Thursday, February 21, 2013

Eeyoring: It's Like Having a Man Period, Bro


Susan Geissler
Because when I make memes they require long explanations...
Eeyoring: What Is It? Is It Dangerous? Does it Hurt? Is it Machine Washable? 

*Eeyoring (verb)
  1. The attitude and behavior of a man who gets their feelings hurt via some unperceived slight and proceeds to mope about but not acknowledge or confront the situation. 
  2. Characterized by being gloomy, dejected, cranky, appearing uninterested, wounded, and being an all-around whiny twit for a short period of time. 
  3. Dry clean only, because everybody's all frickin' sensitive up in here.
The Zen's Den Research Institute on Male Behavior & Cookie Combine (Geissler, 2013) pg. 23 

In Real Life, North of Blogland, I have a preponderance of male friends. The male to female ratio sits at about 10:1 and I prefer it that way. I do have a couple very close women friends who aren't the type that try to sleep with the guy they know you are crushing on, compliment you when look like a Pelican nested in your hair, and convince you that telling your boss he's an idiot will be a way to "open lines of communication." I appreciate them beyond measure. The rest of the women are just buds and I don't trust any of them as far as I can toss a grand piano. This is not a story about either set of my chick friends. This is about the dudes; the great loves and best buds. 

The Fastest Ego Bruiser in the West

When I'm banging up some poor man's ego it's almost always unintentional. I do something I think is of little consequence. Maybe I mentioned that his best friend's new haircut makes him look like a young Jon Hamm and he remembers I'm obsessed with Jon Hamm and ignored everything he was trying to tell me. Possibly I thought I texted him about dinner with the group but I was infected by my Forgot to Hit Send finger affliction. Most likely he thinks I blew him off to pal around with another elk and he's got his antlers in a bunch. 

Any of these things on their own may not normally bother him, but couple this with work or life stress and it's a recipe for Stage IV Eeyoring.

How Do I Know When We Are At Stage IV Eeyoring? 

Regardless of intent you are about to head on a week long reconnaissance mission to Suckistan. Just like Eeyore, the "Don't Mind Me, Nobody Else Does"attitude is everywhere. 

Suddenly the normally hilarious, funny, adorable dude is distant, He texts so infrequently compared to normal you fear he's now Buster Bluth with a hook for a hand and cannot hit the screen. When he does drop over to Suckistan for a chat he casually mentions fun he had without you, at your favorite place, with other people. If you physically meet up in the hallway of Castle Suckistan he walks around like he's kicking rocks until he realizes he's being watched. You mention what a Spadoinkle Day it is outside and he does not respond with the traditional "My Heart's As Full As A Baked Potato!" which is kinda your thing. Instead he will take that time to point out the waitress at the Breastarauntaplex he had lunch at is smoking hot and gave him her number, she reminds him of your best girl friend that he wishes were single, and how wiped he is from totally shredding his pecs all week. 

How Do You Take Eeyore and Turn Him Back to Tigger?

I don't have a frickin' clue what to do when men start Eeyoring all over the place. I know what I do. I ignore him, but that's what I do with everything. Oh, so you were hoping for answers? Yeah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura Berman, or Dr. Oz I'm not. Dr. Frankensteeeeennn maybe. But take heart, if you can see the signs of Eeyoring maybe it will irritate you far less. On the plus side you will have far more time that week to hang out with whomever is currently Tiggering. 


*Note: I generally loathe any situation in which people define a word for their audience in both speeches and writing. You are either insulting someone's intelligence or going for amateur hour. However this word I made up. As a matter of courtesy I define it since those of you that can read my mind number in the 1's and it's creepy when he does it. 


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Fax Like a Champion Today

Susan Geissler
It's National Signing Day which means I sit around half working and half watching awkward interviews with barely intelligible new college football recruits. (I'm looking at you marble mouth Robert Nkemdiche)

I took some very good advice from one of my right hand men on paying much attention to this process before today, considering the notoriously flakey decision making skills of the standard recruit.

"I learned not to base my emotions on the whims of 17 year old high schoolers." 
- Jordan Ditty

Advice such as this can work on a variety of levels, not just college football. Speaking of 17 year old things being used to make decisions, how are we still using fax machines for the National Signing Day process? Yes, fax machines.

Here is your free productivity consulting advice from me for the year. Take $75 out of your wining, dining, recruits 69ing budget and buy a combo copier, scanner and printer. Treat yourself and buy a backup toner for next year. It will save you the trip. You're welcome NCAA.

Until then, FAX Like a Champion Today.