsey (Randi Edwards)
23. A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson (Randi Edwards)
24. Candide - Voltaire (Randi Edwards)
25. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley (Randi Edwards)
26. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson (Randi Edwards)
27. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (Jody Arbuckle Ulich)
28. Assassination Nation - Sarah Vowell (Jessica Hoover)
29. Cheat: A Man's Guide To Infidelity - Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Joe DeRosa (Chris Guilloton)
30. The Botany of Desire - Michael Pollan (Jessica Hoover)
31. A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving (Mike Springer)
32. Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry (Mike Springer)
33. The Night Trilogy - Elie Wiesel (Mike Springer)
34. Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, A Man Who Would Cure The World (Mike Springer)
35. Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott (Mike Springer)
36. The Education of Little Tree - Forrest Carter (Mike Springer)
37. The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic and Madness In the Fair that Changed America - Erik Larson (Mike Springer, Rich Nazarro, Alyson Tidwell)
38. The Big Rich: The Rise and Fall of the Greatest Texas Oil Fortunes - Bryan Burroughs (Mike Springer)
39. The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein (Mike Springer, Dr. David Rocks)
40. A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin (Lauren Martin) 
41. Bitter Is the New Black - Jen Lancaster (Lauren Martin)
42. The 5 People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Ablom (Debbie Thomas) 
43. Mysteries of Pittsburgh - Michael Chabon (Mary Wiernicki) 
44. The Prince of Tides - Pat Conroy (Mary Wiernicki)
45. The Brothers Karamazov - Leo Tolstoy - (David Michaels)
46. The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand (David Michaels)
47. Naked Lunch - William S. Burroughs (David Michaels)
48. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Woolf (David Michaels)
49. A Perfect Day for Bananafish - J.D. Salinger (David Michaels)
50. Women - Charles Bukowski (David Michaels)
51. World War Z - Max Brooks (David Michaels)
52. Confessions of an Economic Hit Man - John Perkins (Brad Sims)
53. Redneck Manifesto: How Hillbillies, Hicks, and White Trash Have Become America's Scapegoats - Jim Goad (Brad Sims)
54. Dry - Augusten Burroughs (Ana Sanchez-Morales)
55. The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love - Jill Conner Browne (Ana Sanchez-Morales) 
56. Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone To Action - Simon Sinek (Simon Salt)
57. Amazing Things Will Happen - C.C. Chapman (Simon Salt)
58. The Lightning Thief - Rick Riorden (Jay DiBenedetto)
59. The Sun Also Rises - Rick Riorden (Jay DiBenedetto)
60. The Vonnegut Collection (David Michaels, Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
61. Darkness at Noon - Arthur Koestler (Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
62. Middlesex - Jeffery Eugenides (Emerson Ailidh Boggs) 
63. Dogs of Babel - Carolyn Parkhurst (Emerson Ailidh Boggs)
64. Chariots of the Gods - Erich von Daniken (Lucas Parks)
65. Mark of the Lion Series - Francine Rivers (Alyson Tidwell)
66. Armed to the Teeth With Lipstick - Blag Dalia (Dan Winemiller)
67. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig (Charles Soule)
68. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
69. Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
70. The Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon (Kalen Craig Ruiz)
71. Prodigal Summer - Barbara Kingsolver (Maria Cupp)
72. The Princess Bride - William Goldman (Cameron Lowry)
73. We Were Soldiers Once...and Young - Harold Moore (Cameron Lowry)
74. The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog - John Erikson (Cameron Lowry)
75. The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher (Kathy Bugajsky)
76. The End of Your Life Bookclub - Will Schwalbe (Kathy Bugajsky)
77. Devil of Nanking - Mo Hayder (Caroline Guttery)
78. Wind Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami (Caroline Guttery)
79. Everything is Illuminated - Jonathan Safran Foer (Caroline Guttery)
80. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho (Caroline Guttery) 
81. Ellen Foster - Kaye Gibbons (Caroline Guttery) 
82. The Secret History - Donna Tartt (Caroline Guttery) 
83. Fool - Christopher Moore (Pete Rearden) 
84. The Godhead Trilogy - James K. Morrow (Pete Rearden)  
85. The Places In Between - Rory Stewart (Pete Rearden) 

I Was Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift makes me want to melt things. In the age of digital music most of the pyromanical fun involved in melting CD's is gone so now I try to nuke her music with my mind. It's not working. If her song comes on as I'm driving I actively take my eyes off the road to stab at any button that makes it stop. This is the danger in allowing just anything to be played on Sirus' The Blend station. It isn't texting while driving. It's far more dangerous. 

