Thursday, January 31, 2013

Why the Real House Wives of Beverly Hills Are Good For Your Butt

Susan Geissler
The Herve Leger Red Bandage Dress
Which Will Be Mine By My Birthday
I'm coming clean. This is my love letter to The Real Housewives of Where-the-Hell-Ever. I'm so grateful for them and the entire host of women on the Bravo network that are plumped up, sucked out, tucked in, tightened and 75% composed out of a surgeon injectable super-space-age polymer.

A year ago I would have preferred listening to Yoko Ono's rendition of Gangnam Style than watch this crap. [Note, I have seen her "performance art exhibit" in the linked video above. It's at the Modern Museum of Art in New York. At the last second I elected to not jump off the third floor balcony thanks to Yoko, or as I call it, pulling a McCartney.]

My disturbing fascination with all things plastic started around November. My friend Lauren loves The RH and she elected to skip a football party with single men to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. That concept blew my mind but I make it a rule to not mock something unless I've tried it myself. I've done it with a variety of things yielding mixed results; Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, James Patterson novels, Days of Our Lives, jam band shows, and government cheese. I DVR'd a couple of RH of Beverly Hills episodes and figured they were perfect to kill some time on my treadmill. 

After the first two episodes I was sold. There is nothing better to motivate you to continue to work your butt off on the treadmill than watching women who clearly have had butt lifts and butt implants. I don't respond well to positive reinforcment in fitness. Having some chick on the screen saying "You are doing great!" when I know she can't see me does nothing. However seeing some total nutjob that is all long flowing hair and screaming poured into a Herve Leger bandage dress does. 

I found myself cuing up RH Beverly Hills and then Miami. With replays and reruns that took up a few nights per week. Then Vanderpump Rules thankfully came along to fit the coveted "Crap I Wish I Was At Happy Hour Instead" spot. Lastly The Millionaire Matchmaker finished out my workout week by providing an angry single Jewish woman to berate chicks to either get hot or they will never find love with men who have jobs. Put it all together and there was no WAY I was getting off that treadmill or stop lifting before the Hour of Disempowerment was up.

Women are competitive creatures. It's the biological imperative. Do I find it supremely irritating that these women live lavish lifestyles with fabulously wealthy husbands, wear killer clothes and only have two brain cells fighting each other out for space? Yes. Do I want their wardrobes and their abs? Yes. Heck, I can confidently say I'd take their wardrobes and abs, cut out the drama completely since I'm pretty level headed, be successful in my own right and continue to live a very happy life.  It wouldn't make for good TV but it's good for my cholesterol. 

So keep on looking fabulous you crazy cotton candy headed pleasure palaces in Christian Louboutins. You were clearly built for the entertainment of others and I, for one, applaud you with 12 reps at a 10 lb weight. 


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Well She Sure Ain't No Leaf Blower

Susan Geissler
Looking to set some goals and get some outdoor work done today? Let me presumptuously recommend the Susie Geissler approach: 

1) Take out lawn cart and swear all the way across the lawn because it's colder than you thought.

2) Place one dead item in cart and start thinking about tacos. Why tacos? WHY NOT TACOS.

3) Feel a sense of accomplishment for one dead item placed so exquisitely in cart but realize there has to be a tool that does this for you.

4) Go inside and reward yourself for hard work by making a nice freshly ground cup of French Roast. Go the extra mile and froth the whipped cream with a bit of raspberry because, let's face it, you've earned it.

5) Go back outside and find the Fed Ex man left the new guest bed frame on the porch but did not have the courtesy to place a dead item in the cart for you. Fed Ex men are selfish.

6) Sit down and contemplate who you will ask for help assembling said bed frame. Most likely the one who got a power drill for Christmas. You know who you are.

7) Place an additional dead item in lawn cart, swear across the lawn as you put cart away and...

8) Call it a day.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My Top 100 Favorite Books - In No Particular Order

In the fifteen places I have lived in the last nineteen years of my life these are the books I have lovingly packed from house to house.  They have been read facing the very mountain range Steinbeck was describing in the town where he grew up, on the floor of a completely empty Atlanta airport at 3am, on a depressing roadtrip using Sedaris to combat an otherwise miserable drive with miserable people, in times of love Neruda and in times of heartbreak Ovid or Cohen.  

