Black & Decker: I Know You Are Up To No Good

Dear Black & Decker,

László Bartók Hops'burg of The House of Geissler: Concerned Citizen

I have a bone to pick with you. Recently you sold my human something with a terrifying nickname of "Weed Wacker". It says "20V Lithium" right on the box. (Yeah mofos, I can READ). Clearly this is code for the first gen of Terminators and you aren't fooling anyone with those stock photography pictures on the box of fancy bathrooms, or "lawns", as you American humans call them.

When my human removed it from its box and placed it near the wall I fear-peed and determined that barking uncontrollably from across the living room for an hour was the only way to communicate we had gone all Defcon 1 up in here. Up in where? UP IN HERE.

Eventually, she deduced it was this unpowered piece of equipment bent for nefarious plots and world domination that was the culprit. After attempting to bring it nearer to me, unsuccessfully, she took it into my private bathroom out back where now it sits up against the fence. Watching. Waiting. Judging.

I want you to know that I will be communicating your role in the Skynet takeover when Weed Wacker Transformer achieves technological singularity and eats Boston. And really, "Black & Decker"? That even sounds like you are bad guys in an cheesy Michael Bay movie. We know how those all end. Love triangles, screaming of NOOOOOO!!! and the best friend side kick dies. No one wants that Black & Decker. NO ONE.

Sincerely,
László Bartók Hops'burg of The House of Geissler

P.S. I'd enclose a photo of me with the black and orange talisman of the end of days, but you aren't getting me within 10 feet of that thing. My human already tried.

------------
UPDATE:
Black & Decker responded to my concerns immediately via Twitter, where I normally just go to read Chicago Bears stats and check out the feeds of the single Lady Vizslas out there. (Bark at me, yo)

I have determined that Black & Decker is not the enemy, and instead wants me to be able to appreciate the benefits of this machine from approximately 10 feet away and ear protected. Plus I look like a stud in black and orange. Good show B&D. Good show.

Well She Sure Ain't No Leaf Blower

Looking to set some goals and get some outdoor work done today? Let me presumptuously recommend the Susie Geissler approach: 

1) Take out lawn cart and swear all the way across the lawn because it's colder than you thought.

2) Place one dead item in cart and start thinking about tacos. Why tacos? WHY NOT TACOS.

3) Feel a sense of accomplishment for one dead item placed so exquisitely in cart but realize there has to be a tool that does this for you.

4) Go inside and reward yourself for hard work by making a nice freshly ground cup of French Roast. Go the extra mile and froth the whipped cream with a bit of raspberry because, let's face it, you've earned it.

5) Go back outside and find the Fed Ex man left the new guest bed frame on the porch but did not have the courtesy to place a dead item in the cart for you. Fed Ex men are selfish.

6) Sit down and contemplate who you will ask for help assembling said bed frame. Most likely the one who got a power drill for Christmas. You know who you are.

7) Place an additional dead item in lawn cart, swear across the lawn as you put cart away and...

8) Call it a day.