I thought it was an innocent dislike of her mediocre musical abilities. She can barely carry a tune live in a rhinestone glitter encrusted bucket but it's passable, not detestable, and vastly better than Britney Spears. Tons of popular musicians suck and they don't make me want to Call the Suicide Hotline, Maybe. I also thought it may involve her pre-teen "DeaR DiaRy I ToTeS woRe pLaiD today! OMG!" writing style. It's no secret that women who insist on talking in letters and sound like a child make me want to slam my forehead into the table. If you have seen one Taylor interview she falls squarely into that category. 

I recently told a friend who loves T.S. I cracked her modus operandi for songwriting:  

1) Get a boyfriend. A totally hot boyfriend. The boyfriend your girlfriends want to get with. You are not actually all that attracted to him and would rather be home nerding out with the shy guy but you will put this out of your mind because there is work to do. 

2) Put on red lip stick, a dress, some Keds to make yourself look like a 15 year old playing dress up, and do up that curly blonde hair. Then walk all around vacation towns holding hands and standing on decks of ships looking like a Ralph Lauren ad together. Be sure to attend fabulous parties and have everyone say how adorable you are as a couple.  

3) Fall in fake love until precisely the time where it is about to round second base, require a commitment, and PANIC. 

4) Do something random, mildly crazy, and unverifiable so you have to break up.

5) Feel relief but recognize the immediate need to dispel all public knowledge that it was totally your fault in the first place. 

6) Commence Operation: "It's Not Me It's Him"

7) Get out the diary and use it to complete Mad Libs in Love while sitting at the piano.

8) Piece together the results of the diary and Mad Libs in Love into song lyrics that dispel all personal blame. Then distribute it in all appropriate media channels.

9) Meet a new guy while sitting around in coffee shops looking super fabulous and mildly damsel in distress-y. 

10) Rinse. Repeat.

Susan's Ex-Husband "Chicago Ken". All 6' Eleventy".
Comes complete with appropriate glassware and suits. 

So here's the thing...that 10 step process of Taylor Swift? It's essentially the 10 step dating process of moi from the ages of 16-25. No wonder I don't like her. I wouldn't have liked me either at that age. 

At Taylor Swift's age I was kind of a jerk to men but you never would have heard me admit it. I think I figured that since I wasn't sleeping with them that I could keep at least a six-pack around waiting in the wings to take me out if my #1 choice was busy. I did have one serious boyfriend in college (He reads this blog. Dear, this doesn't apply to us, but you already know that.)  Other than him I followed the 10 step plan effectively.

What ended my reign of terror? I got married. One man managed to settle me down using a combination of witchcraft and my complete inability to pay attention to anything after my father passed away.  He also walked me around vacation towns holding hands looking like a Ralph Lauren ad. This will happen to Taylor Swift eventually. And when it ends in divorce she will enter a new stage of life; making snarky comments on the Internet.  I have a feeling that portion of Taylor Swift's catalogue may be something I can get behind.

Lest We Forget...

In dark times when even the sages are uncertain, declarations of love always do. 
- Stephen King 11/22/63

SKYNET Says: 404 Date Not Found

I was Brunching As a Sport on Sunday with my girlfriend who recently signed up for the internet dating service OKCupid. She was relating the difficulty of putting together a profile that conveyed who she was without making her seem like she does nothing but read. Considering she is one fine piece of lady hotness I can see where she would get a lot of responses even if she suggested that she hadn't left the house in two years and enjoyed knitting tiny sweaters for stray birds.

I realized at this juncture in life I would be terrible at filling out any questionaire about what kind of man would be a good partner for me. I took a sampling of a few questions people are required to answer via either Match.com, e-Harmony, or Plenty of Fish. I think after this it's clear that I'm not cut out for Internet Dating anymore.

Welcome to our community! 
Let's address your usage of "community". Communities are places people want to stay. Everyone in your community is hoping to get out. It's like North Korea. Everybody knows they have to be there and pretend they love it but all they want to do is escape with a partner before getting murdered or disappearing.

What brings you here today?
I was about three deep into the Cabernet and a Terminator marathon when I thought "Love is really important. I think I will hand over the responsibility for a lifetime of my happiness to a machine."

What is your greatest fear?
SKYNET

Which ethnicity best describes you?
I would like to believe it is the Eskimo. They have so many words for snow I figure they could come up with some good adjectives to describe me as well.

Where should we search?
You are the internet. Shouldn't you be searching everywhere through those series of tubes? If I wanted to narrow it down I'd just meet people the old fashioned way. Drunk. In a bar. 