While I have read the majority of what most consider classics this is not that list, though there are a few in here. They are not in order of importance or genre, or alphabetical. Maybe you will enjoy some of them as well. They are all linked to their Goodread's Information Page. If you would like to follow me on Goodread's my page is here: Susan Geissler On Goodreads
    Susan Geissler
  1. The Night Circus - Erin Morganstern
  2. Jitterbug Perfume - Tom Robbins
  3. Stranger Music: Selected Poems & Songs - Leonard Cohen
  4. Winter's Tale - Mark Helprin
  5. The Book of Illusions - Paul Auster
  6. The Secret History - Donna Tartt 
  7. The Natural - Bernard Malamud
  8. Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
  9. Birds of America - Lorrie Moore
  10. The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
  11. Bust: The Guide To the New Girl Order - Debbie Stoller
  12. The Ground Beneath Her Feet - Salman Rushdie
  13. The Collected Poems - W.B. Yeats 
  14. The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
  15. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby 
  16. Less Than Zero - Bret Easton Ellis
  17. East of Eden - John Steinbeck 
  18. The Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood
  19. An American Journey - Colin Powell 
  20. Catcher in the Wry - Bob Uecker 
  21. The Shipping News - E. Annie Proulx
  22. Empire Falls - Richard Russo
  23. Bel Canto - Ann Patchett 
  24. The World According To Garp - John Irving
  25. Phantom of the Opera - Gaston Laroux
  26. The Risk Pool - Richard Russo
  27. Lady Chatterly's Lover - D.H. Lawrence
  28. Ball Four - Jim Bouton 
  29. This Side of Paradise - F. Scott Fitzgerald
  30. Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
  31. The Martian Chronicles - Ray Bradbury 
  32. On the Road - Jack Kerouac
  33. The Sociopath Next Door - Martha Stout, ph.d.
  34. Drinking, Smoking & Screwing: Great Writers on Good Times - Various Authors
  35. Blonde - Joyce Carol Oates
  36. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail - Cheryl Strayed
  37. The Pacific and Other Stories - Mark Helprin
  38. The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
  39. The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
  40. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
  41. The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein
  42. 11/22/63 - Stephen King
  43. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
  44. Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
  45. The Road - Cormac McCarthy
  46. Lullaby - Chuck Palaniuk 
  47. Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling
  48. The Hitchkiders Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
  49. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens 
  50. Glamourama - Bret Easton Ellis
  51. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand
  52. Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen
  53. Friday Night Lights - H.G. Bissinger
  54. The Tender Bar - J.R. Moehringer
  55. Selected Poems - Pablo Neruda 
  56. The Ice Storm - Rick Moody
  57. V for Vendetta - Alan Moore
  58. Dry - Augusten Burroughs
  59. American Gods - Neil Gaiman
  60. The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion
  61. Wicked - Gregory Maguire
  62. 1 Dead in Attic - Chris Rose
  63. Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris
  64. Carter Beats the Devil - Glen David Gold
  65. Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
  66. Choke - Chuck Palaniuk 
  67. House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
  68. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
  69. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil - John Berendt
  70. Persuasion - Jane Austen
  71. The Girl's Guide to Hunting & Fishing - Melissa Bank
  72. Dracula - Bram Stoker 
  73. Blankets - Craig Thompson
  74. A Place of Execution - Val McDermid
  75. The Postman Always Rings Twice - James M. Cain
  76. The Hours - Michael Cunningham
  77. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
  78. The Curious Incidence of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
  79. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
  80. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
  81. Cat's Eye - Margaret Atwood
  82. Delta of Venus - Anais Nin
  83. The Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
  84. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn
  85. The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success - Deepak Chopra
  86. The English Patient - Michael Ondaatje
  87. Where the Sidewalk Ends - Shel Silverstein
  88. The Devil In the White City - Erik Larson
  89. One Day - David Nicolls
  90. Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
  91. Thus Spoke Zarathustra - Friedrich Nietzsche
  92. The Virgin Suicides - Jeffery Eugenides 
  93. A Streetcar Named Desire - Tennessee Williams
  94. The Color Purple - Alice Walker 
  95. It - Stephen King
  96. Happy Birthday To You! - Dr. Seuss
  97. Generation X - Douglas Coupland
  98. Love Poems, Letters, and Remedies of OVID - Ovid
  99. The Night Listener - Armistead Maupin
  100. Why Architecture Matters: Lessons in Chicago - Blair Kamin



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Rockford Icehogs Yard Sale the Hell Out of that Rink

Oh Rockford, Illinois. The town I spent 2 years of marital misery in and most of my life living near. FINALLY you do something interesting.  In this situation it is a bench clearing hockey brawl that results in 230 penalty minutes and 13 player ejections.

