Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Rehab is for Quitters

Why am I reminded so often lately of the old quote "You Show Me a Beautiful Woman and I'll Show You the Man Who's Tired of Fucking Her"?

Jesse James, husband of the smashing and successful Sandra Bullock, is checking himself into sex rehab.  It would seem to me that if you really want to doink a celebrity these days all you have to do is skip the nightclubs and check into the inpatient sex-rehab club.  It must be like shooting fish in a barrel in there. 

Everything in this country today is a disease.  The fact that you can't keep your penis in its holster is a disease now too.  Everybody has an excuse. I propose a new hybrid to the standard sex-addict disease.  So you cannot focus on just one woman because you are also affected with Attention Deficit Disorder?  Then because you cannot overcome your ADD it cannot be your fault that you will inevitable see something shiny, forget you are married, and oops! you had sex with another women?  ADD Sex Adddition!  This would require two seperate stints in two seperate rehab clinics, thus allowing you to get caught cheating at least twice before your wife leaves you.  I'm going to market it.  I'll make a fortune. 

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

JDouche Takes a Wife

Late night phone calls freak me out.  I think this is one of the reasons I've never been a drunk dialer.  If you ever receive a phone call late at night from me you can guess something is pretty wrong.  When I get a late night phone call it shoots me out of bed and I answer it without much of an afterthought, just as I did last night. This call wasn't about bailing a friend out of jail or a car wreck. It was about a train wreck I was in last year.  A train wreck of a relationship. 

Back a year ago I was seriously involved with a guy we now refer to as "JDouche" partly for how close that is to his real name and how closely that resembles his real personality.  We met on a night while he was playing the guitar in one of the very successful bands that he would inevitable get kicked out of for being an undercover asshole.  Always be wary of a guy who has very little friends.  When you meet the few he has they tell you when he's in the bathroom that they don't really like him, just tolerate him.  Their only stories are about times they have wanted to kill him and they tell those when he's back at the table.

JDouche was a piece of work.  He was quiet, good looking, had an ego the size of the former Roman Empire and a penchant for cheating.  Later I would find out the cheating ended his first marriage and sent her to a place involving "funny" and "farms" but without comedians or cattle.  JDouche was such a good cheat because he had so much practice.  It was impossible for him to not cheat on anyone he had ever been with, traceable all the way back to high school.  So last year on Valentines Day when I found out he was sleeping with the bleach blonde ballet teacher with the largest fake boobs on the planet I shouldn't have been surprised. But surprised I was.  I didn't know about his cheating past.  I didn't know that he was with her every night I was out of town for business or just took a night to myself to relax.  I didn't know until later that he was obsessed about not being left alone, even for a day. 

I believe no relationship will ever be healthy without trust.  I always give enough rope for a man to hang himself with and JDouche was very well hung in the end.  Over the course of the next year I would meet a myraid of women he had been with, some while he was married, some while he was single, some when he was with me.  One of his side girls on me is actually a pretty good friend now, although she had no idea he even had a girl friend. He's a good liar.  I like her.  He hurt her too and for that I resent him.

When I pick up the emergency train wreck phone last night I find out that he is getting married again.  She proposed. The same bleache blonde idiot that I caught him with and he's denied to everyone being with for a year. But the phone call also came with the "before any final decisions are made we should get together, talk, make sure that we aren't making a mistake letting that great relationship go" pretext.

I realized I haven't been angry with him in a very long time.  I haven't missed him.  I stopped letting the hurt of what he did control my attitude toward other men and trust again.  I realized I never loved him but just an idea of him. In fact, all I could conjure up for the sociopath was laughter. Hard, loud, raucous laughter.  There was crying alright, but everybody knows I cry when I laugh and here they were, a year later, the fleetly flowing tears of a woman happy to have ducked at just the right time and dodged that bullet.

And the phone went...click.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Packing for Vegas Baby, Vegas


I have my suitcase mostly packed for Vegas. It's hard to determine what one will need in Las Vegas, Satan's Anus (20 pts. if you know that reference).

So far I have the essentials. Little black dress. Little Black Book. Sky high stilettos. Swiss Army Knife. A copy of the U.S. Army Survivial Guide. Hairspray. A copy of the movie Hairspray. Fourteen pre-fabricated excuses to send to friends and family in case something goes awry. Freeze dried astronaut food. A snorkel. A bikini. A feathered head dress. A stick-on tattoo that says "Do not let me get a tattoo" and anti-marriage repellent.

Think I covered everything?

There is an article I stumbled upon in Twitter this morning called "Why Women Hate Strip Clubs" at Askmen.com. I don't hate strip clubs. I have dear male friends that work at them and also frequent them. The article mainly deduces that most women hate strip clubs because of their own insecurities. While that is true in some cases they have missed something important. What does it tell a woman about a man that frequents strip clubs?

Strip clubs fit a very specific purpose, much like Nascar and the Modern Museum of Art. Not all people are suited to the same types of entertainment. There is certainly a place in this world for strip clubs. As a woman I don't like a man I am dating to hang around them though, but not for the reasons ask men.com lists.

When I am getting to know a man I use the things he tells me and his habits to judge his character on the inside. If he is a strip club frequenter my mind starts hoisting red flags. First is that he is frivolous with his money and must be pretty gullible. Second it makes him seem insecure and there is nothing less attractive than an insecure man. Lastly it brings out a sleazy factor, whether real or perceived. None of these are attractive qualities in a potential partner.

The kind of women that work in strip clubs, for the most part, are going to be nothing like me. That is not to say they are all bad people, just different people. I hear all the arguments about how much money they make and there is nothing wrong with that. There are a lot of occupations that make large sums of money that I wouldn't do either. I would rather go to an art gallery on a Friday night or out for cocktails instead of a monster truck rally or a professional wrestling match. It's not going to work in love if we have such a fundamental difference of opinion on what we enjoy doing culturally and what we find entertaining. If a guy hangs out in strip clubs because that's where he feels most comfortable then we are probably not going to have much to talk about. I feel the same about a guy who likes to spend his Sundays collecting stamps.

Many men frequent strip clubs because of the validation they receive. They are often insecure and are willing to pay a lot of money to have a women tell them they are great, smart, funny, successful, powerful and handsome. I understand that in some cases these men are with woman who don't validate them. If a man is with a woman who doesn't respect him then it's not going to be fixed by paying a stripper to make up the difference. It will get fixed by finding a woman who respects you without having to slip a Benjamin into her G-string.

I understand there are a myriad of reasons men have for going to a strip club. I too respect the beauty of the female body. It's fun sometimes to go out with friends and do something out of your normal routine. Sometimes people's personal sexual proclivities factor into this and their wives and girlfriends are into it. I'm not here to designate every strip club patron as insecure, sleazy, broke and gullible. However in response to the ask men article I have to provide a perspective from the other side of the fence.

I will now spend the rest of the afternoon ducking from the arrows of quite a few of my male friends.
I took a major step today. I cleaned out my email Inbox for the first time in my long e-history. Second I finally decided to use my blog for something more than an electronic paper weight of uselessness. I'm not sure why I feel the need to blog since I generally blurt out most things I am thinking right when they happen. Maybe I just like to inflict my opinion on others even more than I already do.

For those of you who kept asking me to blog, here it is. For those of you who wished I didn't have so many opinions...there's this little X in the top right hand corner. Click, click boom, I'm gone.