What do you like in a man?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. Wait. What was the question again?

What best describes your body type?
All evidence in the previous question to the contrary, as bodies go I like em' alive. If you are interested in the opposite of alive I think that's a totally different site. I'd recommend checking out some German dating sites first. They seem to be into some weird stuff over there.

What kinds of books do you enjoy reading? 
I read the kinds of books that other people say "That made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. In fact, it actually made me very uncomfortable about you since you recommended it."

What are your Exercise Habits?
I spend a minimum of 30 min 5 times per week rushing to judgement and jumping to conclusions. I've recently added making mountains out of molehills for some cross training.

The perfect date?
A darkly lit steakhouse, some Manhattans, and then hanging out on the couch listening to the duration of Led Zeppelin IV on vinyl.

Whose couch?
Who cares? You really seem to ask a lot of personal questions.  I thought you were supposed to be fixing me up, not trying to date me SKYNET.

What is vinyl? 
I'm too old for this place.

Favorite Hot Spots
Dimly lit cocktail lounges where it is perfectly acceptable to call me Doll Face. Section 136 of Solider Field in late October or anywhere in the Wrigley bleachers in May. The area directly in front of the grill when you are cooking dinner. My side of your vehicle. The seat you now occupy at brunch with our friends. The space between the cooler and the pool deck before you hand me a drink. That place where you put your sentimental stuff. The spot between your arm and your shoulder where my head rests during Sunday afternoon naps. The back of your neck right after you get a fresh haircut.

Does He Drink?
If you are dating me you are probably going to need it or be driven to it.

What's Your Sign?

About My Date:
Height?
We are currently not interviewing for anyone classified as "man starter kit" in the height department. You also need to be tall enough to reach the top shelf of the paper products aisle at Target. I conduct open auditions for this feature at random in large retail locations throughout the metroplex.

Have kids?
Your mentally challenged and emotionally crippled buddy who is always borrowing money counts as a kid and needs to be disclosed along with any biological children you may have fathered. 

The one thing I am most passionate about in my partner:
Honestly, obviously. Kindness, obviously. But I'd like to see a solid commitment to a collegiate or professional sports team that includes the dry years. If you can stay behind your team on a 1-15 season you probably will have my back each time I have The Bronchitis.

One of my best life-skills is:
Being so good at sarcasm that people often think I'm incredibly dumb. Also wearing really shorts skirts and a looooooooong jacket. 

Black Christmas Trees for Shiny Happy People

Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room

It was Black. Black like 75% of my dresses. Black like my favorite Gucci platform pumps. Black like my favorite Metallica album. It was a Christmas Tree and I was obsessed.

While I loved the color I couldn't justify spending $250 at mega-store-a-plex-o-rama for this anemic version when I had a perfectly good looking tree at home. I went on Pinterest, home of my favorite "Wow, That's Really Weird and I'm Super Proud Of You Sister" home decor pics. Black Christmas Tree inspiration was in short supply. There were two pictures that did not look like I play The Cure 24/7, my love for Letters To Elise not withstanding. 

I polled my friends for feedback. Usually when I share my ideas for decorating something they look at me with a combination of worry and confusion. This was the case on this round as well. 

Sparkly Mantles are Happy Mantels 

I think they suspected that I'd devolved into *THAT* Christmas a few years back. The one where I had on near constant rotation Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas, Joni Mitchell's River, and Brandi Carlile's The Heartache Can Wait.  Yeah, I was a bit cheerful.  Someday, when we are older, I'll tell you about when my now ex-husband refused to come get me from O'Hare on Dec. 23rd because I was unable to control the airlines. And my mom drove 2 1/2 hours and found me crying in a Chicago bus station with a bag of gifts for his family and a heart that had finally shrunk to two sizes too small. Maybe when we are older.  But not now. 

Now is great. Now is happy, merry, and bright. It's already been a blessed season. It is way more Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town this year for this house and that's the way I like it.  The tree turned out exactly as I wanted it, very shiny and the light refracts off it it so much more than when it was matte green. I made it myself with the 3 P's: Paint, Prosecco, & Patience.  So I've included the DIY directions below.

My Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room

Merry Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years! 