Every time you think they are done fighting in this video another player launches a piece of equipment. It looks like a yard sale out there. Good show Rockford IceHogs! Descend into the last rung of chaos before the whole town disintegrates. 


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Butterscotch Pudding & Tebowing Out Your Face


Just a few thoughts barely related to actual football on this playoff evening:

I once wished for a situation where I could watch Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh face off in athletic competition. I hope this one also includes butterscotch pudding like that weird dream I once had during a nap.

If Ray Lewis celebrates winning the Super Bowl by getting all stabby it should be interesting to see what he does if they win the Super Bowl. ...lock up yo' children...lock up yo' wives...

What is the real reason Bill Belichick cuts the sleeves off his sweatshirts? Will his wrists overheat and cause his robotics to malfunction?

How many times today when y'all watched Jim Harbaugh did you lip-read him saying "I WANT CAKE NOW!"

The official Aerosmith "Anthem" is terrible and I think that could be .002% of their problem. I've heard more anthemic things out of Death Cab for Cutie.

Ray Lewis gets the bad overacting award for whatever-that-was during the National Anthem. I think he was Tebowing out his face.

Tom Brady...you have always represented to me the Law of Diminishing Returns. This applies to both his attractiveness and prowess on the field.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Fake an Orgasm? He Faked An Entire Relationship Once

Susan Geissler
The big news in college football this week is Manti T'eo, linebacker for my own Notre Dame Fighting Irish, had a fake girlfriend who fake died.  Everyone seems very shocked by this information. I am shocked they are shocked.

The majority of society believes sports figures and celebrities are smarter, more experienced, and better equipped than normal folk to navigate this strange interconnected world. In reality sports figures and celebrities often operate life in a vacuum, sheltered from the very experiences that teach common sense.  Sports figures in particular are surrounded by their teammates, coaching staff, and a few exclusive people deemed appropriate by the handlers. All these circumstances collide to make a guy like T'eo a perfect mark for deception.

So you are Manti T'eo, 20 years old, isolated from meaningful connection outside of your sport, come from the Mormon religion, under extreme personal pressure to physically perform at a National Championship level and make your way into the NFL. You grew up in a era where people all over the world can talk to you without having to physically be in your presence. When the stress gets too great and you find a willing ear to listen it's so easy to slide down that slippery path of believing a real connection has been fostered without an actual physical meeting.

T'eo's Mormon upbringing could certainly explain the very thing we struggle with the most on this story. How could he have a girlfriend he had never been in a physical situation with? The Mormon faith puts one thing under the sin of murder and that is violating The Law Of Chastity. To him it is highly likely that there could have been a perceived deep spiritual connection between two people that did not require a physical exchange to make her his definition of a "girlfriend". He simply needed to exchange highly personal conversations and declarations of love. To those of us outside those religious  lines it seems ridiculous. To him, maybe not so.

He is not the only one to have been allegedly duped into relationships such as this. In fact, he comes from a long line of distinguished suckers.

[ ******************** SPOILER ALERT - If you intend on reading Armistead Maupin's "The Night Listener", and I highly recommend you do, then stop reading now. I'm about to give away some major plot points.]

One of my favorite books is Armistead Maupin's "The Night Listener". The Night Listener is a roman à clef for an experience the famed and beloved San Francisco author went through in his own life. He and many other respected members of the literary community were duped into believing the "true" life story of a young boy horribly abused as a child and dying of AIDS.  This ruse lasted 6 YEARS. The entire truth is stranger than the fictionalized account can be read here: The Bizarre True Story Behind the Plot of 'The Night Listener'  In the article we also read where Rosie O'Donnell confessed to having been duped by a 13 year old girl that was really a grown woman, comics being scammed by a woman using a child with an illness, and other cases.

Where it would be quick to blame the Internet for allowing such non-relationships to get built this type of situation goes back before the World Wide Hookup Web. Then there was the story of "Miranda" (See Miranda - The Woman Who Fooled Hollywood's Leading Men). I caught a fascinating 48 Hours on this story last year. Over the phone a woman claiming to be a beautiful blonde woman named Miranda captured the hearts and deepest secrets of men like Robert DeNiro, Eric Clapton, Peter Gabriel, Ted Kennedy, Rush Limbaugh and Bono. Billy Joel believed so strongly in "Miranda" that he called her his muse and played pieces of Uptown Girl as they were created onto her message machine tape. How in the world could this woman, who turned out to be neither young, or attractive, or rich, or anything she claimed to be, gain access to these celebrities? She prayed on the feelings of isolation and intense insecurity that come along with fame. In Miranda's case she actually did these men no harm at all. She merely "listened", but to them the relationship with her was as real as if she stood in their living rooms.

