Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Black Christmas Trees for Shiny Happy People

Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room
It was Black. Black like 75% of my dresses. Black like my favorite Gucci platform pumps. Black like my favorite Metallica album. It was a Christmas Tree and I was obsessed.

While I loved the color I couldn't justify spending $250 at mega-store-a-plex-o-rama for this anemic version when I had a perfectly good looking tree at home. I went on Pinterest, home of my favorite "Wow, That's Really Weird and I'm Super Proud Of You Sister" home decor pics. Black Christmas Tree inspiration was in short supply. There were two pictures that did not look like I play The Cure 24/7, my love for Letters To Elise not withstanding. 

I polled my friends for feedback. Usually when I share my ideas for decorating something they look at me with a combination of worry and confusion. This was the case on this round as well. 

Sparkly Mantles are Happy Mantels 
I think they suspected that I'd devolved into *THAT* Christmas a few years back. The one where I had on near constant rotation Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas, Joni Mitchell's River, and Brandi Carlile's The Heartache Can Wait.  Yeah, I was a bit cheerful.  Someday, when we are older, I'll tell you about when my now ex-husband refused to come get me from O'Hare on Dec. 23rd because I was unable to control the airlines. And my mom drove 2 1/2 hours and found me crying in a Chicago bus station with a bag of gifts for his family and a heart that had finally shrunk to two sizes too small. Maybe when we are older.  But not now. 

Now is great. Now is happy, merry, and bright. It's already been a blessed season. It is way more Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town this year for this house and that's the way I like it.  The tree turned out exactly as I wanted it, very shiny and the light refracts off it it so much more than when it was matte green. I made it myself with the 3 P's: Paint, Prosecco, & Patience.  So I've included the DIY directions below.

My Black Christmas Tree in the Dining Room
Merry Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years! 
Do It Yourself Black Christmas Tree Directions by Susie E. Geissler
Note: There are other ways to achieve this but they are ill advised

1 fake christmas tree of any color, shape, size or country of origin
7-10 Cans of Rustoleum Gloss Black Spray Paint depending on tree size
3 cans of Rustoleum Universal Metallic Spray Paint in Silver Nickel (to "Flock" the tree for color highlight) 
Rubber Gloves you don't intend on using to do dishes or to cut jalapenos again
1 bottle of Champagne, Prosecco or Cava
Orange Sherbet
My recipe for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (sold separately) 

1. Open a bottle of Prosecco and put a spoonful of Orange Sherbet in the flute. Consume. Follow up with application of Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie. 

2. Find a well-ventilated space outdoors or a low-ventilated space indoors if you want to see dragons.

3. Put on rubber gloves in as creepy a manner as humanly possible. Bonus points if you can give weird looks at your neighbors and then quickly close your gate so they can't see what you are doing.

4. Set the tree up as normal and start spraying the Glossy Black Rustoleum from the inside of the tree out.  Spray under and over the branches one at a time at a distance of about 10 in. 

5. If you are losing feeling in your index finger take a drink of Prosecco and you won't care anymore. 

6. Spray the whole tree with the black and let dry for a few hours until it's not tacky anymore. Do not wait until you aren't tacky anymore because that could take a while depending on who you are. I'm lookin' at you Honey Boo Boo. 

7. You still can't feel your index finger? Quit whining sissy. You will get feeling back in about a week. 

8. Once dry take the Rustoleum Metallic Spray in Silver Nickel and "flock" the outside of the tree branches, concentrating the spray on the tips to reflect the light. Be proud of yourself because even the store bought black trees do not have this feature and you are now an Artist. 

8.5 Pronounce it Ar-TEEST, not Ar-TEST unless you like to beat up fans at NBA games.

9. Let the tree dry until you think it's done, wrap your arms around it and carry it into your house, and then realize the tree wasn't actually dry but after all that Prosecco who cares. 

10. Decorate accordingly. Avoid all usage of gold ornamentation unless you are a big fan of the New Orleans Saints. 

11. Rinse. Repeat.

Design Note: My home is a combination of Aubergine, Pewter Cast, Silver, Peppercorn, Dusty Grape, Tuxedo Black, and White so it seemed I could easily pull off a black tree without making it look like a big ol' bummer. [Note: For my remaining male readers my house is Purple, Black, and Gray. Gift accordingly.]

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