----------------------------------------------

Do It Yourself Black Christmas Tree Directions by Susie E. Geissler
Note: There are other ways to achieve this but they are ill advised

1 fake christmas tree of any color, shape, size or country of origin

7-10 Cans of Rustoleum Gloss Black Spray Paint depending on tree size

3 cans of Rustoleum Universal Metallic Spray Paint in Silver Nickel (to "Flock" the tree for color highlight) 

Rubber Gloves you don't intend on using to do dishes or to cut jalapenos again

1 bottle of Champagne, Prosecco or Cava

Orange Sherbet

My recipe for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (sold separately) 

1. Open a bottle of Prosecco and put a spoonful of Orange Sherbet in the flute. Consume. Follow up with application of Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie. 

2. Find a well-ventilated space outdoors or a low-ventilated space indoors if you want to see dragons.

3. Put on rubber gloves in as creepy a manner as humanly possible. Bonus points if you can give weird looks at your neighbors and then quickly close your gate so they can't see what you are doing.

4. Set the tree up as normal and start spraying the Glossy Black Rustoleum from the inside of the tree out.  Spray under and over the branches one at a time at a distance of about 10 in. 

5. If you are losing feeling in your index finger take a drink of Prosecco and you won't care anymore. 

6. Spray the whole tree with the black and let dry for a few hours until it's not tacky anymore. Do not wait until you aren't tacky anymore because that could take a while depending on who you are. I'm lookin' at you Honey Boo Boo. 

7. You still can't feel your index finger? Quit whining sissy. You will get feeling back in about a week. 

8. Once dry take the Rustoleum Metallic Spray in Silver Nickel and "flock" the outside of the tree branches, concentrating the spray on the tips to reflect the light. Be proud of yourself because even the store bought black trees do not have this feature and you are now an Artist. 

8.5 Pronounce it Ar-TEEST, not Ar-TEST unless you like to beat up fans at NBA games.

9. Let the tree dry until you think it's done, wrap your arms around it and carry it into your house, and then realize the tree wasn't actually dry but after all that Prosecco who cares. 

10. Decorate accordingly. Avoid all usage of gold ornamentation unless you are a big fan of the New Orleans Saints. 

11. Rinse. Repeat.

Design Note: My home is a combination of Aubergine, Pewter Cast, Silver, Peppercorn, Dusty Grape, Tuxedo Black, and White so it seemed I could easily pull off a black tree without making it look like a big ol' bummer. [Note: For my remaining male readers my house is Purple, Black, and Gray. Gift accordingly.]

Red Beans & Rice Time, Fo Sho

Dirty Coast Shirt - Believe in the Trinity

Somehow I always seem to end up around Louisiana people. Maybe it's leftovers from part of my mom's family marrying one of those crazy french named people and moving off to Baton Rouge. Maybe it's the transplants who ended up in the north just long enough to teach me how a cook a few things like their families used to do it. Either way I appreciate the lifestyle and the food. With plenty of cocktails around, plenty of family and friends clogging up the kitchen, and plenty of food on the table.

My first real meal in the kitchen of my new house was Red Beans & Rice. I had been craving it since I had a terrible bland version of it at Pappadeaux recently. I think their recipe was 1) make white rice 2) open can of red beans 3) dump beans into rice and stir. It was depressing.

So here's the recipe I use that I told my childhood friend Emily I would give her. The recipe has lasted a generation or so with only slight variations to accessibility in certain regions. So hopefully you enjoy and tell your mama n' dem I said hello. 

* Note: This includes the same amount of heat as the original version I learned and how I like to eat it...and I like HOT food. Please, if you have a palate that needs less heat, do a Yankee Adjustment and half the cayenne. You can always add more in if you need it. 

Red Beans & Rice

Not a great pic from my kitchen,
but you get the idea.

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

1 cup chopped onions

1/2 cup chopped celery 

1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper

sea salt 

freshly ground black pepper

1/2 tsp cayenne pepper* 

1tsp dried thyme

4 fresh bay leaves

1 lb boiled ham cut into small cubes (Tasso ham if you can find it. If not then go for a good quality ham  that is not flavored)

2 links of Andouille Sausage cut into cubes/slices (if you cannot find Andouille, use a classic smoked sausage of high quality)

1 lb bag of red beans, soaked, rinsed and picked over (you can use canned but the flavor isn't as good)

3 tbsp fresh minced garlic

water

steamed rice (I like Texmati long-grain made with butter and a pinch of salt) 

1) In a heavy coated dutch oven heat the oil over medium heat.  Saute the onions, celery and green pepper together for 2 minutes. Then add the salt, pepper, cayenne* and thyme and saute for around 5 minutes. 

2) Add the bay leaves, ham, and sausage to the pot and saute for another 5 minutes. 

3) Add the beans and garlic to the pot and then add water enough to cover over the top of the ingredients. Bring the pot to a boil. 