Manti T'eo could simply join Armistead Maupin, Billy Joel and many other famous people that have been fooled into believing the lie. As normal people we believe the lie all the time also. Especially in this world where we don't interact with people in the physical space as often as we do through the technological one. In my younger years I had some odd experiences where I received emails and had conversations with people who were not the person I actually knew. It's so easy for a woman to jump on the Facebook account of a man who logged in using her computer and start fishing around his personal connections.  It instilled mistrust and fear into me and I look to all associations with a very wary eye.

It's easy for people to mistake a connection via technology to be equal to one created in the online sphere. I have a guy friend who lived for over a year with a girl he met via playing World of Warcraft. She was certifiably crazy and he eventually got rid of her, but that wasn't evident in their online relationship life. Was this guy a huge nerd who couldn't get girls in the real world? Not even close. Probably one of the most awesome and attractive guy friends I have.

Maybe T'eo knew. Maybe his handlers figured it out a long time ago and decided it wasn't a good idea to announce their player was an idiot during a Heisman Campaign. In the end it doesn't really matter. He's humiliated either way. The people that perpetrated these scams are awful human beings. Most important is the lesson that we must be more vigilant in the people and connections we have in our lives, online and offline.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Less Rom-Com More Bomb-Com

Dear Men in My Life,

For heaven's sake, who does a gal have to go out with to see a guy shoot another guy in the face around here?

Take tonight for example. I know it's mostly my fault because I selected Zero Dark Thirty, thinking that the mildly sociopathic title would ensure we would see an emotion free onslaught of carnage. Not so. It turns out the plot of Zero Dark Thirty revolves around a single red head with crazy eyes. She  gets obsessed with tracking down a guy who will do virtually anything to avoid her finding him. And OF COURSE she's a "CIA Operative". Yeah right, like they let women have that job.

The dude needs some space and moves in with his bros in a house out in the desert to get some me time.  She can't rest until she catches him. [Insert longing looks, tears, and stress drinking at work here during their separation]  They both lead parallel lives until one of his bros borrows the car and causes a whole lot of problems. Hijinks ensues but in the end, she finally gets her man...in bed.  It's not like I was paying very close attention to most of this. I was checking my Pinterest Boards on my phone looking for new ways to incorporate gun racks into the laundry room at the house. I'm pretty sure I nailed the high points of the plot though.

I'm sure you are wondering if there was male nudity? Yes. Not the kind I was especially excited about but it was there. I'm not 100% sure. This is when I went for Raisinettes. I'm also confused since this rom-com had hyped up the scenes involving "water boarding" and I didn't see one single hottie in a wet suit or carrying anything that looked like it was ready to tackle the waves. Point Break II this is not, and he really was an F.B.I. Agent.


Last weekend was rom-com-tastic with Jack Reacher. The plot was so my life in my early twenties. An blonde chick with a good job falls for a misunderstood unemployed bad boy drifter guy with a questionable past. He's also shorter than her, has lifts in his shoes, fights with guys in bars, and drives a cool car (that he stole of course). But under that tough exterior he's really Grant Theft Auto with a Heart of Gold. She puts herself into Damsel in Distress mode to test his devotion and he shows up as planned. But her level of maintenance causes him to head off into the sunset until Jack Reacher II: Romancing the Sig Sauer.  I swear I paid attention to 65% of this movie except for the parts where I stepped out to call my bookie mid movie and pull a Pete Rose. What's pulling a Pete Rose you ask? If you have to ask then it's not for you.

Male Nudity? Yes, Topless Cruise...which might be referring to the actor shirtless or one of the many reasons I have yet to think going on a cruise is a good idea.

Shortly before Jack Reacher was Skyfall. From all I can glean this movie was about a "secret agent" guy passing the time hooking up in boat showers with random chicks he meets while gambling. (I'm on a boat!) This is all a way to pass the time so he can get his cougar boss lady M out to his country estate. It ends in a church with him holding her...so predictable. This one gets extra points since the improbably blonde Javier Bardem also tries to hook up with him because Daniel Craig is such a fine piece of man meat not even the dudes are immune.  This movie I am sure I got the full effect because I distinctly heard over my texting an Adele song and you know that's a guaranteed clue that somebody is getting or will get their heart broken within five minutes.

Male Nudity? Not enough. But they had British accents and given the sliding scale of stuffiness they were shockingly nude for most of the film.

I think I'm going to have to simply request that the next film I go to with the guys must include gun violence, obsession, stalking, paranormal activity, James Garner trying to run down Gena Rowlands with his car, and late night threatening phone calls. Seriously, this movie in the trailer below looks scary as hell. It's also been a while since I saw Les Mis in the theater but I recall that everyone dies in that one. Like everyone. Even their pets and possibly random members of the orchestra on a good night. That seems more my speed.

Love & Rockets,
Susie G.


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Reading Books Adored By People I Adore

Breakfast of Champions III - Susan Geissler
Breakfast of Champions III - January 2013 | Susan Geissler
One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2013 was to Read Books Adored By People I Adore. I talked in a previous blog post (Crowdsourcing Your Friends About Books) how this list evolved. The full list is included in the post and I removed all the works I previously read except for two that need revisiting (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes). 

Thank you to all my friends who helped put this list together for me via Facebook, text message, phone call, slips of paper, napkins, the back of your business card, mailing me the book, slipping the book into my home undetected, physically hitting me in the forehead with the book after you had too many cocktails, informing me that the main character is a total disaster and you suspected I wrote the book under a pseudonym, or that this may be the book to help me make sense of senseless things that have happened in life thus far.

I will think of each of you as I read all 52 of them, one for each week of 2013. And if you are looking for inspiration from me, here are my 100 favorite books ever: Susie's Top 100
  1. Breakfast of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut*
  2. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Kahled Hosseini 
  3. The Devil of Nanking - Mo Hayder
  4. Armed to the Teeth With Lipstick - Blag Dalia
  5. The End of Your Life Bookclub - Will Schwalbe*
  6. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig
  7. John Dies At the End - David Wong*
  8. Assholes (a theory) - James Aaron
  9. Kiss Me Judas - Will Christopher Baer
  10. Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis
  11. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle*
  12. Life on Planet Rock: From Guns n' Roses to Nirvana, a Backstage Journey Through Rocks Most Debauched Decade - Lonn Friend
  13. Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie Is Not the Answer - Jen Lancaster
  14. The Contortionist's Handbook - Craig Clevenger 
  15. Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers 
  16. Same Kind of Different As Me - Ron Hall
  17. 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami
  18. You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death and Other Humiliations - Michael Ian Black
  19. The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail - But Some Don't - Nate Silver
  20. Guilty Pleasures - Laurell K. Hamilton*
  21. The Gunslinger (The Dark Tower #1) - Stephen King*
  22. Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness
  23. The Color of Magic - Terry Pratchett*
  24. The Memoirs of Cleopatra - Margaret George
  25. Triggerfish Twist - Tim Dorsey
  26. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller*
  27. Assassination Nation - Sarah Vowell
  28. Cheat: A Man's Guide To Infidelity - Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Joe DeRosa
  29. Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott
  30. A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin*
  31. The Demolished Man - Alfred Bester*
  32. Definitive H.P. Lovecraft - H.P. Lovecraft*
  33. The Prince of Tides - Pat Conroy
  34. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Woolf
  35. Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman*
  36. A Perfect Day for Bananafish - J.D. Salinger
  37. Women - Charles Bukowski
  38. World War Z - Max Brooks*
  39. Confessions of an Economic Hit Man - John Perkins 
  40. Amazing Things Will Happen - C.C. Chapman
  41. Lit: A Memoir - Mary Karr
  42. The Lightning Thief - Rick Riorden*
  43. Middlesex - Jeffery Eugenides*
  44. Outlander (Outlander #1) - Diana Gabaldon
  45. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver*
  46. We Were Soldiers Once...and Young - Harold Moore
  47. Storm Front - Jim Butcher*
  48. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho*
  49. Ellen Foster - Kaye Gibbons
  50. Towing Jehovah - James K. Morrow  
  51. The Places In Between - Rory Stewart
  52. The Art of Happiness - The Dalai Lama XIV*
* Denotes books I already own. 
Breakfast of Champions I - Susan Geissler
Breakfast of Champions I - January 2013