4) Reduce heat to medium-low, leave uncovered, and simmer for 2-3 hours. Stir the pot occasionally and ensure that the contents remain moist in the pot and slightly soupy. If the water cooks down too far add more to prevent dryness. 

5) As the beans become soft after a few hours use a wooden spoon to mash half the mixture up against the sides of the pot. Continue to cook for another 1-2 hours until the mixture becomes creamy in consistency.  [I like mine together to have the consistency of risotto but you can leave it a bit more soupy if you please. Just not too watery or thin. - S]

6) Remove bay leaves.

7) Serve ladled over steamed rice with french bread.

Cancer - It's Not Just Our Astrological Sign

I'm tired. In fact I am exhausted. Maybe I didn't realize it until this morning, after the good news we never thought we would get. On my standard morning commute post a morning of no hot water in the shower, Starbucks getting my order wrong, traffic and totally normal living stuff I finally realized I was wiped out for a totally different reason.  And I should be the opposite. What the hell was wrong with me?

Summer 2011 back in Illinois

Two years ago, the week before Christmas, I was told I had about 6 months left with my mother.  The cancer she fought off when I was 16 was inexplicably back with a vengeance. Yesterday we found out that she was having her status changed from "Terminal" into "Remission". A thing they never really do in the medical establishment. Once it metastasized into her hip, she was a "get your affairs in order" goner. And now...a survivor. Why did I feel so overwhelmed? Why did I not know what to say to my happy friends last night? Why wasn't I screaming from the rafters now that I got everything I had spent all my breaths asking God for over the last few years? Why did I feel sad and guilty that not everyone gets this break? Why did I want to do nothing but cry? Not just sort of cry, but uncontrollable crying. The kind that not even Christian Dior's Waterproof Black Out Mascara can handle so it heads to the safety of the corners of my face.

Then it occurred to me what might be the problem. When you love people who are sick, or you lose people who are sick, it fundamentally changes the fabric of everything in your life. Small ordinary moments take on a gravity that is hard to describe. You don't plan for Thanksgiving. You plan for your last Thanksgiving with that person. Every conversation could be the last. Every phone call could be the same call you got when your dad was dead. And Steve was dead. If I had known it would be the last time I would have paid so much more attention. And because you can't possibly live with thinking that way on a daily basis without going mad with pressure you find a thousand coping strategies to survive.

There was a part I never talked about that made it the most difficult for me. It wasn't the being alone part. I'm not alone. I have an amazing family of friends that love me and care for me. It was the feeling I couldn't shake that it was my job to be the one that took care of the end, swept the floors, and shut off the lights for that which I love.

The last 15 years of my life has been concerned, in one way or another, with finding out how to live around cancer while it tried to take everything I loved from me. I am an only child and lost my father to cancer in my early twenties. I buried one of my closest friends last year. I have friends who are currently fighting for their lives. I wasn't ready to be an orphan or say goodbye to anyone else but I had been preparing myself for it for so long. What do you do when you don't need to live that way anymore? When you don't feel like you are quietly drowning? When you actually start actually feeling again? Dammit. It hurts.

I realize again how I functioned. My friends are amazing. They kept me going and picked my head up when I hadn't been able to sleep in days.  They poured me into and pulled me out of a glass of Scotch when I needed it. When I threw myself into my career they were my cheerleaders. We shot guns, slept on couches, played music, went to California with an achin' in our hearts, watched football, sat together in hospitals, wrote F*ck Cancer in permanent marker on our arms, dropped off supplies on doorsteps, and reminded me that being destructive wasn't my best look.

When I needed someone else to help be positive and support my loved ones in ways I could not they stepped up. EVERY. TIME. I don't have friends who ask me "Is there anything I can doooo?" with that weepy make-themselves-feel-like-they-are-doing-something-by-talking thing. They just do it. I can never thank them enough for the strength and patience they have shown me these last 15 years. Surround yourself with people of good character and you will never feel alone.

In the ensuing years I learned a few things.

• There is so little I understand about the nature of the universe...but I'm listening. 
• They are called miracles because we have to find a way to explain the unquantifiable. Call it whatever you want, I'll take it.
• I am grateful to God for tolerating the incessant singularly focused barrage of my thoughts and questions. I am sure he would enjoy some diversification and I'm looking to get into that now. He may give you what you ask for simply so he can get some new topics to work with. Try it. 
• I am grateful to those of you who have been here for me. Karma is a very real very powerful force and you all certainly have some good things coming your way. This one's for you...